Hi everyone: I'm wondering if anyone else is in this same situation. I'm 60+ and just getting out of a long marriage. Not a very successful one, but the result is two great kids who have "grown and flown". Now I face a new chapter. In my 20s, I had an ongoing relationship with my best friend. Mostly a curiousity sort of thing, but it's always stayed with me. During that time I had a couple of one night stands with other guys as well. I also had a lot of girlfriends, and ultimately got married and had kids. Now I'm wondering whether or not to explore my sexuality with new women and/or guys. I'm pretty turned on by gay porn, but I feel like women turn my head in public. How do I sort this out? A place like a dating site seems way to hardcore for this. Would love to talk it out with some folks. Thanks for any insight you can give.
I think you have to work out what you want and go from there. By all accounts it sounds like you may be on the bisexual spectrum but only you can decide what you want and what is important to you. I wouldn't use pornography as an indicator of what you want, it seldom represents the real thing so I'd ask myself a few questions... Why are you curious about exploring your sexuality with men now? Women may turn your head in public, but what about private? What do you fantasize about? Has this curiosity always been there? Could it be more than a curiosity? Are you attracted to both men and women (this may not be equally)? Were your same-sex experiences pleasurable at the time and was this the reason why they have stayed with you? Do you want sexual experiences with both men and women (not necessarily at the same time)? aka, What are you actually looking for? Are you after a long term relationship or just one off experiences? This may dictate where you need to look, especially when it comes to same-sex. Is there anything that is holding you back from exploring your sexuality, if so, why? Most of these questions I have asked myself over the years and they helped me work out who I was and what I wanted. The answers did change over time as I became more accustomed and used to my desires.
I'd say give yourself time. You're going some major life changes. You probably need some time to process that before moving on to something else.
Thanks to both of you for responding. This forum is doing exactly what I hoped for - causing me to ask myself some tough questions about who I'm attracted to and why. I'm thinking through those questions and will reflect on them as I decide how to move forward. And advice to take it slow during a time of great change is a good one - although I've been celibate in this marriage for far too long and am eager to get back to human touch. Thanks again.
Well, Jake, I guess I am. Although after 40 years I'm still hung up on that first guy. I guess I was young and impressionable and he brought me into a totally normal friend group around age 16. He was a very cool kid and I looked up to him. Then around 19 is when we had our first encounter, so I don't think there was any grooming going on. But because I looked up to him, I was willing to experiment. Now, when I want to get aroused, i find myself replaying those past encounters more than any other girlfriends or one night man2man stands. Can't seem to get over it, although he's long out of the picture. He did come out in a very difficult way in his 40s, after marriage and kids.
If it is any consolation, I still hold a bit of a torch for the first guy I ever had a crush on. He's kind of the obe who might have been. I still vividly remember the first time I wanted to kiss him. Unfortunately, I didn't take the opportunity. It turns out that he was gay.
That's interesting, apollo. I can't say I've ever wished for a life with that guy, just kinda wish the fooling around never ended. On the other hand, there are a couple of women I dated or could've dated who I wish I had stuck with longer and possibly married, given how my current marriage worked out (but the kids are great). No wonder I'm confused!
My first marriage produced kids as well. I actually have very little experience either way. Sometimes that's what make things more difficult.
Have to remember that society was different when we were young. What roles did religion, parents, media play when you were young? All that stuff is part of you. It takes a little while to over dub the tapes of the past. Take some time, find the gay district of your nearest big city and explore the culture, not saying to be a whore, but find groups, maybe a center or the like to check out. Hell, watch Love Simon. Everything just takes a little time.
Well, that depends on how you look at it. For the longest time, I thought I was bisexual, but I'm trying on the gay label for the moment to see if it fits. I'm not practicing much of anything at the moment. I had heart surgery and two strokes last year and the meds have really messed with my libido and such.
Great suggestion, johndeere. I might go a city or two over as I don't want to run into someone I know. At least until I've figured things out for myself. Thanks to all for your excellent feedback. It's been really helpful. Keep 'em coming. And, apollo, sorry to hear about your health setbacks. Take care of yourself and best wishes.
@Husse Hey. I'm about your age and remain married to woman. I am bisexual and never did anything to speak of as a young man and had a satisfying sexual relationship for most of my married life. When my wife went through menopause she lost her sex drive. This lack of intimacy stimulated my same sex desires. I knew my whole life that I was bisexual. Just never acted on it. My wife is OK with me having same sex intimacy. So, I have. I have to say that I disagree some with the "wait and see how you feel" approach for someone who is our age. I would not ever give up what I learned about my sexuality and sexual needs in the last five years. If I were you, I would explore the range of my sexuality in any ways that are respectful, safe, and within my own sense of morality. There is no reason for you, as a bisexual (it seems like you might be) to choose which sort of partner you want right now. Why not play the field? What do you have to lose? I tend to be someone who is not interested in the norms of society. Tomorrow I am skiing with my wife, a former FWB and a guy I once hooked up with. So, consider I am a bit out there in the conventional thinking end of the spectrum...
Hi @Husse, thanks for your reply on my thread! It's helpful reading your story here and the replies of others. I wanted to respond to the quote above because it might be worth considering your sexuality and your attachment to the memories of this guy as two separate things, (though obviously related). As I shared on my thread, my first in-person gay experience was when I invited my best friend of 8-ish years or so to join my then-girlfriend in threesomes. Eventually, the whole situation went tits-up, and I was healing from that experience for quite a long time. Lots of confusing feelings came up for me; was I still in love with her? Was I in love with him? Had I always been in love with him? I would also mainly fantasize about him for quite some time. As time went on this would come and go in waves, and I was still surprised when sometimes those fantasies popped up again after maybe a long time absent. Nowadays it's very rare that I will pine over those experiences, and if I ever fantasize about them, there isn't really any heaviness or longing about the memory. In that time I've also had one further, very lovely, long-term relationship with a woman, and lots of shorter-term connections with women, and despite me feeling an urge to honour whatever is going on with my gay side, I am currently romantically involved with two women, (ethically). Generally, these days I feel more straight than I did when I was involved with my friend, because I've become much more at ease with the subtle gay parts of me, and I think the sense of shame and secrecy had been amplifying that side of my sexuality at the time. The only reason that I might think longingly about him now is that given the subtlety/ambiguity of my own sexuality, if we were to somehow rekindle a friendship, this might be a safe relationship for me to continue exploring because all the conversations have been had, the chemistry has been tested, I could bypass all the awkwardness that I anticipate meeting men, given how particular the circumstances under which I am attracted to men. What I find daunting now about exploring my gay side is having to go out and explore and spend time, in the hope I can find ease and safety, without being repeatedly disappointed or feeling I've wasted my time, (none of which I worry about dating women). So, it would certainly be easier if my former-friend was to walk back into my life and we just picked up from when things were good. So, in summary, I am suggesting become aware of what there might be to heal in relation to your memories of that first guy, and when you feel at peace with it, see what remains to be explored.
Hi @Husse: Thank you for sharing, it's comforting to know my situation is not completely unique. Just turned 60, my 24-year marriage over, kids nearly launched. I'm in the closet but finally ready to be more honest with my self and those who care about me. Based on what i have read, I identify as a varied type bisexual and can not figure out if I should begin dating men or explore another relationship with women. I'm sexually attracted to men but relationship drawn to women. The difference between us is I have never had an adult sexual same-sex experience and I am curious. Ultimately, I want to find a long-term loving monogamous relationship. I hope someone can help offer guidance to us both. Hand in there, it's a journey.
The best way to meet a lovely gay man who lives in your town is to go a city or two over to find a guy. I’m joking of course. Good luck and have fun figuring this out. The best way to meet a lovely gay man who lives in your town is to go a city or two over to find a guy. I’m joking of course. But if you do run into someone you know try not to feel any embarrassment about it. You aren’t doing anything wrong. You have already had gay sex and know you enjoy it. Just be safe and have fun figuring if you want love and gay sex together. And if this the case don’t worry about. Remember your goal is to be in a monogamous relationship not to be a part of a couple with one particular sex. Whether you find love with a man or a woman you still win. Each are equally good and neither has anything to feel ashamed about. If you can only find that emotional connection with women, and desire a long term relationship, they may be the better sex for you to date. Provided you are attracted to them in the bedroom, too. I love having sex with men, but it would not be enough for me if I could not have a romantic connection with them as well and see myself in a long term relationship with one. Plenty of men enjoy gay porn and love the the woman they are with exclusively. This is okey in my book. Naked men can be beautiful and it’s normal to enjoy seeing beautiful things. Being gay I wish attractive men watching gay porn meant they were gay too, but unfortunately this is not the case haha.
