crushes on fictional men in childhood, but gay irl..? Confused?

YES! YES! YES!, The idea of a man I am attracted to inside me like that turns me on like nothing else!

Yes in hindsight so many signs!

 

So, from what I've seen on "how to know if you're a lesbian" videos (and personal experience) what you're describing is common for closeted lesbians. I can describe my own experience. I knew all my friends had crushes on male celebrities (and on boys in school), and I knew that's what they talked about. So, convinced myself I had crushes on male celebrities (so I had someone in my back pocket I could talk about). Or I decided I had crushes on boys who I knew were unattainable. If I had ever actually been faced with those people, the crush would've quickly died. It was a defense mechanism. I didn't actually want to be with a guy, but I wanted to pretend I did so this was a way to swing that.

Conversely, I totally had crushes on women. There were women at my church that I was obsessed with. My stomach would swoop around them. My heart would race when I was about to see them. I would get giddy when I found out I was going to get to spend time with them. I hung on their every word. I wondered how they were doing when I wasn't around. I wondered what they were thinking. But, I couldn't admit it was a crush because that would make me un-heterosexual. So I convinced myself it was just that I admired them and wanted to be like them. In my mind it couldn't be a crush. And I've also seen multiple, multiple videos of other lesbians describing similar experiences when they were kids.

It may not be what you have going on. But, these things were absolutely what I had going on when I was going through puberty. It kind of morphed into something else as I got older. I started to sort of resent women I was attracted to instead (because I was mad at myself).

 

I feel you on that for sure

 

Despite all the negative programming going up, this is what I want... How could this have come from anything but who I am as a person. My body naturally wants to connect with a man that way. I can naturally think of so many ways to be intimate with another man - with a woman it just goes blank despite seeing so many images growing up and 'learning' - all this about men came naturally to me...

 

I know exactly how you feel for sure. When I think about it, all my hesitation probably came from how my father will react. The sad thing is, over the years he has said a lot of homophobic things. Which is sad, because his own brother is gay. He has told me a few times, how can a man like another man when women are so beautiful. I mean yes, women ARE beautiful but, I find men beautiful in that way. We can not help it because that is how we were born.