confusing sexuality and masculinity

I don't really know how much I can help with the doubt about getting girls or guys, but I am pretty sure I can help with your question about masculinity. I'm gay and out, I've always considered myself masculine, but not overly so. I played sports in high school and I am on the rowing team at my college, but I also like some of that pop music and other things like you say in your post. I haven't changed anything about myself since I came out, the only difference now is that I don't have to hide part of myself from my friends. Being gay and out shouldn't change anything about your personality, unless you want it to.

 

>>>i feel like there is no real need to be the stereotypical gay person so why are they flaunting it so much.

Because they've done something that you apparently haven't done yet.
They've accepted themselves for who they are.
They don't look at everything they do, every step of the way, worried that people are going to think that it's "too gay".
They've said, "Screw it. I'll just be me."
They're not acting gay. They're not acting at all. They're being themselves. And they shouldn't have to conform to whatever your ideals of how people should act, any more than you should act "more gay" because they'd prefer it that way.

I'm what you might call "straight-acting", although it's not an act. Just how I am. But I do have gay characteristics. Sometimes, when laughing, my voice suddenly goes into a high-pitched giggle. And when I point at things, I have a habit of doing a weird sort of "flourish" with my wrists. You know what? Don't care. It's just who I am. I'm not going to force myself to laugh low or not point for fear that people might see me doing something "gay". If they think it's gay, or TOO gay, screw 'em.

Rant over. Back to topic at hand. To answer both your questions, yes.

Yes, as you go along, you'll probably starting "acting more gay". It won't be intentional. But whenever you hang out with different groups of people, you tend to pick up on their slang and whatnot. You'll probably be around gay guys more often, so you may pick up a couple things here and there. You won't suddenly start prancing around and buying rainbow short-shorts and listening to Liza.

And yes, you're going to become vulnerable. You're going to open yourself up to some heartache. Because that's what relationship involve. They involve investing your emotions and life into somebody else, hoping to pay some major dividends. And sometimes, you don't get it. And then it hurts.

But the other option is to close yourself off completely. But that's no way to live.

Lex

 

thanks lex

Jay: People stereotype. Even without acting gay in the least, I assure you, there's gonna be a girl out there who wants to know if you want to give them fashion advice at the mall. There's nothing you or anyone else can do about it, except understand and accept people from where they're at.
(*hug*)

 

Not all gay guys are the stereotype that everyone see's on t.v. Also, lots of people seem to think of all gays are really out-there and "like omg he is soooo hot" because those are the ones who people see because they make themselves known. There are plenty of gay guys that do everything that straight people do and aren't "out-there" very much/at all. People just don't seem to notice them as much because they aren't as per-say as dramatic (ex: me).

Conclusion: I think you are picturing the stereotype to much.

 

I had/have a lot of the same things going on in my head. I'm out to my parents and family and friends, and pretty much to anyone who cares to ask. I grew up in the outdoors, playing sports, camping...with my father's friends who are a mix of bikers, hunters and fishermen. Around here and in my house while growing up, these were the things that defined "masculine."

Since I've come out, I haven't lost interest in any of these things. The only thing that changed was my willingness to move on and meet someone I could be close to (to find love!). I have yet to dive into the "camp" scene, but I'm quickly finding that despite me not being so "camp," it is where everyone doesn't give a shit and to me it feels like a logical choice if I want to meet people who don't have any shame for their sexuality and their want to love. That's really what I see more and more when I look at these guys that fit the gay stereotype I've been used to for so long.

 

I can understand wher eyou're coming from. That's my biggest fear about coming out, I do not want to be labeled and dismissed as another stereotypical gay man (which is why I'm so against stereotypes.)
I don't consider myself to be the manliest of manly, but I'm not very feminine either, there's a balance. Most of my masculinity is natural, other aspects are forced. I sometimes catch myself doing 'gay' things and I make a conscious effort to stop. Maybe it's insecurities with my sexuality, but I feel more comfortable correcting myself. I look at it like grammar, I often correct myself in mid-sentence to be more presentable (me and bob went to the store vs Bob and I went to the store.) If that makes any sense...

But, to answer your question, when I first started questioning my sexuality my biggest fear/hold back/confusion was regarding masculinity. I had it beat into my head that gay guys are these sissy faeries who prance around wearing skimpy shorts twirling rainbow ribbons and talk with an exaggerated lisp. Upon realizing my sexuality, I realized that I am who I am. If I'm more masculine than the average gay man, then so be it. Being gay doesn't mean you have to follow the stereotypes, it's just an aspect of the whole.

As for people's reactions to coming out... I'm only out to two people and both of them it took a bit of convincing from my end to get them to believe me. It came as a shock to them, but once the initial shock was over, they accepted me with ease.

If you want to talk more, feel free to PM me.

 

Haha, don't worry about questions being to personal, my ex killed most of my ability to be embarrassed. I came out about a year ago during my second semester of college, after I started dating this guy. It was kind of a weird process, I told some of my closest friends, but other people just kind of realized after seeing me with my boyfriend. I actually knew I liked guys for a long time, but I tried to make it work with girls, even though deep down I knew I wasn't interested in them that way. It was weird adjusting after coming out, but not bad. Things do change some friendship will die off, some will get stronger, but you will feel freer. Thats where any changes in actions come from. You won't worry so much about doing something that will make people think you are gay, so if you want to flick your wrist or stand on one hip now, you probably would do it if you came out. But if like me, you never wanted to do those things to begin with, then you won't want to do them then either.

 

You don't have to fit the bill to be gay. I know super masculine gay guys and straight guys so flamboyant a drag queen would tell them to chill out. But you also might not be gay, and just curious about guys or bisexual. Is the lack of feelings for your girlfriend sexual or emotional? If you think she is gorgeous but you don't want to do anything with her, it might be a sign of gayness, but if you just not care for her that much then probably not. The feelings for guys might just curiosity or you might be gay. But remember if you are thats not a horrible thing and you won't be magically turned into a showtunes singing drag queen.

 

I can only suddgest that you shunn these thoughts from you mind, speaking from experience, questioning your masculinity leads nowhere but to self hatred and feelings of worthlessness, I am and admit to myself that I am gay, I have known forever and have absolutly no attraction to women, but its amazing to what lengths one will go to in order to prove to ones'self that you are a man, I know your feelings of being able to get any girl you want because I had those and still do and, unfortunatly, I acted upon that and ended up sleeping around with a different girl every week right before going out to the clubs and picking up a guy and going home with him just so I could feel like I am a man and no amount of sex with other men will change that, I can still please a woman even if they can't return the favor. Its so sad but its the smallest little things like that nuddging at you every so often untill it consumes you, I really sudgest you either excreete these thoughts from your mind or find something that makes you feel manly without compromising your integrity because those little thoughts grow, and quickly, into a great parasite that will escort you down a path of self loathing and depression.

 

You won't!? Geeze, I'm out of here then! :lol:

J/k. Yeah, what everyone above has said is good advice. The gay rainbow is multi-colored for a reason. There are all shades and hues of people in the LGBT community. Some you would never guess. Others are obvious. That's just how they are. And yes, the vast majority of men that you still can't have sucks, but you'll eventually find someone that will be just right for you in time. And then the chance at love with them will be worth the risk of hearbreak.

 

jayy237, i just came out to friends about a week ago, and i'm having the same thoughts. as far as advice goes, i don't think i can say much since it's new to me too, but i can say you're not alone.

since i have been repressing my attraction to men, or at least making a conscious effort to hide it from others, i wonder how much i'll change once i become comfortable with both my sexuality and my self. i can't see myself acting flamboyantly, but i wouldn't mind being proud of who i am. i feel like people start becoming more like the stereotypes because they feel like it's what's expected of them. there is pressure to conform to the effeminate stereotype, because otherwise, people just assume you're a straight guy and that you want nothing to do with another man. in any case, i think the bisexual gets shafted, because they are rejected from both the gay and straight communities.

it's nice to see there are other people going through the same shit.

 

^ I rarely pull out this card from the deck here, but it fits here.

You kids don't have any clue what you're talking about.

met, you're fresh out of the closet (congrats), and jay's still thinking it over. And yet you're both going to explain to me how it is? As I'm closing in on my third DECADE out of the closet?

How many effeminate gays do you actually know? Not "have math class with", but actually KNOW? I know several. I work with two. Another one lives in my building. And let me say with great authority that they are not "acting". That's the way they ARE. The only "act" is to be themselves, to not feel the need to act masculine so that homophobes won't judge them.

What you'

 

...picking up...

What you're dealing with is apparently not uncommon. When someone is willing to say "I'm gay", but still feels the need to distance themselves from other homosexuals. "OK, maybe I'm gay, but at least I'm not like THAT." So you're "straight-acting". BFD - so'm I. That doesn't make me any better than femmy guys. And - sorry to say - it doesn't mean that you two are either.

I get pissy about this topic for a reason. Effeminate gay guys take the brunt of the hatred and scorn tossed by homophobes. The last thing they need is more crap being shoveled their way by homosexuals. I love my effeminate friends. I don't aspire to act like them, or be more effeminate myself, but they're great people. As my (straight) friend once said, "It takes balls to be a drag queen." It takes balls to be a effeminate homosexual, too. But despite it all, they live their lives precisely the way they want to. And that kicks serious ass in my book.

Lex