For most of my life I refused to accept that I was different, meaning that I could like or find both girls and guys attractive. It took some time, after I admitted it to myself to become comfortable, and eventually proud, it that's the right word. Now, the last few weeks I kind of feel like I have been lying to myself my entire life and that I am gay. The thing is I'm about to celebrate 18 years of marriage and 23 total years together. She is my very best friend, but I'm not sure I see her as anything more than a friend anymore. We grew up in dynamic families and have a super strong bond. I don't want to/will not break her heart, but I feel so empty inside sometimes. Then there's the other thing, I never got educated and don't have anything other than a part time job. I can only walk now with the aid of two braces, carbon fiber plates in my shoes, bars up the back of my legs, I guess they are called AFO's. Assisted foot orthotic. So, in short, I have no way of supporting myself. I have applied for SSDI but the process is long and not a sure thing. I am just pissed that I didn't have the courage to explore myself in my youth. The limited exploring that I did experience was filled with sadness and despair, almost suicide. In the rural Midwest lgbt couples/relationships were taboo back then. Even now one would have to be really fucking strong, something I have never been. I'm about to turn 50 and just as confused as 14. It all seems so easy for some,,.
I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling. I know it's hard not to be upset with yourself for not having explored sooner, but it's really not your fault; it happens to many of us, whether we were in denial in our youth or genuinely didn't understand our feelings until years too late. It doesn't help that many of us have come from time periods that have made it anywhere from difficult to impossible to pursue the types of relationships we needed in our prime. I think it's important to examine your relationship with your wife independently from your attractions, in this case. It's not uncommon for people who have been together a long time to lose some of the feelings they once had for one another. So the questions is, have you ever or do you still find other women attractive? If so, I think it's safe to say that you're bisexual. But if not, what do you think has triggered this realization? I can't advise you on whether to stay with your wife or not; for some gay/lesbian individuals, they opt to stay with their partners out of convenience for all involved (especially if they have an otherwise good relationship). For others, this is the crossroads in which they must decide whether they can make an arrangement within their marriage, or put an end to it in order to pursue their truth. What I can advise is discussing this with your wife as openly and honestly as you can. She may not like it, it might really hurt her--but living a lie would undoubtedly hurt you both.
Sounds like you have a lot going on besides your sexuality, so your feeling of emptiness may not be due only to your sexuality and relationship with your wife. If I were you I would stop myself from looking backwards and making up a fantasy about how things might have been, and focus on the future (and not just your sexuality).
As someone else who has only recently come to admit his sexuality to himself in his mid-40s and is staring down a hard, painful conversation with his wife of 17 years, I can certainly empathize with you. That's hard enough to deal with, let alone employment and disability issues. I have also caught myself wondering what might have been at times, but when I do I try to remember I still have breath in my lungs and focus instead on what's yet to come. That's when I usually try to remember some song lyrics I find really helpful, "We move forward, 'Cause we can't go back!".
johndeere3020.....This is a tough situation, I know because I'm in pretty much the same place, only older. I'm 71 and my wife and I have been married for 42 years. I came out to her in 2016. We have chosen to say together because I have made the choice to keep my marriage vows. My relationship with her is more important to me than looking for a hookup or a boyfriend. We haven't been intimate for many years due to health and also because it's something that I can just no longer do, even if I were physically able. We depend on each on each other and get along quite well. What is your relationship with your wife like? Is it stronger than your drive to be with another man? How much of this have you talked over with your wife...I know that is a very, very difficult thing to do...believe me, I've done it and I understand how tough it is. Is there a possibility of seeing a counselor together? Tough questions...but if your marriage is worth saving, they are questions that need to be asked. You can answer these questions if you like by sending me a Private Message. ......David
Don't look back. We grew up in a different time where being anything other than straight had to fight for any resemblance of equality and acceptance. It was far easier to hide who we were to appease or please others that live with the stigma, bullying and discrimination that would've come with coming out. Teenagers these days don't have it any easier today, but at least sexuality acceptance for them seems to be like comparing apples with oranges when compared to when we were teenagers. It's still far from perfect though. I have often wondered what it would've been like to grow up gay but then I realise I did. I just didn't explore it. I do regret this but I cannot change the past and feel I still made the right decision at the time because I believe it would've been torturous. I'm both happy and relieved that I finally came to my senses (also in my forties) and accepted I have always been gay. It's not been easy and it's been a long arduous journey to get where I am today and I've still got a long way to go. I realised in my late teens and earlies twenties but exhibited many signs prior to that, that I chose to ignore. Acceptance and realisation aren't the same thing but better late than never rings true. Before this acceptance, I went through a period of bisexuality, but I realised this was because I wasn't ready to let go of heterosexuality as this made me appear more normal to myself, even though my life consisted of nothing but homosexuality at this stage. I also realise that I'm very lucky I never got married (or had kids) and that adds a whole new level of complication to your situation. I wish you the best of luck on your journey and remember, we're always here to talk.
Im 32 and I maybe looking at this wrong but in my oppinion todays LGBT kids/teens have it easier with all the queer representation in media tv movies music ect.
I think *in general* maybe that's true, in some ways, but there is still a lot of negative energy out there, especially for trans and non-binary folk. Acceptance of people who are LGB has definitely gotten better in a lot of ways, but there's still room to improve, and there are still a lot of challenges for the TIA people. And look at the backlash against the entire LGBTQIA community we're seeing in places like Florida and Texas.
Agreed. For the OP, I don't have much to add. Anything I could say has already been said better than I could manage. I think a lot of us can relate to figuring this stuff out later than was ideal. On the disability issues, you might look to see if there are any disability advocacy/support organizations in your area, they can offer all kinds of aid and support, including help with negotiating SSDI and such.
