confused about sexuality

Hi,

For the past few years I've been very confused about my sexuality.

I'm 31 and have had only 1 girlfriend in my life. This happened a few years ago, and when it ended I really began to question my sexuality.

I've only ever had sexual or intimate fantasies and dreams about women. I've only ever been sexually aroused by a woman. All my romantic dreams have been about women and often think about growing old with one. These are very nice thoughts and enjoy them.
However, with my previous girlfriend I had problems keeping it up. I've also had many chances with girls and I've always ran away (except one). If I like a girl then I think about her a lot and get jealous if other men talk to her. Maybe I get a bit obsessed.


I've never been turned on by a man or have had any romantic/sexual/intimate fantasies or dreams about them. However, I can tell that some men are good looking or attractive and I keep questioning my sexuality when around them - which can be disturbing and I'm sure noticeable. I've often been envious of a good looking guy, but I've never been jealous of other girls/guys talking to them and glad to hear they have a girlfriend. I tried to look at gay porn twice and didn't like it, but may try again. Thoughts about gay sex or intimacy are also unpleasant. However, sometimes when in the presence of an attractive man I have the urge to touch him, but I don't know if that's a natural feeling or just an intrusive thought. I often try and avoid men I think are gay or any situation where people think I'm gay. Maybe I'm in the closet.


I do feel gay a lot of the time - it's a very unpleasant feeling, and it gets worse when I'm in public as gay thoughts and feelings start attacking me. This happens constantly and is causing a lot of distress and making it very difficult to concentrate or lead a normal life.

As well as the gay feelings and noticing that some men are attractive, I'm also quite effeminate and gay men seem to like me - although this could be my imagination. Girls also seem to like me and show an interest, but as I said I just run away.

I've had these gay feelings for a few years now and they don't seem to be going away - although i have had other obsessions for almost a decade. I don't know whether this gayness is an obsession and all in my imagination or whether I really am gay or bisexual.

I'm not exactly sure what to do or how to live my life. I feel like I'm wasting it hiding away. I'm also worried that if I do meet a girl I like, my gay side will be very difficult for her to accept.

There's definitely something not right about my sexuality.

I would really be happy to hear anyone's opinion.

Thanks very much for reading.

 

Hi,

Thanks for all advise and replies.

@Alexi12,
What I mean by gay thoughts is thoughts about myself being gay. These thoughts then lead to a gay feeling. The gay feeling is a strange feeling in my face that feels gay, it's very unpleasant. Is this a normal feeling?
I used to get very jealous of other men and if a guy I saw was good looking then the only feelings I would have was of jealousy. Now that I question my sexuality, those feelings have become more confusing.
I asked one my best friends yesterday whether he regards me as feminine, and he said absolutely not. So the feminity issue could just be in head, I don't know.

@Csm123,
"i say this because of your lack of attraction to women,even to the point of running from them". Maybe you're right, although it maybe a bit more complicated. If I meet a girl I like and who also likes me I start to worry. I become jealous of any guy who talks to her and worry she'll find someone better. It's not a nice feeling. The girl I ran away from was very very attractive and could get anyone she wanted. After a few dates I started to become obsessed with her meeting other men. With women I think I am overly-sensitive and hide away out of fear. But, maybe my physical attraction to women isn't strong enough to overcome this.
I wasn't really brought up thinking homosexuality was wrong. Actually, I don't think my friends or family would be all that bothered if I told them I was gay. That's not really a problem. And I generally don't care what other people think about me. I make my own way and decisions in life.

@Chip,
"you are feeling conscious attraction to men". I don't know if I'm actually attracted to men. I can see that some men are good looking, but I think that's normal. The problem is when I see a good looking man I start questioning myself whether I am attracted to him. I'm not exactly sure what attraction is to be honest. I've never been physically attracted to anyone really. I have been sexually aroused by being in the presence of a woman but I don't know if that's physical attraction. Maybe I don't have a strong sexuality.
I've never forced myself to fantasize about women. When my mind wanders and notice I'm sexually aroused, it's because I was thinking of a girl. And I really enjoy having sexual/romantic/intimate dreams and fantasies about women. They feel good. Of course, maybe I could have the same fantasies about a man, I don't know. I never have, but maybe I will.
I don't know about the porn thing. I'm not sure that would work. I've been looking at porn since I was 14 and have never noticed the man. But I don't know, maybe I would now.
Also the touching thoughts weren't pleasant thoughts. I tried fantasazing about touching these men but I didn't like it.
I don't think I'm homophobic. I think people should be free to be who they are.


@TheJoker,
I do have other serious issues. I've wasted many years of my life obsessed about some things. Although, the obsessions could just be a result of depression. Obsessive/depressive thoughts nearly drove me to suicide a few times. I almost wanted to commit myself to a mental hospital a year ago because I couldn't stop obsessive thoughts or feelings attacking me. A few years ago, every minute of every day was spent thinking the same thing over and over again. This lasted over half a decade and kind of destroyed my 20's. Thankfully, I'm feeling better now and now only have the sexual identity issue thing. Although, I do have depression and some forms of OCD, it doesn't mean I'm not gay/bi.

@Ianthe,
Yep, I have intrusive thoughts about other things. Not as bad as before. I can't even look at myself in the mirror a lot of the time because that leads to unpleasant intrusive thoughts. I also avoid cameras to avoid triggering obsessive thoughts about my appearance and thus depression. I'm not actually though, and some women do like me.

I don't want to experiment with a man because I think it would be something I would regret if I am straight. I think it may become another obsessive thought and just make things worse.

But, I am in my 30's, only ever had one girlfriend, notice that some men are good looking, have a gay feeling in my face, and avoid intimacy with women. Of course, I'm very shy and rarely meet people so not having a girlfriend is not that unsurprising. I suppose it's normal to see members of the same sex are good looking. The gay feeling could be my imagination - I don't know. And maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt by members of the opposite sex so maybe I hide away and avoid intimacy.

However, I still constantly worry. Maybe I am gay. Maybe I'm bisexual. Maybe I'm asexual. I clearly don't have that strong a sex drive. If I was attracted to women I would be so desperate at this stage that I'd go with any women with 2 legs. If I were attracted to men, I would have at least have been sexually aroused at least once or had some sort of fantasy. Maybe I'm just not attracted to anyone or anything.

I have no idea what to think of the gay feeling. Do gay people typically have a gay feeling in their face which makes them gay?

There is a girl I like at the moment and I think she likes me, but she's young and probably wouldn't understand this problem, or any of my other problems. I think she would think I'm a crazy man if I told her some of the things that go through my mind.

I should probably see a psychiatrist. I'm kind of throwing my life away hiding away and thinking too much.

Thanks for reading.

 

Hi, I replied to some other questions, but my post is taking a while to show up on the boards so I'll reply to others.

Flying Squirrel,
What I mean by gay thoughts and feelings are quite complicated.

The gay feelings is not a feeling for another man, but a feeling in my face or sometimes body that just feels gay or feminine, or something like that - more gay than feminine. It's difficult to explain. I guess I was hoping to find out whether this is a normal feeling that gay people have and understand or is it my imagination. I have strange feelings in my body about other paranoias I have had so I don't know whether it's real or not. But it has been with me a long time and it's not very pleasant. This feeling often becomes stronger when around men.

By gay thoughts I generally mean questions about my sexuality. There have been some occasions when sexual images with a naked man attacked me, but I didn't get aroused by them. I'm fairly certain these images appeared in my mind because they're the things I didn't want to think. I have a tendency to think things I shouldn't think.

I honestly don't know what to make of these feelings and whether they mean I am gay or not. I'm wondering whether the feeling is sexual tension, but it doesn't feel 'sexual'.

I would love to know if this feeling is a normal feeling among gay people or whether it's my imagination. Also, whether gay people feel perfectly normal and psychologically free, except for sexual and romantic feelings for the same sex.

Thanks.

 

Hi,

Thanks for the replies. I went to the doctors and she gave me the name of a councellor who specialises in obsessive thoughts. She wanted to put me on ant-depressants which also help with obsessive thoughts, but I said no. I was on them before, and I'd prefer not to go back on them again.


Alex12,
I don't know if I would care if other people thought I was gay. I'm very self-conscious and private about all aspects of my life, but at the same time I don't really care what people think. I generally do my own things and go my own way in life.

By gay feelings I mean a feeling inside my body about myself. It's a feeling that feels 'gay'. It's hard to explain. I start to question my sexuality and all of a sudden this gay feeling about myself appears in my body and I begin to feel gay. I then start to wonder whether people can see this gay feeling in my body and if I think they can see my gayness and then all of a sudden I think "then I must be gay" and the gay feeling becomes stronger. It's not a very pleasant feeling and I would prefer it not to be there.
Another note, the gay feeling is strongest around my upper lip. I think my upper lip looks like Oscar Wilde's upper lip so that area of my face feels the gayest. Sometimes I feel so gay that I think I glow with gayness and that all gay people can spot me a mile away. Also, to me some people glow with gayness and I assume they're gay, but that could be my imagination. I often feel like going up and asking them if they're gay and whether they can see my 'gayness'. I often observe my body language and try and notice how my hand moves or how my body moves and notice if I'm moving in a particularly gay way.



Honestly, I think it would be okay if I were gay if I liked it. If I liked another man and I wanted to be with him and have a relationship with him and it made me happy, then that would be fine. If I'm happy I'm happy and I don't care what society thinks. I certainly wouldn't want to live somewhere which doesn't allow people to be who they are. I respect those who find themselves and make their own choices in life. However, I've never wanted to be with a man .... yet?

At my work place, there is one guy who seems to like me a lot for some reason. But I have no interest in any kind of relationship with him. There is a girl, maybe 2 girls, who also seem to like me. I like the fact that they like me, but I don't know about a relationship. In some ways I feel safer being by myself. It's easier. No jealousy, no worries, no hurt.

I honestly don't know what my sexuality is, or if I even have one. It's a pity because I'm still young and do have chances to be with someone - male or female. It's quite sad actually.

However, considering my obsessions, depression, the fact that I spent 6+ months in bed all day and night feeling very very bad after I broke up with the only girl I was ever with, that maybe I should remain alone. I may not be able to handle a relationship with a woman or man. I may not be able to control all the difficult emotions, such as jealousy, that come with intimacy. It's very possible I'll remain alone, which I guess is fine as I've never felt loneliness.

Thanks for your replies and for spending the time to read my posts.