Confused about my sexuality - The details

Hi all!

Sorry that this is so long. I need to get this out in the open. Even if it is with strangers.

I’m very confused about my sexuality. Wow where do I begin? Firstly my name is Matt. I guess I’ve always been a bit uncertain about my sexuality. At around about 12-13 years old, when I hit puberty, I remember being attracted to guys as well as girls. Back when I was that young I remember having countless crushes on girls as well as guys. Girl crushes were probably more frequent though. When I started having dating and being in a relationship with girls, at around 14-15- a little part of me was still attracted to guys. I still noticed that they were cute etc. At the time I thought- “it’s ok! It’s just hormones making you CRAZY, it will settle down.” Then, I was in a relationship with this wonderful girl by the name of Elizabeth. I was very close friends with her before we eventually got together and it was amazing. I loved her so much and we were so happy together for 6 months. At the time I was only about 14. When she broke up with me, it took me a while to get over her. Then when I was 17, a new guy came to my school from interstate. His name is Michael. We became friends. After a few months we became the best of friends. We stayed at each other’s houses every weekend. We would talk for hours about everything. Greet each other with a big hug. Look forward to every class we would have with each other, even choosing as many of the same classes as we could so we wouldn’t have to be apart.

I had never felt closer to someone before. I shared everything with him. One weekend we decided to look at some (straight) porn together- you know, being 17 full of horniness. From there we gave each other handjobs while looking at porn. We ditched the porn and went onto other activities, sucking licking etc. Both of us had little to no experience of sex with girls- I guess there a bit of sexual frustration so we chose the next best thing – our best friend. We would cuddle in bed and fall asleep in each other’s arms. After a few months of oral stuff, we progressed onto full sex. It was all very new and exciting for us. The sex would last for about 18 months, on a fairly regular basis. Here’s where it gets tricky. We never really acknowledged that we were in any kind of relationship. We both agreed that we would do all the other “stuff” but we would never kiss each other on the lips- something that is reserved for girls. Because we never acknowledged that we were in a relationship, we simply classed it as two friends having fun with each other. Sophisticated mutual masturbation I guess was our rationale. And here come the trickiness- we both had girlfriends when we were having sex. It sounds horrible I know- and I can’t believe that we fooled ourselves into believing it was ok. But it felt so good, emotionally and physically. Our justification of sophisticated mutual masturbation I guess saved us from feeling bad about it. When my girlfriend broke up with me, myself and Michael continued to have a sexual relationship, even though he was still with his girlfriend. Eventually me and Michael had a talk and decided we should stop the sex. We felt like it was wrong, not only because he was in a, by that point, relationship of 6 months, but also because we felt like it was wrong and disgusting. Homophobia I guess.

We never admitted that we might be gay. We referred often to having gay sex, but neither of us identified ourselves as gay. I still kind of wanted the sex to continue, but on the basis that Michael didn’t, I stopped pursuing it. On occasion we would have sex, after we decided to stop, it wasn’t very frequent, once every few weeks or so. Eventually Michael decided to stop completely, but I didn’t, I still wanted more. He was very decisive, the sex would stop completely. And it did. When it stopped completely, i turned to gay porn for comfort. It helped, and I looked at straight porn from time to time. I remember a point of about 6 months where I was only looking at straight porn and only being slightly attracted to guys. After Michael and I stopped completely having sex, we still remained friends, but nowhere near as close as we used to be. I would spend 18 lonely months wondering if I was gay or straight. Sure, I had a gay relationship with my best friend, but I had always been attracted to females, although at varying degrees. I spent those lonely 18 months dedicated to my school work, desperately trying to distract myself from my sexual confusion. After finishing school, I had a year off to earn some money before going to university. Michael had the same idea- and he moved into my house with my family, because his mother and father had to move interstate for work. Spending so much time with Michael again brought back many memories I had tried so desperately to forget. All the memories of the sex that i had just ignored came screaming back to memory. I had urges to have sex with Michael again, even though it had been over a year since we had sex. I told him about it and we did it on occasion. I had tried so desperately to avoid ever feeling this way again, so i was back where i started. Just a horny teenager aching for sex. He talked to me about stopping again. I agreed. He still had the same girlfriend from a couple of years ago.

They are a great couple – to this day they are still together.... 4 years!!!! Im not sure if he has ever told her about all this. At this point i was more confused than ever. I had met a few guys at work that i knew were gay – but i didn’t want to do anything about it because, well i guess that would make me fully gay, which is something that scared me to the core. I was raised catholic, and actually attended mass on a regular basis during all of this. I looked in my faith for guidance – i confessed on what I had done with Michael to a priest. The priest was actually very helpful, telling me that it’s just an old habit that will take some work to get rid of. In a way it was just what i needed to hear- I could rid myself of my gay feelings and just be a normal straight guy. If only it were that easy. I went through alot trying to get rid of my gay feelings and attractions. My own local church even had homophobic stuff in its sermons!! I trusted and respected this priest that i had confessed to, so anything he said, I took very much to heart. I tried so hard and got very involved in my religion, that I created so much self hatred that I didn’t see the point in living anymore. I developed suicidal thoughts and thought seriously about ending my life. All that these gay feelings had done was make my life miserable. I was either going to end them or they were going to end me. They came very close to ending me in fact. The church ended up sponsoring me to go overseas to an international catholic event called World Youth Day, which was held in Spain.

At this point, my gay feelings were stifled, and i was attracted to the opposite sex. On the plane on the way to Spain i met this wonderful person by the name of Sarah. We spend loads of time together when we were overseas, we were inseparable. She was and still is absolutely beautiful! Her eyes are a fiery hazel, her hair curly blonde locks, her skin glowing porcelain. When we returned from Spain, we decided to get in a relationship. I also decided that it would be a good idea to not have anything to do with that church anymore- i just go to a different catholic church now. We already had a good basis of friendship- going in a relationship wasn’t too hard. I really liked her. She understood me, something which not many people do. Early in the relationship, i loved spending time with her. I would look forward to when i could see her, even taking time off work so i could spend time with her- which is something she couldn’t believe – i was getting paid about 28 dollars an hour, 8 hour days. I bought her lots of presents. Hundreds of dollars worth of jewellery, just so I could see the joy on her face when i gave it to her. I wanted her to feel like a princess – to feel as wonderful as she really was. It was only about 3 or 4 months into the relationship when I told her that I loved her, it felt to right. I honestly thought that she was the one. And i still do. About 3 months into the relationship we started having sex. It was GREAT!! It felt so right! Making love to the woman I love so much was, and still is, wonderful. We did it as much as we could- as it turns out her libido is just as exicitable as mine. For a few months we had alot of sex. Then, when my year off finished, i started university. I had been having some trouble adjusting to living away from home. Oh by the way – to this very day- Michael still lives with my family. He’s like a part of the family now. Anyway, my transition to university didn’t go so well. The Anti-depressants I was on effectively stopped working, and i went into a deep depression. My sex drive during this time was dead, sort of. I had stopped having sex with my girlfriend because I was too depressed, and masturbated instead. The problem here is that it was mostly gay porn. I was still attracted to my girlfriend but had no real desire to have sex with her. I was back to masturbation as a means of sexual fulfilment. During this time of depression i felt myself being more attracted to guys. I still loved my girlfriend, so i told her everything. Everything that I have written here she knows about. She accepted it. She said she didn’t care. She knew that I loved her and that she loved me. She also said she had a period where she considered herself bisexual, which made me feel better. I felt so relieved talking to it with someone. Coming out of the closet I guess. She knew that the depression was screwing with my head and that when I got better, my sex drive would return. And that brings us up to recent times. I’m slowly recovering from depression but I still look at gay porn, and infrequently feel the urge to have sex with my girlfriend. But it is getting more frequent. I love her so much and i want to spend the rest of my life with her, but i don’t want to lead her on if I’m simply closeted gay.

I am very confused, and i need to get this sorted to recover from depression.
Am i gay and just closeted? this is the question that really worries me- i don’t want to hurt Sarah.

Or am i bisexual that swings between same and opposite sex?

Please help me figure this out.

Matthew.
PS I’m sorry that this was so long. Believe me it helped writing it all down.

 

Thanks for the advice. Ive come to accept that im bisexual. Currently i think im 60% gay 40% straight. The one thing that has been constant is the love of my girlfriend. I love her. One day i want to marry her. I feel like ive really figured myself out now. Just telling people about my problems have helped me alot.

All i want to do now is help others like me.

Thanks guys. :icon_bigg:smilewave