I recently wrote a post implying that I had always had a lack of confidence and self esteem Every kid asks his or her parents for things and I was no exception. The baseball glove was not leather but the cheapest vinyl, yes vinyl glove that could be bought in a hardware store in the 1980's. The first guitar was a 3/4 size model, every teenager's dream. First shotgun, yes, I know, every country boy went hunting back then, was a single shot, the cheapest that could be bought. Tools, I locked them in a box because they were my Christmas present then got yelled at when dad couldn't access them because they were bought for the farm. It goes on and on. After a while, there was no more asking. No more asking meant no more disappointments. Everything had an excuse, money, you'll grow out of it, safety, in the case of the shotgun. Fuck, the neighbor boys picked on me so bad about that gun, they all had Remington and Winchester models. Whenever someone was mean I told myself it didn't matter, that lead to telling myself that I didn't matter. When I figured out that I was different, never heard of LGBT back then, that lead to, well almost not being here. I understand now that my father was mentally ill, depression, greed, ect. How can I rid myself of these feelings that I still carry that he helped instill? Dean
It's important to be very specific Dean. It's important to really drill down to what you want to rid yourself of because none of us can reasonably unpick everything that our parents instilled in us, even if we would like to. Ask yourself what you can live with or maybe what you can reshape or reimagine into something more reasonable. Take the money issue, for example; is there a way of looking at it from a different perspective that doesn't feel so loaded with negative baggage? Has your father's attitude (petty and miserly as it was) maybe given you a greater appreciation for money and the smaller things in life? If it has, I would say something good has come out of something quite bad. What do you think? I know many people who were really spoiled as kids who are now spoiled and grasping adults. You probably know people like this yourself. When I consider what you have posted on this forum, I see how much you have progressed as an adult, even if you don't see it yourself. Some of your replies to other members in difficulty and distress have been very kind and giving and all of that comes from within Dean. It's not learned behaviour, is it? Your father was greedy, but you are giving. Your father wanted you to put up and shut up, but you are not inclined to do that either. So, to some extent you are casting off the shackles of your childhood and living to your own values... better values. That's something to be proud of and something you can be confident about, don’t you think? Maybe there is further to go on your journey, but really try to get a handle on what you want to rid yourself of. Try to define those intentions more clearly, so you are not looking at overwhelming chaos. Most importantly of all, talk it out. Our silence is one of the shackles that horrible and abusive parents come to rely on and use to their advantage.
Dean.....Every time you post something like this I see how much we are alike. I've shared before how my step-father verbally abused me in front of his friends while I was standing there, telling them how stupid I was. In this post you mentioned being bullied by the neighbor boys and *Bam* quick as a flash, there I was a 13 year old kid again being constantly bullied by the neighbor boys for just about everything. One day I finally broke. I went in the house when no one was around, got the 30-06 rifle that I was never, never supposed to touch and went out back of the house to find a good spot. Shortly I was able to get the boy who bullied me the most perfectly in the sights of the scope. It was a very close thing. The anger and hurt was so intense that all I wanted was for it to stop and I didn't know any other way to make it happen. I thank God that I didn't pull the trigger that day and that I was able to put the rifle back before I had to explain why I had it. I had forgotten about that until you mentioned what happened to you...but the anger and frustration came back to me almost as strong as it was when I was 13. There is so much that happened to us when we were young and were unable to defend ourselves against abusive parents, neighbors, school mates, etc.. Add to that the gradual awakening of our sexual orientation...the knowledge that we were different...that some of the very worst things that "they" said to us were actually true. It's actually a very serious compliment and a wonderful achievement that we have made it...that we have built a life! What I can share with you that I have come to understand about my step-father, that I think also applies to your dad, is that all of the things that they did that hurt us were expressions of their own pain, failure and trauma. What they did to us was not because of us...it was because of them. They were not able to overcome the darkness in their own life and so took it out on the others around them. It hurt us so much because we expected so much more from them and being children we not only could not do anything about it, we also did not understand it and came to think that it was our own fault. It.was.not.out.fault! I still have some feelings of anger and hurt when I think of my step-father. Over the years I've gradually learned that everything that happened was not my fault and I handle those emotions better now than just about I ever have. For me it has just taken time. A big part of overcoming all of those feelings was making very sure that my three sons never, ever had to go through what I did. Of course there was discipline when needed but there was never anything that made them feel that they were worthless or not cared for. I think that was the biggest part of my healing...being the father to my kids that I never had. One of the best ways to over come what was done to you is to be sure never to do that to anyone else. .....David
