1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Compulsory Heterosexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by 10 5 gang, Dec 31, 2020.

  1. 10 5 gang

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2020
    Messages:
    53
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Tulsa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If there are men out there that had a total of zero idea they were gay, shouldn't that mean I'm gay?

    I've been out for a few years as a homosexual,but I still have yet to get off to men. I meet men that I inexplicably want to talk and am drawn to, but I can't get off to them! Why is that?!

    I could easily get off to women. But there are guys out there that had ZERO idea they were gay. Am I a compulsive heterosexual? If so how do I get past this?

    I've read stories of guys living life as heterosexuals, only to come out as gay later in life. Did these guys really had no inkling of homosexuality or might've there been some repression going on? Or when looking back retroactively, are they able to spot some clues? Or this simply a case of no evidence of any kind but realized they were gay through finding love?
     
  2. RD Spencer

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2020
    Messages:
    187
    Likes Received:
    85
    Location:
    Western Wa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people

    A vast majority of people are on the straight end of the spectrum due to biology. The problem is not assuming most people are straight, the problem is assuming all people are straight. From what I have read is that LGBT people make up approximately 5 to 7 percent of the population. That might be on the high side. So approximately 93 percent of the population is well into the straight end of the spectrum and will be most happy in opposite sex relationships. So if someone had no reason to think otherwise why would they?


    I just recently heard of Compulsory heterosexuality and read some on it but need some time to think about this one.

    Sometimes when people are different from the majority it brings them comfort to think that the majority are more like them and just don’t want to admit it. This kind of thinking can get in the way of finding the truth about how reality really works.



    If I had no sexual desire towards men and plenty of it towards women I would assume that I was straight and focused on women. I have desires towards both so I use the label Bi here on EC but in life I did not use a label because they can be confining.


    Early in grade school I knew I was very different but not sure what it meant until puberty came along with the sexual desires and fantasies. To me it was very obvious that I should be concerned about my sexuality. For me that would be like ignoring being punched in the gut.

    I understand when people talk about being repressed and in denial but knowing deep down something is up, but I am completely baffled that some people had no idea at all until much later in life. Out of sheer curiosity I would like to learn more about this. Still I don’t thinks it is fair to blame society for be hetro-normative in their assumptions because most people are straight. Not being open to the fact that some people are different is the issue that needs to be addressed.

    Ultimately if you been trying to be open to same sex possibilities for awhile and still nothing is working it just may not be the case for you.
     
    BiGemini87 and Tightrope like this.
  3. TheJack

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2017
    Messages:
    95
    Likes Received:
    25
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Wait, so you identify as gay but can't get off to guys? Actually, here's a question, have you had sex with a guy or girl before?
     
  4. 10 5 gang

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2020
    Messages:
    53
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Tulsa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Neither I'm a virgin
     
  5. Sadness

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2020
    Messages:
    356
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I dont know much about all this but, are you aroused around men, like when you touch them, or kiss if you did already, or cuddling if you did too.

    Or maybe in your fantasies, does this fantasies make you aroused and you feel good with them?

    Bc if none of this makes you aroused, maybe youre not gay? Or maybe you are bi? Im not trying to say what you are, only you know. But if nothing of this makes you aroused what makes you think you are gay?
     
  6. 10 5 gang

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2020
    Messages:
    53
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Tulsa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I haven't missed a man. I do get a little aroused like my penis may move or get kind of erect but not BAM. For fantasies absolutely nothing happens. It's boring and I get sidetracked or penis get soft. I do get hard but I think that from stimulation. I think I'm gay because I get nervous around guys and I sometimes look at there crotch or get flashes of kissing or grabbing them. I try to go with it when I'm alone, but nothing happens.
     
    Helpp432 likes this.
  7. 10 5 gang

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2020
    Messages:
    53
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Tulsa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I also do find guys cute, handsome, attractive
     
  8. RD Spencer

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2020
    Messages:
    187
    Likes Received:
    85
    Location:
    Western Wa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    From my understanding is that the fantasies are a strong indicator of sexual orientation. What got me thinking I wasn’t straight was the fact that I was very turned on with the same sex fantasies.

    If I was only tuned on by women I would assumed that I was straight and on the flip side if I was only turned on by men I would have assumed I was completely gay not bi.

    The question is are these just a quick image flash that comes out of nowhere or is it something you spend a few moments thinking about and are enjoying the thoughts?

    Most straight guys are aware of it when an attractive guy is around. For them this guy means competition and this can make a straight guy nervous or on edge,
    but that is completely different that thinking about how good it would feel or how hot it is to make out with another guy and not want to stop thinking about it. For a guy in denial, he would be upset because he knew he liked it.

    Think of the difference between fantasizing about doing something you really enjoy doing something that needs to get done, like school work.
     
    BiGemini87 and Tightrope like this.
  9. Tightrope

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2013
    Messages:
    5,102
    Likes Received:
    261
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    A couple of thoughts. I'm so glad you mentioned that straight guys know what's going on around them and know who's hot and who's not. To this day, most guys would have trouble saying that. A few can now own up to it. I'm thinking hard about the original post. The one thing I can come up with is that the mind is more powerful than we think. The mind can control sexual pleasure and displeasure. It can make things that are usually pleasing to some people not pleasing and the other way around. There are probably deep rooted reasons for that. It would be like peeling an onion. One of the things I see as being challenging is when fantasies when a person is awake are different from the dreams and fantasies while a person is asleep. That could be one thing we could all pay some attention to.
     
  10. Sadness

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2020
    Messages:
    356
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Some ppl say that these moves in your dick and all that, are something called groinal response, but they say that comes along with anxiety, do you feel anxious when that happens?

    Im not a psychologist so i cant be sure about whether groinal response is a thing or not.

    But ill say something, i do get this flashes in my head like theyre intrusive, and i also feel this movement in my dick when i fantasise, but they dont arouse me,actually it does the opposite, i get flaccid.

    You say your find a men attractive, yeah a lot of men are attractive, brendon urie is a very attractive dude but im not gay for just thinking that hes attractive, hes handsome dude and i wish i was him, but i dont want to make out with him.

    If same sex fantasies arent appealing to you, maybe its not your thing, have you ever thought that you could be putting pressure on you bc of stereotypes?

    The world of masculinity is very hard, a lot of ppl try to look so masculine just bc they dont want ppl to think that theyre gay or whatever.

    When i was in school ppl used to tell me that i was gay bc i thought that a certain men was handsome, yeah i thought and i still do, why would this make me less straight?

    So maybe this has happened to you, i just want to help, i dont want to make you uncomfortable. But just bc you find men attractive doesnt mean youre gay, if you were, your fantasies about the same sex would it be pleasurable. Ive never seen someone who suppress their arousal, i think its the most honest part of our body.

    So if you dont get aroused to it maybe youre not gay:slight_smile:
     
    #10 Sadness, Jan 5, 2021
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2021
  11. BiGemini87

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    902
    Likes Received:
    704
    Location:
    Pembroke, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm inclined to agree with RD Spencer on much of his initial post: I have very mixed feelings about the whole "comp het" thing, especially when people use it to blame the status quo. I think it can be real in an internalized kind of way, certainly. It's one of the reasons I didn't realize I was bi until later in life--because I was afraid to let myself feel my feelings. Because I didn't even allow myself to acknowledge what those feelings were. But unless someone lives in a country where they are literally in mortal peril for being out as anything other than straight, being "forced" into a comp het lifestyle isn't something the vast majority of us actually deals with. Being exposed to straight people in real life and media doesn't diminish one's homo- or bisexuality. It certainly might make it more difficult when your feelings don't align with theirs and you wonder if there's something wrong with you for it, but to be clear, that's still internal. A personal problem.

    More to the point of the OP's post, though... Well, I won't presume to know whether you're gay or not. I will say my impressions, though. On this, I have two trains of thought:

    1) Your nervousness around guys is not an indication of attraction, but linked to some other condition (one with strong ties to anxiety).
    Or
    2) You are gay, but for whatever reason, you've been repressing your feelings of attraction. Maybe shame, maybe fear of the unknown, maybe some other reason I haven't considered.

    I think the best thing you can do for yourself is not to overthink this. Don't force yourself to feel one way or another for men or women. Don't force yourself to fantasize; just let it happen, if/when it happens.
     
    Helpp432 and Tightrope like this.
  12. TheJack

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2017
    Messages:
    95
    Likes Received:
    25
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Do what you feel, bud.
     
  13. Sadness

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2020
    Messages:
    356
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all

    I like what you wrote.

    When you said that you were afraid to let you feel your feelings, do you usually fantasised about same sex and got aroused?

    Or it was like you thought you could be gay but just put in the back of your head and never tried watching gay por or fantasize?
     
    #13 Sadness, Jan 9, 2021
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 9, 2021
    BiGemini87 likes this.
  14. BiGemini87

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    902
    Likes Received:
    704
    Location:
    Pembroke, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    More the second one. I experienced feelings and was physically drawn to a few girls here and there, but every time I'd start pondering what it could mean or if it meant anything at all, I'd stuff the feelings down. I never really had a fully realized thought regarding it; I don't think I even entertained the word "bisexual" in my mind, despite having a close female friend who was. I had the odd kink fantasy/watched specific kink porn in my late teens and since, in which females were often in giving/receiving ends of said kink play, but I think I conned myself into thinking I just used them as proxy to myself (as in I could see myself in either role).

    As the years went by, however, the attraction became more prominent, harder to ignore or explain away.