So first of all I wanted to give a little background: I’m 13, afab, and just started my last middle school year. As a child, I had never quite felt like I belonged in the “girl” world: I used to like what we typically define as “feminine” things, sure, but I myself wasn’t that much of a girly type, nor acted like one. I never really took into consideration my gender identity and how I maybe didn’t belong in my own body, even though I was totally conscious of the existence of that possibility. Back when I was 8 or 9, I don’t quite remember, I developed a crush on a girl in my class, but never really made a big deal out of it or thought it was wrong of me or whatever silly thoughts cross a first graders mind idk. It wasn’t until I was 11 that I truly considered my feelings, and started to look a bit into it. I realized I didn’t really give any importance to gender when it came to romantic feelings, so I tried to talk about it to my mother and told her I thought I liked girls. She just brushed it off and scolded me, telling me that it was the internet’s fault for “filling my head with rubbish” and that “I was too young to know any of that”. That really hurt me deeply, and caused me to stop talking about my feelings to her. I’ve already kind of sorted that out now, I’ve decided I won’t be labeling myself and treat these feelings as totally normal, which they actually are, and therefore not do any of that coming out stuff. Unfortunately, I cannot do the same with my gender identity, which has made it very rough for me. I don’t feel like I’ve built up enough courage just yet, even though years have passed ever since I’ve started questioning, but it’s getting very very hard to cohabit with dysphoria. This is the very first day I’ve started school, and getting labeled as female has happened many times in just a short span of time. I want to come out as soon as possible, so that I can already be officially identifying as male once I change school for high school, but I’m really having problems telling my mother because of that one time. I’m scared she’ll react the same as when I tried telling her I liked girls, and just the thought of doing it terrifies me. I went with her to shop for clothes around 2 months ago and went into the womenswear area: I got really overwhelmed by it and asked if I could go to the bathroom, and immediately broke down as soon as I did. The tears wouldn’t stop, so at a certain point I just had to leave and she saw me crying. We went back to her car and as soon as we did I started sobbing uncontrollably. I didn’t manage to tell her, and I don’t think that thought has even crossed her mind. I want to go to therapy and find out if what I feel is actually the real thing, but I don’t know how. Any tips or advice would be really appreciated. And thank you if you’ve read through this little ramble of mine til the end. (Also excuse any grammatical errors english is not my native language)
Therapy is often a very good idea. Even if you can't convince your parent(s) to let you see a gender specialist, it can still help to talk through your feelings with a licensed professional, and if you're able to do that, I'd say go for it. To find a therapist, and to pay for one, you'll probably need input from your mother, and if you wanted to try and see a gender specialist, you'll probably have to come out to your mother first. It might be easier to convince her to let you see a therapist online using a service like betterhelp.com or talkspace.com, as these are more accessible because she won't have to drive you anywhere, and often cheaper. Online therapy isn't exactly the same as in-person therapy, but it can still be helpful. As for coming out to your mother, have you discussed trans issues with her recently? If not, maybe do that a little bit to see what she thinks about it. Coming out if you're not in a safe environment is not a good idea, especially when you are a minor and can't support yourself financially. Test the waters by talking about an LGBTQIA+ friend, or perhaps transgender rights, or just asking her what she thinks about LGBTQIA+ people if it came up on a TV program or magazine or something. Seeing her reaction, you can probably determine if she would accept you as transgender. Also, don't rush to come out. Depending on what high school you're going to, you could probably change your gender marker later on if you're not ready to come out now. You might be able to check your high school's LGBTQIA+ policies on their website, or the website of the school district Just take your time and weigh your options; see what's right for you and remember to put your personal safety above all else. Good luck, fellow 13-year-old!
