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Coming out as trans to wife

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by brigitta, Dec 22, 2022.

  1. brigitta

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    Okay, it’s a long story, I’ll try to keep it reasonable length but I can’t promise.

    For the last three years, I’m in the process of coming out to my wife as a trans. Just like many others in similar situations, for a long time I never had the guts to have that conversation, being afraid of breaking the marriage, hurting my partner and, to be painfully honest, of being alone. (Loneliness is perhaps the single biggest fear I have in life.)
    I don’t know how much longer I would keep it secret from her, if one day she wouldn’t find my female clothes.

    That day, she confronted me about them just as I came back from work. Probably will never forget opening the door and that pair of panties that flew straight into my face and her voice when she asked “Whose are those?”… Obviously, she thought that I was cheating on her.
    After a many hour long talk, I managed to explain to her that all those clothes and make up were mine, albeit I had to demonstrate that they did in fact fit me and that I am able to do my make up.
    I never told her explicitly that I’m trans, although, in hindsight, I believe I should have used the moment, but rather that I wear those clothes and make up because it feels comfortable and natural for me, which is true. Visibly disgusted, she told me that she doesn’t want to know anything about it and if I must do so, then I should do it so behind her back and never mention it. But, at least it was a start and it relieved the feelings of guilt I had for keeping it secret.
    So it went on for about a year, we both acting as if nothing has happened. Then, after a while, she started teasing me every time when we were passing a lingerie store, or she was shopping clothing for herself, like she would show me a piece of clothing and ask “I bet you’d want that for yourself?”. A few more times, she explicitly suggested that I dress en femme as a pet of sexual role play. Sometimes she would randomly call me “her girl”, or comment that she feels manly by my side and enjoys it.
    All that gave me hope that she might actually be accepting of me being trans, but alas, she keeps avoiding an open, honest discussion of the matter.
    In some days she seems to accepting if my nature, other days, she says that she’d want me to be more manly/muscular/dominant/some other traditionally masculine trait.

    It’s driving me crazy. I know we love each other, but will she be able to come to terms that she does in fact love another woman? Will the relationship survive this?

    I wish I knew how to get things straight with her… And had the guts to do so.

    Any and every single piece of advice will be much appreciated w
     
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  2. chicodeoro

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    I wish I could give you an easy answer, Brigitta. My own situation is very different - my beloved partner's death was the catalyst for my gender revelation. Had she lived, I would still be deeply in denial (though very happy).

    By the sounds of it, your wife thinks you're merely a cross dresser who does it for 'kinky' purposes and from what you've just written you are a transgender woman. Essentially, you are living at cross purposes.

    You could come out to her properly. But you have to be prepared that it will mean the end of your relationship. There are some trans women in similar situations to you whose marriages survive but from what I can gather they are very much in the minority, and their relationships become that of non-sexual companions, which sounds very different to what your wife seems to want.

    As I said, no easy answers. Much of this boils down to what is most important to you: her love or living as your authentic self?

    Good luck,
    Beth
     
    #2 chicodeoro, Dec 22, 2022
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2022
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  3. brigitta

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    Sorry about your loss.

    Your words are spot on.

    I love and want to be with her and don’t want to hurt her either… Which might prove impossible to do if I’m fully open and honest about who I am ‍♀️

    You are right, there is no easy way out.

    Pain is inevitable. I wonder if suffering really is optional.
     
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  4. DragonChaser

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    The pain of losing her may come, yes. The additional suffering is optional. How long you want to sit with the uncertainty is up to everyone in a similar situation. Personally, in three decades and some change of life, I've grown very sick of it. The not-knowing won't kill you, it'll just drive you crazy. And I've been on the edge of crazy before, believe me.

    It to me seems it's time to have a serious conversation with your spouse, and it involves a very serious choice for you; do you pursue your truth or do you place your relationship ahead of self-actualization. I do not say this to taunt you or make the answer appear obvious. Some relationships can't weather this kind of thing, and some people choose their family. No shame in it.

    It's a choice we all have to make. What do you value more? Your truth or your life as it is? That is, if it is indeed the same or if it ever can be after whatever has come to pass, in your case your wife discovering your private collection. For me, that ship has sailed, so to speak, so I'm diving in. Nothing left to lose, really.

    This is not to say you should do the same. I think a slow approach is good, but also she's had time to react to some of it, and she's been at least somewhat receptive. She'll need time to react to the bigger picture, but I would encourage you to introduce her to it, so you can both get on with the business of living in earnest, without a cloud hanging over your head.

    I know that's easy enough to say when you're not the one facing the consequences, of course, so whatever you choose, I give you my respect and thanks for sharing your story and trusting us to offer guidance.

    I send love and I wish you well. Good luck, sister.
     
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  5. brigitta

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    Thank you, DragonChaser, I appreciate your advice and warm words.

    I’m afraid my own indecision (joining forces with doubt and guilt) would drive me mad long before uncertainty will have a chance.

    That reminded me of a movie I saw long, long ago, I believe it was called “Captain Morgan” or something like that… There was a scene where the namesake captain couldn’t persuade his crew that in order to achieve their objective they’d have to ditch the ship altogether, so one night he just set it on fire, leaving no other option than to travel by land.

    So I’ve decided to put my ship to torch, figuratively speaking. I made a video with a detailed explanation of what is happening and she will receive it after two weeks… So either I will come out voluntarily, or I’ll be outed to her by an automated script, which I made inaccessible to myself.

    We both have some free time to spend together after Christmas, so that hopefully will be the day. I pray for courage.
     
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  6. chicodeoro

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    Wow!

    I applaud your courage, Brigitta. I hope that your bravery is rewarded by the best possible outcome for the both of you, one free of bitterness and rancour, one that is guided by love.

    Please be sure to tell us how it goes.

    Your sister, Beth x
     
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  7. Lilreyes

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    ❤️
     
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  8. brigitta

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    I’m afraid, dear sister, this was an act of despair more then courage… I just could go on like this anymore.

    So, it happened, I came out to my wife. Told her the whole story from the very beginning, every single detail I could remember.

    At first, she was strongly disappointed on hearing the news and told me that this is not what she expected out of a relationship and that this situation is demeaning towards her as a woman.
    Some time later into our discussion, she calmed down a bit my and began to open up, so at least I had a chance to explain myself.
    To keep this reasonably short, we decided to continue with our relationship and see how it goes. While she’s not exactly accepting of my plans to begin slowly transitioning, she confirmed that she grudgingly accepts them, (in her words: “if you absolutely must”) at least so far as there are no permanent changes made, because she would prefer to see me as a classically masculine man.

    But, with all that, she doesn’t seem to consider this issue anything more than a strong obsession with a certain fetish, which “likely stems from a childhood trauma and lack of positive male role models” and urged me to check with another therapist, “in case this can be remedied in some other way”.

    While her reaction wasn’t far not as extreme as I expected, it feels that coming out has pretty much turned out marriage upside down, despite both of us acting as if nothing happened.
    Where we will go from here and how our relationship will evolve ,or will it break? Time will tell.
    But it was a most liberating experience, to come out and to be honest like never before.
     
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  9. chicodeoro

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    First of all congratulations on coming out to her. Partners and children (and parents) are the biggies. It won't get any harder than that.

    As from where you both go? It sounds as if your wife is at stage one of grief: denial. This will be a long difficult process for her and for you both. As I mentioned downthread, let love and kindness be your guides as you try to navigate what are bound to be choppy waters.

    Hugs,
    Beth x
     
    #9 chicodeoro, Dec 27, 2022
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2022
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