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Cold feet about meeting a guy online from a different country

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Scottbre, Aug 24, 2022.

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  1. Scottbre

    Scottbre
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    Hi all,

    This is a bit of a weird one.

    About 3 months ago, I met and started talking with a guy I met online. We are the same age (25). He lives in California and I live in the UK.

    At first, I was not expecting anything to happen (I have never really believed in LDR’s - I feel like there is too much commitment in my scenario). However, as we talked over the coming weeks I did start to develop an attraction to him. We FaceTime, call, and message for hours a day (time zone permitting).

    He told me a couple of weeks ago that he wanted to take a vacation, and asked if I’d be cool with him coming to London for a week. I was a little apprehensive at first because we have not been talking for overly long. However, I agreed to him coming and told him that I would spend the week with him.

    As far as I can tell, he likes me and I also have feelings for him (to an extent without actually meeting him in person). This is something I wanted to figure out on the week we spend together - I did not want to jump into a relationship without fully knowing who he was/what I would be getting myself into.

    Anyways, we decided on dates and he will be coming over in just a few weeks. He has booked and paid for his plane ticket.

    In all honesty, when he brought it and told me, I did not feel excited or even happy. In fact, I felt worried, confused, and started questioning whether I even like him that much at all.

    I think that my main worries are as follows;

    1) I am nervous to share a hotel room with someone I’ve never met.

    2) What if I do not like him as much as I thought I did?

    3) What if I fall for him and want to pursue a relationship with him? (This leads me onto point 4…)

    4) How would a LD relationship even work between us because he loves California and doesn’t want to leave (I can’t blame him), yet I am such a mummy’s boy I could never leave my family by moving to Cali… (for pretext, my mum is disabled and struggles to travel - she would never be able to visit me).

    All of my above worries are really giving me cold feet. My gut is telling me that I shouldn’t meet him. However, he has purchased a plane ticket costing $700 and I cannot just bail. I just really wish we spoke for longer online before meeting so I could get a better understanding of my feelings.

    I will meet him because he has invested so much, but I don’t know what I should do moving forward.

    Any suggestions?
     
    #1 Scottbre, Aug 24, 2022
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  2. Cinnamoon

    Cinnamoon
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    Could you meet in a public place at first?

    And maybe take one thing at a time. Maybe even be honest with him about your worries if things go well. Yes he's bought an expensive ticket and it might be nice to meet with him safely and publicly to see how things go, but remember you don't owe him anything you don't want to give him either. You owe yourself happiness first.

    But I would advise meeting publicly and maybe spending some time together outside getting to know each other before going back to a hotel room or anything like that. And then if you want to, go for it but if you don't, then you really don't have to.
     
    #2 Cinnamoon, Aug 24, 2022
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  3. Isbjorn

    Isbjorn
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    I can see your worries and understand them. Remember not to put the cart before the horse. I liked Cinnamoon's idea to meet in a neutral place and go from there. Be open about your concerns if you feel them headed that way. He may be there just for a fun time and to see the UK. If you hit it off well enough, be his tour guide and show him around. I know if I were to visit, I sure as heck would want to see the sights.

    Play it by ear, but also communicate. Mostly HAVE FUN! Enjoy spending time with a friend.
     
    #3 Isbjorn, Aug 24, 2022
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  4. BiGemini87

    BiGemini87
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    The others are right: I think at this juncture, all you can do is be honest with him about your concerns and worries, lay out the cards on what you're looking for/hoping for/etc. and allow him to vocalize his own thoughts on the matter. He may have bought a plane ticket, so I understand you not wanting to bail on him--however, this doesn't mean you have an obligation to do anything with him that you're not ready to (or may never be ready to). Him coming to see you really should just be about having an opportunity to get to know one another better; if you do wind up having feelings for each other, you'll figure things out from there.

    In the meantime, try not to stress about this too much (I know, easier said than done). For all you know, he could be experiencing a lot of the same uncertainties. :slight_smile:
     
    #4 BiGemini87, Aug 25, 2022
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2022
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