Closet case

I just wanted to say something. I’ve gone in and out the closet so much over my life but recently I’ve realised, as Chip says, when I masturbate without porn this is a good indication of my sexuality. And I always thing about my experiences with guys.

so right now I’m not in the closet. I’m gay. I’m gay and it feels good to say it

 

Thank you contented. Yeah it is it’s a shame it doesn’t last long I always put that “gay box” down so to speak and just go back to it when it’s about to go Pandora’s box on me.

Jake, yes I have and it seems these are the experiences I think about when I masturbate without porn as I said, the orgasm is always so much more powerful as well. Even though I’ve had sex with a women hundreds of times I rarely if ever think about those.

I suppose I’m at the stage of clinging onto my hetero persona. Even though I’m out to a couple of people about being at least bi probably more gay though. When I told a mate she said “It’s ok to be gay” and that resonates and I think I’m starting to believe her more and more myself although obviously I know objectively it’s no big deal.

I don’t think coming out would work for me. My sex life is obviously nobody else’s business maybe one day it could just be one of those things people suspect or know but nobody talks about it because I’d be uncomfortable.

I’m just terrified about getting “caught” red handed because I feel like I’m doing something wrong.

I always feel I need alcohol to have the courage to actually meet a guy which sucks because it’s almost always just one nighters.

anyway thanks for your replies and kind words hopefully I’m making progress on this journey at least internally.

 

@Searching2022
Absolutely I wouldn’t be worried at all if everyone was like this person lol. I’ve been out to myself all week that’s the longest ever so I think that’s progress.
Thanks for your comments everyone it’s helpful and nice to read a get other perspective.

 

@Searching2022 what you say absolutely hits the nail on the head, now I’ve had some time to think about it (still out to myself surprisingly) it makes total sense. I’m not scared of actually being gay I’m scared what people think. Quite an obvious thing maybe but not something I had really spent any time thinking about, so thank you for that. That is really the only fear, I’m happy and really can’t wait to show off my “gayness”. I don’t feel there’s anything wrong with me and I’m anxious to be my true self. BUT, I can’t be because people will “think” things about me. I put that in quotation marks because I believe it’s me imagining others thoughts and views about me, somewhat self indulgent, rather than them actually thinking it. My own worst enemy I am and always will be.

Surprisingly that little thought actually has given me some clarity so thank you for that.

anyway I’m still out to myself, longest ever period, I do wonder will I end up back in the closet or do you hit a point of self acceptance from which there is no going back. Both sides of that coin are kinda scary but I’m glad I am where I am right now. There’s nothing wrong with being gay, it’s my own prejudices and quite frankly horrible group mentality growing up which has instilled that idea.
Thanks again.
That idea has given me some clarity.

 

@Searching2022 btw you don’t seem like someone who ends up in the closet, I’m very surprised. You seem like you have a great level of insight into exactly my problems. Thanks again

 

maybe it’s time I started posting in the coming out forum

 

@Searching2022 I tried to message this on your wall but kept getting logged out and error message.

-- Hi, just wanted to say thank you. Your equivocation of the "im scared about what people would think if they knew" thoughts and the fact of being gay is subtle and has been incredibly helpful in stopping me from going back into the closet. Thank you so much for that. I hope you can progress on your journey from your own insights as much as they have helped me progress. --

 

Yeah I actually was in that situation but wasnt out to myself and was still terrified about people finding out. Even strangers. Now I’m in a different place and totally would go for it. Even in an area where I know people I’m kinda thinking fuck it is just go for it anyway.
I did once end up at a lock in with the pub manager who was gay and stayed in his bed where he gave me oral and I him too with somebody else in the room who does not know. I kinda can’t believe that happened I guess being your true self is powerful. More powerful than I give it credit for.

every time I’m drunk I wanna tell my mum, or step sister, or a mate who I know wouldn’t care. I never do but been close lol. I’ve kinda not gone back to the closet just stopped accepting it so much. And it makes me less happy. Need to keep going the mirror exercise lol.
Anyway thanks again. I’ll keep you posted in a new thread in a few weeks/ months how it’s going if not because anybody cares but at least for me. Although I’m sure you all do care and empathise as a lot of you have been there.
Peace x