Hello all Not sure if I'm posting just to have someone to talk, or if any advice can really be given as it is inevitable... I am about to loose my job, and my flat contract ends in January. Without a good enough salary there is no way that I can renew the contract. My dad has offered me to live with him until I find a job - that would mean leaving London and moving to the north. He has offered the entire upstairs space of two bedrooms and an en suite...however... What he is not aware of is that I am gay, have been out to everyone other than family for 15 years and have had a partner, who lives with me, for 6 years. How can I approach my dad and tell him that not only will I have to move in (which he offered), but also my partner, who is also a man, who he has no idea about will be moving with me also (he has no where else to go). I have hidden him from my family with a careful constructed web of lies...and have to hide him or get him out of the flat if my family visits. Any advice...or just talk...
Oh, dear. This is not an easy situation. If it had been a much shorter amount of time, I wonder if it might have been easier. But the fact that you've been out as gay for 15 years and have had your partner for 6 of those years... Well, at the very least, your father might be hurt that you kept it from him. At the most, he might be homophobic--but without knowing anything about your dad and the history between you two, it's hard to say. You might want to look into a back-up plan, should things not go well; because I think first and foremost, you're going to have to be honest with him before agreeing to move in. It wouldn't do to tack on, "And oh, by the way, my boyfriend's coming with me." This is going to require some tact on your end. Sadly, I don't have the answers. This is just my two cents, and I'm sure someone else will have better insight to offer.
Thank you for replying! He is surprisingly not homophobic at all, but you are right with the length of times it will be more difficult for him to accept I think. Bigger problem is that he will certainly tell my sisters and mum, who are all extremely homophobic. I.e turn off tv if someone gay is on, thinks gays are disgusting etc... I would look for a back up plan, but because of the circumstances, there are no other options than to move in with him.
To be honest, terribly. He has no where else he could go, so would be forced to come with me. He is not out with his family, but they also do not want him to move back with them anyway. He says it will be fine and try to comfort me on the issue, but I know he is keeping his true feelings quiet.
Do your sisters and your mum live with your dad? If no, you can tell them at a later time. But I think your dad needs to be told now, before you make your move. And tell him in person, with your partner at your side. Just my opinion.
If your mum and sisters don't live with your father, request that he not tell them. That way, you can do it in your own time, in your own way and prepare yourself for whatever vitriol comes your way. If they do all live together... Well, that's trickier. Neither outcome is particularly good where your mum and sisters are concerned, but definitely come out to your father first. Maybe he can make it easier with the rest of your family?
Honestly, I look at these things a bit differently. I would not recommend holding back on this. Hiding a major part of your life from your family takes an enormous toll on you emotionally. You can pretend it doesn't... but it does. Because you're living inauthentically, and holding back a major part of your life from people you (presumably) care deeply about causes pretty serious emotional trauma, and in the long term, that impacts your health as well. So I think the solution is simply to rip off the band-aid. No qualifications or white lies or ifs, ands or buts. It can be as simple as an email, something like : "Hey, before I move in, there's something you really need to know, which I haven't felt comfortable sharing, and that's that I'm gay. And I have a partner of 6 years, who lives with me. For whatever reason, it just hasn't felt appropriate to share this, and I feel bad about it, but I want to change that. I hope you don't in any way blame yoruself or feel like you did anything wrong; I just wasn't ready to tell you all. I hope you can understand. Let's talk. You can call when you're ready, or I'll call in a few days." In your circumstances, an email might be the best. It gives him time to read, digest, and process before you talk to him. I have a feeling it will all work out OK, but I'd do it as close to immediately as you can, so it can be processed and dealt with before the holidays. As for your sisters... I think you'll be surprised. It may take them a bit to get used to, but their perceptions are probably borne out of not spending time around any gay people. I think if you let your dad tell them (or send them an email yourself), again, it's about getting past the initial discomfort of ripping off the band-aid. You deserve to live your life authentically, with your partner. If your sisters can't deal with that, it's on them, not you.
