Hey, So lately I'm feeling totally and utterly lost. A note before I continue - I've posted about this issue before. Multiple times, so I'm entering the massively broken record zone at this point. I am seeking mental health help, because I feel like this is just as much a mental health problem as a situational problem, but I'm honestly struggling so much right now and feel alone even though there are some lovely people around who sometimes support me. Some of them I talk to, some of them I push away, but the issue remains and has remained this entire year. I feel like this last week in particular, I'm almost at breaking point emotionally. I really need to get things out in their entirety, because I honestly don't know how to move beyond this feeling and this person. I can't just block and walk away - this whole encounter has made me feel extremely mentally unwell and I'm really, really struggling right now. That being said, here goes. I've always struggled with my mental health, but lately I'm losing grip on things. I'm not a risk to myself, but I lie in bed almost every night completely unable to sleep, sometimes all night long, just feeling totally overwhelmed, alone and hopeless. In 2020 me and my ex broke up - it wasn't my choice. We'd been together two years, and it took me ages to get over. He was my first and only relationship or intimate thing of any kind, and this completely devastated me. Throughout this time, before and since, I can't really say I've had any friends. I have people I chat to, mostly by text, but I either have to do all the work, or they just lose interest in me after a while. Or sometimes, admittedly, I just push them away. For about six months after my breakup though, I was doing okay. Until I met a guy, a guy in an open relationship. Who hinted at a lot, seemed so excited to want to know me and even be my friend, sex or no sex. Who said he was going nowhere, who offered me a fwb thing but suggested he valued my friendship more. Who also completely abandoned me. And honestly I think it's the promise of a friendship of some kind I miss more. Long story short, I felt used. I developed such hard feelings for him, and when I told him, he distanced himself completely from me. He lied, manipulated me, pushed me away, and I took it without confrontation because I thought I deserved it. This was between January and about March this year, but still I hold on. I've been unable to meet anyone who affects me the same way since, he still replies if I message albeit with an extremely low amount of effort, and I just feel so lost and abandoned, like it's my fault, nobody can love me or like me, I'm always the one holding on, caring, making the effort and like nobody else cares at all. Obviously he has a long term partner so I would never have meant as much to him as he did to me, and rightly so, but he never specified the bounds of the relationship even though I asked, and even though he never really cared I just find myself caught on him and this whole situation - probably because it hits all my insecurities and self-doubts. The way I'm caught on it changes - I miss his friendship more than the intimacy now, although I would like more intimacy in general. But the hurt remains, and even grows over time. He basically said that as long as I didn't tell him I was madly in love with him, I wouldn't mess it up. To be fair I did tell him I had strong feelings and a huge crush on him, but afterwards he slept with me anyway even though I physically struggled to hug him or look at him because I didn't know how to act, didn't even ask if I was okay, and then told me we should meet up again by text afterwards only for me to never see him since even once. And I know I won't see him again until the day I die. So many factors contribute to this. He's a high flyer, with an amazing career. He seems so together in looks, personality, just enthusiasm for life. The fact he kept a long-term relationship together for many more years than I could, and did both casual and serious better than I did, made me feel so insignificant next to him. And since him, my depression has been a million times worse - all year long. I'm none of those things, I'm a total and utter mess. I have nothing going for me, when it comes to the ideals of apps and social media. I'm basically nothing. I speak to therapists, to other people, to family. But when I'm sitting alone at night, every night, unable to sleep with him and other things on my mind, I just lose all hope. I become numb. I imagine him with his friends, his life, his boyfriend, and yes I know his life will be far from perfect like anyone's. He will have issues, have struggles, has worked damn hard to get where he is. But all I can focus on is how inadequate I am next to this person who didn't even need to move on, because we never really had anything to begin with. I feel wrong for caring, being sentimental, being so introverted and boring. I know my life isn't over, but honestly it feels like it is. Before him, I was coming to terms with being alone. But the promises he hinted at - helping me with my career, being a friend, being there when I needed him - have not only shattered, but shattered a part of my soul too. I didn't even want to be with him, but I caught feelings when we slept together and when I reached out my hand, he took it only to toss me over the cliff edge, where I'm still tumbling down to this day I feel defeated, like I deserve to feel defeated, like there's nothing to my life and that I can't escape his shadow - someone to whom I don't even exist. Who doesn't think about or care about me at all. Who just continues to live his life, while I rot away in the shadows. It's almost unbearable. Don't get me wrong there's other issues. Failed jobs, other failed friendships, a complete lack of ability on my part to have a healthy relationship at all. Despite this I try my best, even getting out of bed can be a challenge some days. I just feel so utterly useless and worthless, and this guy has brought these feelings to the fore for such a long time that I can't seem to get them under control again, no matter what I try. It feels like this encounter has finally broken me. There's a new guy who I think has already become bored of me. Most people who do end up talking to me on apps I just don't feel any kind of connection with, and I've lost the motivation and the ability to keep conversations going. I'm just really not okay. I hyper-focus on this person because the whole thing hit a nerve, but I seriously feel fundamentally broken now. Fundamentally alone despite the therapy and attempts at meds. Not sure where to turn - because I feel this constantly, no matter how reassuring the conversations I have about it may be. I've messed up new connections and old alike, because of how despairing and desperate I feel in general. It's taking me over. I just can't escape this all-encompassing, shattering feeling. It's too much.