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Can you maintain a normal friendship with someone you are attracted to?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Thunderstruck33, Jan 9, 2023.

  1. Thunderstruck33

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    One of my best friends of over 15 years was recently married. I am genuinely very happy for him that he found a partner and his wife is awesome.

    We have maintained a close friendship and I was one of the best men at his wedding. We tell each other everything. We both helped each other going through the deaths of a parent at a young age. He is a great friend and I try to be a great friend to him.

    The problem is I am physically attracted to him. When we used to go to the gym, I could not help but give an extra look to see what underwear he had on for example. Or if I saw his waistband ride up again I can not help but look.

    I am certain he knows I am somewhat attracted to him or was at one point. I used to get jealous if he hung out with other friends (though I have learned to control my emotions after high school). He even has asked if I was attracted to him in the past and said he is fine with it just to know that he is straight. I denied it, not wanting to risk ruining our friendship.

    My question is: can I maintain a normal close friendship with him as I have been?

    I have accepted he is straight, and I have no wish to ruin the bond we have. I feel like it is one of the closest friendships I've ever had, but I can't help but think I'm a bad person for secretly being attracted to him and lying.

    Even at his wedding with getting ready/changed before I realized I am definitely still attracted to him physically. But he did tell me during the wedding that I'm his best friend.

    I am hoping we can just stay close friends forever. I wish the feelings of being attracted to him will just one day die, but it doesn't seem like it will. Any advice is appreciated.
     
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  2. Rayland

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    Something similar happened to me. It is possible to stay friends. You do need to give yourself time to get over it and a little distance at least for a while, otherwise you just keep hoping, if you're constantly chatting with him and being close. Try to focus more on self care and on hobbies. It helps to distract you.
     
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  3. Incoming

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    I've been in a similar dilemma more times than I care to remember. Thankfully, the situation always took care of itself. After a while, I would just lose (sexual) interest - the agony of unrequited attraction was too much to sustain.

    Or else, life circumstances reduced our mutual contact and I no longer had to see these guys anymore - problem solved.

    Um, there was also lots of porn... what can I say, you find consolation wherever you can.
     
    #3 Incoming, Jan 10, 2023
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2023
  4. Cinnamoon

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    I've tried, and I guess in a way I've been successful. But I'm also not personally sure I can maintain a normal friendship with anyone.

    I'm still friends with my ex and we talk sometimes, but much less than before obviously. I guess it's easy because they're a kind person and I've just learned to shut off my feelings for people who aren't available to me. Probably not the healthiest coping mechanism.

    I guess it's different for everyone. Some people can do it, some can't, and some people can at some points in their lives and can't at others. If it works for you, go for it. If you need time, then give yourself that time. And if you can't just be friends, that's okay too. Whatever feels best for you.
     
  5. mlansing

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    Your attractions are your business and your business only. I have several straight male friends whom I am attracted to, but I have never admitted that to them.

    The question is really one of degree. Is it agonizing to be friends with him knowing that it will never be anything more? Or is he more just a friend with the uncomfortable component of you being attracted to him? If you are not in agony, I do think it’s probably worth maintaining your friendship and not telling him you are attracted to him.

    On the other hand, is being close to him preventing you from meeting someone you could be in a relationship with? Perhaps it would be best to keep him as a friend while also dating and meeting new people.

    Long story short, though, this does sound like a friendship worth maintaining. Even if you told him you were attracted to him, a good friend will politely decline the offer but still keep you as their friend. That happened to me with one of my friends, and we are still friends to this day. Yes, old feelings may still crop up, but my feelings for him on that level have subsided over time, and I am thankful that we are still friends.
     
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  6. Tightrope

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    A lot of crushing on straight people comes up on the forum. I agree with this post. A lot of times these are confusing because you don't know if it's attraction or it has some envy in it. I don't know. Kind of reminds me of the book "A Separate Peace," which I read ages ago. But this doesn't sound like you're confused.

    Telling the friend can either drive the friend away, change the way you interact subtly enough that it might bother you, and it can really rile up their partner and put them on guard.

    If I've already gotten to be buddies with someone, the attraction may have faded. This was way worse when I was in college and just started working. People I was really attracted to intimidated me and it festered. It took about ten years to get to the point where I would make it a point to speak with them fairly quickly, take them down from the pedestal, and be relaxed. Not caring how something will turn out puts you back in control in a way and makes you relax ... because you ideally shouldn't care about something you can't control.

    The other thing that may happen is "out of sight, out of mind." They may still end up in a dream or two at night, but you'll process this kind of stuff faster.
     
    #6 Tightrope, Jan 28, 2023
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2023
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  7. BiGemini87

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    I agree with @mlansing's assessment: if it's a minor, uncomfortable level of attraction, things will sort themselves out over time. But if it's agonizing for you right now (or ends up being so at any point in the future), it's important to take stock of things. Mainly, to take time for yourself, reflect on how much his friendship means to you, and whether you can stand to lose said friendship over the truth. It sounds to me like he'd be very understanding though, as long as you respect his boundaries and accept that friendship is the most he'll ever be able to offer you.

    I know how difficult it can be, to have unrequited feelings. I won't say they'll go away quickly, or at all. I will say, however, that it does get better/easier with time.
     
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  8. silverhalo

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    Hey as the others have said it isnt an easy situation. I did notice on your profile that it said you weren't out at all, so then I was wondering does this friend know you are gay? Not that it changes the situation with your friend but I am curious.
    Are you interested in dating or finding someone (obviously not your friend)?
     
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