Not ridiculous at all. I had to do the same thing, and now I know why I could only really get off doggie style. Shame is a huge huge part of what's probably blocking you. Ask yourself this.. if you were in a city where you knew no one, no one would 'find you out' and it was very LGBTQ friendly and a cute guy asked you for a drink at a gay bar would you go? Would you have any problem being gay ? Most of us realize it's fear of what others might think, this fake straight identity we created for ourselves. I realized also that these fantasies weren't just about 'sex' but being intimate with another man. I also could imagine myself smiling, looking into their eyes, telling them they have a nice c*ck... I could never imagine this kind of intimacy with women, I couldn't imagine 'talking dirty'. I realized I had a desire to please another man more than 'getting off' with sex. only you can know but @I'm gay and my experiences were pretty much the same as yours and we did just as much repressing and denial. I was trembling and shaking when I first typed "I might be gay" here and it was a rough ride for a bit but then it started feeling beautiful to accept that I am gay. I don't mean to scare you but also most of us, once we remove a twig from the damn, it pretty much bursts and denial becomes harder and harder -but you know what? Denial also starts to feel very fake. Let us know!