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Can you help me with my sexual identity?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Engdood1, Jun 6, 2021.

  1. clockworkfox

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    One of the good points that's come up here is that it's possible to find someone attractive, even if they're not someone you're truly sexually interested in. We live in a society that pushes a "this or that" agenda - man or woman, gay or straight, religious or atheist, coke or pepsi...on and on it goes. But the reality of life is that it's never black and white. It's a million shades of grey.

    If a period of abstinence is what you feel is best for you, sort of a hard reset, then go for it. But remember that it's ok to explore, even without the explicit stuff. Let yourself reflect. Don't be afraid to play around and challenge some of your thoughts and perceptions. What draws you to your girlfriend? Clearly it's something more than the sex, which you've made clear is pretty lackluster. How about that friend that you mentioned fantasizing about? What would it be like to wake up first and make him breakfast?

    Human sexuality is varied and variable, and even people who firmly align with labels sometimes have exceptions to their rules. That's ok too. I agree with others regarding labels, I'd hold off from adopting one too quickly. Perhaps you are gay - it certainly sounds plausible, likely even - but the healthy thing to do is to feel it out and process it in your own time, never force conclusions while you're exploring.

    As for your past experiences with women...I've had experiences with women. Some of them were fun enough to repeat, but I still strongly prefer men. We respond to stimuli. A hand touches your junk, the blood flows there...your penis isn't concerned with the gender of the hand, it's happy for the attention. What matters isn't the biological response in your pants, but what's going on in your mind. Do you feel connected with your partner, excited for the sex? If not, if you need a heavy dose of independent fantasy to get through, then something isn't right. Fantasizing about being with a man while having sex with your girlfriend might not mean you're definitely gay, but it is definitely an indicator of something, because you aren't allowing yourself to be fully in that moment with her. My mind often wanders during sex (it's the body dysphoria) but when I start putting some mental distance between myself and my partner, I know I'm with the wrong partner, and the best thing to do is to roll the metaphorical dice and try again with someone else. Just some food for thought.
     
  2. Engdood1

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    Thanks for your excellent message. A lot of good points there. Interestingly, in the last few days of not looking at any porn or of a sexual nature I’ve found myself attracted to girls quite often. When I paused to reflect on that, I couldn’t imagine actually wanting to do something in the bedroom with them at all. Kind of odd. Then there’s guys that I hang out with that I’m not thinking anything while we’re together, but when my mind wanders I start to think what it would be like to be with them sexually (and it turns me on). It’s a weird thing. The other thing that stood out to me in your post is that the only thing that has ever really turned me on with a girl is kissing. I tend to lose my arousal during any other activity which is also rather strange. Anyway, thanks for your post. A lot to ponder on.
     
    #22 Engdood1, Jun 12, 2021
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  3. Chip

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    It absolutely IS appropriate here. Here's why.

    The experience you describe (a male having sex with a female, but fantasizing that they are with another male) is actually very, very common for gay men that are in the earlier stages of accepting their sexuality. Now... that said, this does not necessarily mean you are gay, but what it does tell us (combined with the rest of what you've said) is that you aren't straight.

    I don't think you've fetishized the idea of being gay. I think your unconscious is working overtime trying to make sense of this, and it sounds like on a conscious level, you aren't ready to accept the idea that you aren't straight, let alone the possibility you're gay.

    If I were to assess based solely on what you've said, given that you've done the process of imagining you are gay, that aroused you, you fantasize about being with a guy when you're with your wife, and the earlier points I recapped, it's getting harder to make a plausible argument for being straight, and not an easy task to make a good argument for you being bi.

    Again... only you can know what's inside your head, so neither I nor anyone else can tell you what you are.

    For what it's worth, as we process loss (in this case, loss of self-perception as straight), there are stages we go through: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. They aren't always sequential, and can take minutes or months (or longer) to go through. So it does sound like you're sort of in that bargaining place right now. And I'd expect discomfort, unrest, anger if you start to acknowledge what the same sex attraction means... that would be a normal part of the process.

    The best advice I can offer is... try not to stress yourself about it, and don't try to answer the question immediately. Simply sit with it and see where you are with that. I think as you do that, it will begin to become more clear. And keep talking about it... that's the best way to process it.
     
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  4. Engdood1

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    This does ring true to some extent for me. I get extreme post orgasm shame and guilt. I say to myself how ridiculous this all is and I’m not gay. I could be on any one of those stages except acceptance at the moment. I’m still a bit scared about all of this to be honest.
     
  5. pozistani

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    Lots to think about in this thread. I would also suggest a good therapist - not sure how to find the right one, but I'd look for someone who mentions LGBTQI+ in their ads or whatever they create to draw people to their practice. If you see some verbiage, feel free to post and see what the reaction is.

    The key at this point is you don't know and having a skilled person who can help you explore these issues is a great approach. Keep in mind though that it might take some time to build trust and rapport - don't expect definitive answers after only a few meetings.

    Don't get hung up on the labels right now - you can deal with them when you have a better sense of who you are and want to be as a person. Q can also stand for "Questioning" in our community's acronym. It's there for a good reason.

    Will just throw this out there, while fantasizing about men might indicate a sexual or romantic interest (depending on the fantasy, of course), it might also be the eroticism of the forbidden. It's really hard for us, on the other end of our computers, to figure out what's happening in someone else's mind - seems others have said such though maybe not as directly. Ultimately, you'll have to figure out what it means for you.
     
  6. Engdood1

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    Yes, this is what I was suggesting in an earlier post. Maybe because it’s somewhat taboo and would be frowned upon in my family and friend circles it has an extra ability to turn me on? I honestly can’t tell at this point because it’s been going on for a long time now. In terms of my fantasy life, I can’t imagine it ever being straight ever again. Hard to decipher how much that means though.
     
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  7. Engdood1

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    Some more thoughts
    Recently I’ve been thinking about this a lot and going back through my past for ANY hints that I was gay all along. There are a couple but let me know if you think they’re important or not:
    1. Happened to see a scene in Queer As Folk where they were having sex but quickly changed the channel. I did find it exhilarating though and have never forgotten it.
    2. One kid at my school came out as gay. Felt a slight pang of jealousy because I knew I could never do that because of my family/friends.
    3. I had lots of (straight) porn magazines. At the back there were adverts for all kinds of sex related things including a gay phone chat. It had a photo of a muscly guy by the number. For quite a while I chose that as my option to ‘enjoy’.
    4. When the internet came along, whenever I clicked on a gay link it seemed to be a virus or something. Eventually I discovered Literotica with the stories. It’s just pure text, so there’s no real chance of a virus etc. I dived head first into the gay stories immediately.
    Sorry if this is too much. Everyone has already weighed in plenty but is this stuff real ‘evidence’ or am I trying too hard? Thank you.
     
  8. masterofnone

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    id say this is all pretty solid evidence
     
  9. I'm gay

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    Yeah, after reading this whole thread so far, with all the comments and responses from you, this last post hit the most bells for me. Everything you're describing is what I went through oh so many years ago. Masturbating to pictures of men and gay erotica isn't because you're curious or piqued by forbidden fruit. A straight man would have much difficulty, I believe, in successfully masturbating to gay erotica or just pictures. This is because it requires mental fantasy, and your mind has to be willing to go there. When I look back, I can see that my masturbation fantasies were almost exclusively homosexual. Somehow I rationalized that and still saw myself as straight.

    I spent decades of my life with the belief that I wasn't gay. I thought I was a straight guy with a "gay fetish." Denial was very strong with me, and my mind used these rationalizations as a coping mechanism, allowing me to cling to being straight. Once the blinders were off, and I was no longer in denial, it all became so clear what I had done.
     
  10. Engdood1

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    This may hit home hardest for me. I haven’t masturbated to anything other than male erotica or fantasies for about 6 years or so. I figured that it’s not real so maybe it doesn’t mean anything but this says different. I’ve also thought fetish may be the right description. The last couple of years though, as I tried to tone down the porn usage, I’ve found myself looking at photos of men on Instagram. They turn me on as much as anything (Speedo/muscle accounts etc). Maybe just time to accept I’m gay and go for it.
     
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  11. Engdood1

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    This is where I’m at. It’s been a long time and I can no longer get an erection to anything but gay porn or imagery. I’m aware how that sounds but I figured since it’s not real life maybe it’s just a kink. It takes up a lot of my waking thoughts though.
     
  12. masterofnone

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    hard to say it’s just a “kink” if that’s exclusively what you like and a clear preference in my opinion
     
  13. Engdood1

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    Understood. Just with zero ‘real life’ experience (apart from once when very drunk) is where there could be a distinction.
     
  14. masterofnone

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    okay well before i ever had a “real life” experience with a woman i knew i was straight and wanted that and was aroused by that. there are gay virgins, straight virgins. actions≠orientation exactly.
     
  15. Sadness

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    Yeah i can agree with him,ive never had any sexual experience in my life but i know im pretty much straight. Yeah i know i had problems with ocd and all that, but my entire life i spent masturbating to pictures of woman. So i pretty much know i like woman.
     
  16. Chip

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    Very, very few instances of that happening to people who are completely straight. If a guy is imagining themselves having sex with another guy, and that creates arousal, and imagining sex with a woman does not... that's not eroticism of the forbidden. There's a really old saying "When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras" and I think that applies here.[/QUOTE]
     
    #36 Chip, Jun 17, 2021
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2021
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  17. out2019

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    Hi Engood1 - only you can know but your posts reflect my experiences pretty well...


    Yes. For years I used this an excuse to convince myself I wasn't gay. I look at beautiful women. I really convinced myself.. 'damn why can't i get sexually aroused when we take off our clothes". Damn that woman is pretty why can't I get aroused.

    I didn't for years, and combined with looking at women, I convinced myself I was not gay.
    When I finally started to accept myself, I realized a lot of times I quickly averted my eyes when I saw cute guys.... When I finally started to let myself look I started noticing cute, hot guys.

    I remember a seminal moment when I was at the ballet, trying convince myself I found the beautiful women, sexy. There was something 'safe' about looking at a guy in the ballet and when I finally let myself look at one dancer, and I could clearly see his rear and front, my mouth started to get dry and I became very aroused.. denial became harder and harder :slight_smile:

    Yes and if we're in denial we'll use it as an 'excuse'.

    Yes took me a long time to figure this out @Engdood1

    Yes. When I was in denial I did this and i repressed how much I did it. @Engdood1 if you're anything like me you'll look back and realize you were pretty much doing it all the time.

    Sounds very familiar. See my comments about quickly averting eyes -

    Yes, I would always feel jealous but quickly surpressed the feeling. Did you ever get jealous when you were having sex with your girlfriend... I remember once she was giving me a blow job and I realized I wanted to be her..not in the sense of being a female but what she was doing.. I could easily imagine myself doing it and was far more interested in that than receiving one.

    -- I said a lot of 'me toos' on this response because I was in deep deep deep denial about being gay. I hope this helps!
     
  18. out2019

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    I had/have a similar fetish - spandex/tights. I used it an excuse to deny I was gay - it was just a kink/fetish... As I have accepted myself more, the fetish has actually toned down and my fantasies are about naked guys or regularly clothed... I think the fetish was some sort of way for me to accept my sexuality before I actually did. I still like seeing cute guys dressed that way but I don't 'need it' to get aroused or turned on.

    Acceptance after years of denial is hard, but the more I accept myself the better I feel. Have you tried walking to the mirror and saying "I am gay" try it and see how it feels. No harm done if you're not. Many people find it a liberating experience.
     
    #38 out2019, Jun 17, 2021
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  19. Engdood1

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    Firstly, thank you for such a detailed post. It seems like we had many of the same experiences. This will sounds ridiculous but the first time I pretended my girlfriend was a man in bed, I stayed rock hard throughout and I was happy. She even commented. I felt like this would help our sex life. It sounds deluded I know. I’m ashamed to say I have done it ever since which is about 2 years.
    When it comes to oral sex I’ve done the same thing and just pretended it was a man and it helped. I never liked getting them which to most men sounds weird. I must admit though that my fantasies and my one male/male experience involve giving blow jobs.
    Not quite the same but when watching gay sexy scenes on tv, which normally would be no big deal, I have found myself getting aroused even when with my girlfriend.
    There does seem to be a lot of evidence that I’m gay. I think I just have heaps of repression going on or something. I definitely have averted my eyes from men before. Maybe I’ll try noticing them. Maybe I’ll look in the mirror tonight and say I’m gay and see how it feels. Thanks
     
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  20. Engdood1

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    I have not done this. I have done the opposite and yelled at myself in the mirror that I’m not gay! I will try it. Thank you.
     
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