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Came Out to Unsupportive Religious Parent Today

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Harleigh, Apr 30, 2021.

  1. Harleigh

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    I grew up in a very strict Christian denomination, almost cult-like. My parents are still in it. Needless to say, they are homophobic. Fortunately, I haven't lived with them in a decade, and they live about 45 miles away, so it is safe to be out. Honestly, I was possibly more scared to tell them when I became an atheist (although I think they took it a lot better). To me, having to fake being religious and hiding being non-religious felt to me a bit like "being in the closet." I told them last August that I was an atheist. My parents acted like they didn't care, although my mom is still in denial.

    Anyway, my dad texted me something yesterday about dating. That's always been an issue, because he is also a bit racist and would totally want me to marry a christian in his denomination, which I would never do. Not to mention that I am gay now. Anyway, in the middle of this group text conversation with my parents, my mom called me on the phone. I ended up telling her that I was texting a woman on a lesbian dating site. She responded as predicted, although somewhat more composed than I expected. There was crying, saying it's a sin, telling me I just haven't met the right man yet, etc. She was running errands so she had to hand up. That was probably about 8 hours ago.

    My mom tells my dad everything. I never have to tell him anything because my mom always tells him. So I feel pretty sure my mom told him hours ago. He has always been way less reasonable than she is when it comes to religion. I expect him to be very upset. But I haven't heard anything from them. (My dad sometimes gives me the silent treatment when he's mad.) I don't know if that's better or worse than them yelling. Although I don't really feel like I have the emotional energy to deal with it today. I found out this AM that my brother has cancer.

    TLDR: I came out today. It wasn't great, coulda been worse, but the worse might be coming.
     
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  2. Tightrope

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    I am sorry to hear this. It's an awful lot. If you get along with your brother, be there for him, and be there for each other.

    Can you make your communication with them more sparse for a while? It seems toxic and full of guilt trips. Do you have any friends you can hang around with so it would bring you good companionship and an escape from all this drama?
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    I am so sorry to hear about your brother.

    I grew up in an extremist cult and my parents were also not accepting. They also reacted better to my telling them I no longer believed in their "god" than to me telling them that I am LGBT+ (for me I came out to them as a woman). I hope that they do come around to accepting who you really are. Whether they come around to accepting or not I hope that you are able to stand strong in who you are with them.
     
  4. BiGemini87

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    I'm sorry to hear about your brother, and to hear your parents didn't take it so well. I'm glad you have independence from them though; gives you a lot more leeway to do whatever you need to in order to be happy, without them watching your every move.

    I hope your brother overcomes the cancer. <3
     
  5. Lesbee

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    Oh @Harleigh I'm so sorry to hear all of this. Like others here, I'm also sending good healing vibes to your brother, and hope he receives quick & effective treatment.

    As for your parents, I hope they'll come around with some time. Especially with your brother's news, they might come to the perspective that they'd rather have a relationship with you by letting you live your life than push you away by trying to control your actions. Either way, you know you have all of us here by your side. ❤️
     
  6. quebec

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    Harleigh.....I'm so sorry that you have to deal with unaccepting parents and your brother's illness all at the same time. I'm sure that you'd like for your parents to understand and accept the choices that you are making as an adult and not let their beliefs come between them and you. Unfortunately some people do just that. Hopefully you can be a strength for your brother and not let your parents attitude pull you down. We can't change the opinions and attitudes of others, we can only do what is right for ourselves. Time may lead your parents to accept that their daughter is still the little girl that they love and saw grow into a wonderful woman. Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family and we do care! Please keep us updated on how this all works out! :old_smile:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  7. Harleigh

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    It is pretty toxic. I have many times considered cutting off communication with my dad, but this time it seems like he's cut off communication with me. I do have some friends that I can hang out with, although I don't think that I can discuss this sort of thing with them.
     
  8. Harleigh

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    Thanks for the good healing vibes. The news was good-ish. He does have cancer, but it's not bad enough to need treatment at this time. However, he needs to have it rechecked every 6 months to see if it's getting worse.
     
  9. Harleigh

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    Thanks for your support everyone. Here's the 3-week update:

    1) My brother is still waiting on some biopsy results. He has been diagnosed with leukemia. However, the doctor said that the leukemia isn't bad enough to need treatment right now, so he just has to be rechecked every 6 months. So I guess that's good-ish news, for now.

    2) Re: my parents. I have talked to my mom on the phone. She is pretending like the conversation never happened. My dad seems to be giving me the silent treatment. I'm supposed to see them in about a week and a half. I can see this going a few ways. a) My dad hides away and doesn't speak to me. b) He pretends like I never came out. c) He uses the opportunity to ambush and bible-beat me.

    It stings a little that my dad isn't talking to me right now, but I will say that there is a lot less drama.
     
  10. LostInDaydreams

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    I’m glad there is less drama, but it sounds like you have a lot going on and probably a lot on your mind. Take care of yourself and I hope that the visit goes as well as possible. Keep us updated.