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came out, family doesn’t accept. what to do?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Alex69nice, Nov 29, 2021.

  1. Alex69nice

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Sweden
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    a couple of days ago, I came out to my parents as trans. They were angry at me and refused to use my preferred name. I don’t know what to do, do I wait until i’m 18 to change my name or do I ask my psychologist to talk to them? idk i’m open for any suggestions
     
  2. TinyWerewolf

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Rural USA
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm sorry they didn't accept you, that's always rough. I know how hard that is. It sucks. *hugs*

    First consider if you're in any danger or not (abuse, getting kicked out, getting sent to conversion therapy, etc.). If you are then come up with a plan to get the hell out of there. If not, I'd still recommend having a plan in your back pocket. Now my story is a bit of a horror story but it could be worse. I'm not telling you this to scare you- you know your situation best so use your best judgement. I didn't think my family would trap me (I was spiraling into depression, mostly because I got found out) or say the things they have, but they did. I was eighteen when they trapped me. I was forcibly moved out of my college dorm by my family after a severe bout of depression set in and I recieved the worst grades I'd ever recieved. I should've called security, but I didn't want them to be forcibly removed and cause a scene or anyone else to get hurt. I couldn't afford college without them anyway. So I left with them against my will. My car keys were taken and laptop charger too. The next day my phone data was cut off. I made the mistake of sitting my old phone down and it was gone forever in the next ten minutes. I was in the middle of nowhere with no friends within fifteen miles and surrounded by wilderness. I almost took my chances with the wilderness. My friends legitamately thought I had died. My first bit of freedom was a job I took shorly after my twentieth birthday. I often worked late on purpose. Now I keep my head down and try to save all of my money so I can leave this place one day. Do better than I did and make a back up plan- even if you don't use it you'll be prepared and be able to spare yourself a lot of pain if you do use it.

    Look into LGBTQIA+ youth centers and resources that are in your area. There are places even on the internet that will help you explain being trans to your parents. And give them time, this is probably a shock to them. If they ask questions try to answer them honestly if you can. Hang in there, we're all here for you on EC.
     
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  3. chicodeoro

    Full Member

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    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi Alex, I'm sorry it didn't go to plan. BUT before you do anything rash I would take a few steps back and consider a few things.

    First of all remember that this is probably a huge shock for your parents. Unless you have dropped a few hints beforehand this has hit them like a tonne of bricks and their instinct is to lash out at you. It may well be that expecting them to use your new name is a bridge too far at the moment. Myself, I have thus far adopted a three step approach to coming out: first the announcement of being trans, then presenting as female and then (if they ask) my name. That way, you're easing your friends and family into this and hopefully avoiding stress for all concerned.

    What I would do moving forward to is write them a letter where you explain how you feel and for how long you've been feeling like this. They're probably half thinking that this is a 'phase', half frightened that it isn't and that they're 'losing' you. Explaining it all in a letter where you can allay their fears and calmly write from the heart about yourself and your life allows space for both parties to avoid arguments.

    The other thing is that TinyWerewolf is right - you need an LGTBQ+ support structure around you. Start building that up now so if your parents are still unsupportive then it's not the end of the world.

    Good luck!

    Beth
     
  4. Rayland

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I agree, that you should wait until you are financially independent, have a place to stay and are safe. It would be great, if there are any LGBTQIA+ centers around you too, where they could help you out, if you need to move or other support. It's a tough world out there and you need to have a plan set.

    I'm always thinking ahead of the time, before doing anything:

    1. Do I have enough money, for at least to be able to afford to rent an apartment (maybe at least 3-4 months rent);
    2. What will I do about work to be able to afford stuff;
    3. Is there anyone who would support me, even if it's just about talking to them and not be completely alone; It could be a lgbtqia+ center;
    4. Try saving up as much as you can, whenever you are able to work, maybe during summer time or part time;

    Sending hugs. Hope things get better.
     
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