1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Bisexual, dad of two just came out to my wife. What's next?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by thespian07, Oct 7, 2020.

  1. thespian07

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2020
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hello everyone,

    I am afraid that most of my issues stem from the fact that growing up I could not accept, understand, feel proud and be open with others about being bisexual/gay. After all these years I have come to understand and accept the fact that I just happen to be a man that likes men more than women which has brought me some sort of peace with myself. Having lived all my adult life as a straight man and now being married with two wonderful kids made it even harder to admit it now. Recently I somehow found the courage to come out to my wife and I am still trying to figure out where to go from here. This is my story:

    I first knew I was into men as early as 13-14 years old but at that age it just did not make sense and I would try to suppress these thoughts. Growing up in the 80’s in a conservative family and society seems like my fate was pre-determined. I didn't know anyone gay, bisexual sounded more like a freak, and information to educate myself and others was not available. Turns out that I was also attracted to women, not as strongly for sure, but this was enough to get me going in life. Most of my adult life I have been in heterosexual relationships, overall pretty happy but always incomplete and feeling ashamed for hiding my identity. I met my wife in my late 20's and we got married 2 years later. Was I madly in love with her? No, but I was ok with how much I felt and I had no doubts that I was also attracted to her sexually. I knew from really early on in my life that I wanted to become a dad and having 2 kids who I adore has contributed a lot to my happiness but also made me stay in the marriage for longer than I would otherwise. Our marriage was loving and things went smooth for the first 7-8 years. However, soon after we had our second child things starting to take a turn for the worse at least from my standpoint. My wife and I became less intimate, there was more arguing and countless instances where I felt unvalued, disrespected and used. The distance between us grew bigger and bigger and two years ago I told her that I was no longer in love with her. This summer things reached a down point and I admitted that I was considering separation and perhaps a divorce. She tried to make it work really hard but I was just not willing to put in the effort. Seeing her miserable and not able to understand why I would not even want to try I came out to her a couple of days ago. She is still in shock and despair as she realized that my attraction to men is not something that can be changed. We are trying to figure out how to move forward and at this point a separation seems inevitable. There is still love and respect for each other which gives me some sort of comfort during these hard times. How/when are we going to do it? What to tell the kids, family and friends? I have no idea....

    Thank you all.
     
    itsuka, Purple Yoda, SGee and 3 others like this.
  2. Tartanskrt

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2019
    Messages:
    91
    Likes Received:
    62
    Location:
    Uk
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi and welcome. In don't necessarily have any brilliant advice as I'm still trying to come out to my husband but I relate to your circumstances. I too have two kids and the sex all but stopped after baby no 2, because he was I'll but also because I was becoming more aware of my own sexuality.
    I guess the first thing I'd say is that she will need some time to process all this as you've known for most of your life and she's known for a few days. It's a lot to process but as you still respect each other you can be there to listen and plan your next steps together. All of this is a process and it will take time but huge congratulations on being brave and taking that step.
     
    Chip, MarkinThai and thespian07 like this.
  3. DecentOne

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2017
    Messages:
    856
    Likes Received:
    482
    Location:
    East Coast US
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC thespian07,
    I agree with Tartanskrt and congratulate you on being honest and brave with your wife.
    I’m in a different situation, as I came out to myself and my wife in 2018, so we’ve had just about as much time as each other processes this. Also I want to stay married, and my kids (who are adults) mostly wanted to know my wife and I were staying together and had no problem with me identifying as bisexual (younger generations seem to have fewer issues with this).
    But do expect an emotional roller coaster can occur. Maybe brief, maybe ongoing. Most straight spouses I see posting online appreciate their lgbtq spouse’s honesty. You’ve avoided a bit of a tangle by being honest.
     
    SGee and thespian07 like this.
  4. thespian07

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2020
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you for your kind words. Things are still fluid, we are discussing a lot and try to support each other as much as possible. It is indeed an emotional roller coaster and I just hope that we'll both come out of it strong and with as few scars as possible. Coming out is not easy, it's not a one conversation thing and it is going to take time for both of us to accept and adjust to the new reality. The same will be true for everyone else, including the kids and families but I want to believe that I am on a path to a more honest and fulfilling life. I'll leave you all with her first words right after I came out "I am not crying because I am mad at you or sorry for myself, I am crying because of all the things that you had to go through and did not allow you to be yourself and live the life that you wanted".
     
    SGee and BiGemini87 like this.
  5. SevnButton

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2018
    Messages:
    1,184
    Likes Received:
    970
    Location:
    Southern California Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi @thespian07 -
    Whatever I write comes through the filters of my own circumstances. You have to decide whether any of what I write is useful.

    My first suggestion to you would be to look inward to know what it is that you really want, and what are your values. Could you stay in your marriage and with your family and somehow express the truth of who you are? Is it more important to you to be intimate with a guy than to put all of your focus toward your family? Can you express who you really are without actually being intimate with someone else? Those are the questions that come through my filters.

    My big mistake was thinking of coming out to my wife as a completion, when in fact it was a beginning. Once the genie is out of the bottle, it's important not to pretend it isn't. It's important to have the courage, patience, and good judgement to keep the conversation going. You've had a long, long time to contemplate what it means to be attracted to both men and women, it sounds like this is new for your wife. Keep talking, and keep in mind that you've yanked your wife into a whirlwind. Maybe she can work with you on this reality, maybe she can't.

    There really were not resources for you and me during the time decades ago when we were feeling that part of ourselves that didn't fit into the nice, neat heterosexual norm. Now there are many. Make use of them, but watch your own moral compass so that you stay true to yourself.

    Most of all, good luck, and know that you're not alone.
     
    SGee, Bastion, MarkinThai and 5 others like this.
  6. Boatman

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2015
    Messages:
    118
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Hi. I’m really bad at giving advice, do I won’t try. A lot of what you say resonates with my own experience. I just wanted to echo that you are not alone...
     
    SGee, Drent and musiclvr5 like this.
  7. BiGemini87

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    1,485
    Likes Received:
    1,318
    Location:
    Pembroke, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC, thespian07. :slight_smile:

    I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I think this is why it's so important that we reach a point where LGBT+ people not only feel safe, but are 100% safe in accepting themselves and coming out without shame. So many of us here (in this particular forum) wound up repressing our thoughts and feelings, leading to these complications. If we'd felt safe and accepted by family and friends from the onset, things likely would have been different.

    I have great empathy for both you and your wife in this, but I'm also so glad she said that to you; it sounds like she really, really cares about you, and regardless of what happens to your relationship, it seems she wants you to be happy and feel comfortable being 100% you. However things pan out, I hope you both will manage to remain amicable and pursue your individual happiness.
     
    SGee, dirtyshirt84 and Bastion like this.
  8. thespian07

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2020
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    What a week this has been... My wife has already gone through several phases anger, denial, grief, disbelief and despair which seem to come and go in no particular order. I myself was a wreck the first couple of days. Seeing her suffering and both of us being uncertain about the future has been the hardest. Hadn't planned to do this on the National coming out day but today I also came out to my mom. Needless to say that she was shocked as well. She didn't say much, nothing at all would be more accurate to be honest. Countless times I have wondered whether I am just weak as a person and a coward or it was the society's oppression and judgment that stopped me from coming out when I was younger. Could be both, but after today when my own mother could not give me the slightest support I am certain that it wasn't just me. And as weird as this may sound that is comforting.
    At this point one thing that I can not allow myself is to make the same mistakes again. I feel my wife's and mom's despair and hope that we can reconcile but for once in my life I need to put myself first. This may sound selfish, especially since there are also young kids involved, but I will never forgive myself if I back up now. "Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced".

    Thank you all for your support.
     
    itsuka, SGee, bluehorizon and 2 others like this.
  9. Fritzcoop

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2019
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    83
    Location:
    Pensacola, FL
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Last October I was where you are now. I sat on the couch, we talked, she was devastated. We told each other that we could work together. But monthly our behavior toward each other got worse. Leaving slowly was way too painful for her. I should have left the first day.
     
    SGee and Bastion like this.
  10. MarkinThai

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2020
    Messages:
    41
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Thailand
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    "....her first words right after I came out "I am not crying because I am mad at you or sorry for myself, I am crying because of all the things that you had to go through and did not allow you to be yourself and live the life that you wanted".

    Judging from that amazing quote, it would seem you're wife is not the worst person to be going through this with. That suggests a remarkable degree of enlightenment and empathy on her side. Encouraging, anyway...though that's not at all to say it hasn't been and won't continue to be a rough road for both/all of you. Thanks for sharing. I'm way behind you but maybe someday will have a similar tale to tell. Will follow yours with interest and best wishes.
     
    Bastion likes this.
  11. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    1,465
    Likes Received:
    2,321
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thespian07, congrats on these tough but important steps in your journey. The attitude of putting yourself first is important as well. It is your life after all. Being unhappy and unfulfilled for a lifetime is just terrible for everyone. In many situations going your own ways is the one solution. It allows the both of you to find people that can give you the emotional and physical support you need to live happy lives. While sad and painful separation is sometimes the best medicine. Keep moving forward it’s only way to go now!
     
  12. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    338
    Likes Received:
    221
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi, not very good at giving advice. But am in a similar situation. Way behind though. Still thinking and working on it. I know the situation and it’s not easy at all. Hope the best outcome for you and your family.
     
    SGee likes this.
  13. Drent

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2020
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    South Africa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi.
    I stayed in the closet for 32 years. I always thought about my son's (3). I have to admit it was not easy. Three years ago I came out as bi/gay to my wife.
    We have a better relationship emotionally and sexually than before my coming out.
    Maybe I should have done it earlier...but we are both fine and yes I still love her...and she is my best friend.
    We hope that I will find a FWB someday...but in the interim we are living our lifes...no use to stop. Everyday is precious.
    I know it is not easy ... now looking back it was very hard.. sometimes unbearable
    I am glad I'm out to her...and glad that my son's grew up in stability.
    They were my first concern.
     
    SGee likes this.
  14. old tacoma

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2020
    Messages:
    267
    Likes Received:
    190
    Location:
    Hawaii
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    @thespian07 — I missed your thread earlier when I first signed on to EC. Your initial post I could have written myself, but with the only difference being I have not yet come out to my wife. I am still wrestling with it, and what I fear will be the outcome. I know in my heart that I should, in fact, I should have done it long ago, yet I wonder now what good it will do. Everyone I know sees me as a very supportive husband, good father, reliable friend. I keep dwelling on the heartache and consternation I anticipate will result if I come out. The only person who I am fully out to is the friend who I have mentioned in my posts here on EC, the one man I can honestly say I love. And now, thanks to what I am learning here on EC, I understand that the poor guy has probably kept his distance from me emotionally because of my own unsettled conflicts. It is my damn sense of duty and responsibility that are holding me back. So I seem stuck in a double life. And I truly don’t want this anymore. Am I being selfish for wanting to finally be an authentic me? One part of me screams, “YES! THAT’S SELFISH. SHUT UP AND KNOW YOUR PLACE.” But the other part quietly just knows who I am inside, and continues to have hope for a future.
     
    Bastion and SGee like this.
  15. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    338
    Likes Received:
    221
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Yes. This is the big dilemma. @old tacoma as well as others have written about it. Expressed their thoughts on the same issues. But it is still an issue to do with sexual expression or romantic expression or both and it’s judgments or the fallout when you are in a particular situation or circumstance and it’s very difficult to change or choose a different path when so much time has passed and you have already built your whole life a certain way.
     
    SGee and old tacoma like this.
  16. thespian07

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2020
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi everyone,
    For what it's worth I thought I'd give you a quick update on my life. Ex-wife and I decided to get a divorce and I moved out of our place a year and a half ago. The divorce seems to have had very little impact on our kids with whom I continue to be very close. I still haven't come out to them but I feel that this may happen soon. I have been extremely lucky to start a relationship with a man who is loving, understanding and supportive and I feel that I'm on a path to live a more fulfilling and meaningful life. Here is my two cents on the topic of coming out: Coming out is not easy. By coming out we may hurt people that we love, loose friends, face discrimination and isolation. However, it can be liberating, give you hope but also help you make peace with yourself. It is never too late to come out and at least for me it came to a point that it was the only "option".
    Take care everyone and be strong.
     
    Bludzee likes this.
  17. tommyj

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2013
    Messages:
    206
    Likes Received:
    30
    Location:
    Wales, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hello,

    My story is almost exactly like you. Although, I'm just at the brink of being able to tell her so we both can be happy and free. I've waited so many years of hiding who I am and feel like I have been living a lie. I want to come out, I really do but I just don't know how.
     
  18. Purple Yoda

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2022
    Messages:
    56
    Likes Received:
    31
    Location:
    New York, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    My situation is somewhat similar. Painful to read, but comforting to know that "I'm not alone" in this scenario.
     
  19. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    338
    Likes Received:
    221
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks for the update. Good to know you have found happiness in a new relationship. It’s not easy, separation, divorce and the kids. I guess you both agreed to end things amicably and move on.
     
  20. Jakebusman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2015
    Messages:
    1,978
    Likes Received:
    529
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Coming out to my wife was the hardest