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biromantic lesbian?????

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by jen4rd, Apr 29, 2019.

  1. jen4rd

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    I don’t appreciate the fact that I had a lot of important things to say in that post besides my own research that I did. I’m not happy with the fact that you are more concerned about people reading this than he actual person asking a question. I am done with this post. I have my answer. Good day.
     
  2. Nickw

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    @Chip

    Since this thread has already taken a step towards education. I don't question that romantic and sexual attraction originate from the same area of the brain. And, I believe that if one is attracted to the same gender sexually they are CAPABLE of being attracted romantically.

    My question is this. I have been sexually attracted to both men and women I have no desire to be romantic with. And, I once had a girlfriend that I was not sexually attracted to but emotionally attached. So, I wonder if sometimes the confusion for some of us is because of relationship experiences? It is confusing that if romance and sexual desire are so closely linked how this could happen? Shoudn't the lack of emotional attachment shut down the sexual desire? I'm not arguing here.
     
  3. Mihael

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    I have a theory that romantic attraction without sexual or with sexual appearing only sometimes or later arises from low key sexual attraction that is there but is not very obvious. Or maybe it is something more complex, a mix of sexuality and more platonic feelings.

    Idk. I see the divide in myself, between the sexual and the romantic, but rather I kept on wondering lately about a fraction people demanding from a lover some romantic attraction that I just don't feel. I can offer close friendship and desire but not wild enthusiasm or anything lovey-dovey. Not any more. Wild enthusiasm belongs to the teenage years for me and faded with reaching 20s. Being tender is just not my personality too.

    On the other hand, obsessing over someone and sexual desire happen to be somewhat split for me as well. There are people who I'm weakly attracted to sexually, but fall for them, and people I find very attractive but I plain hate. And there are people for whom all this is consistent.
     
  4. Mihael

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    What did you write besides the sexual vs romantic orientation thing? There are many people here who want to help you. But yeah, there is a disagreement about the topic of sexual and romantic feelings. The thing is, the so called romantic feelings are a complex phenomenon with many components and it can mean different things depending on the person speaking and context. It's an inaccurate concept but understood in common sense. Imprecisely. Please don't feel like it is anything against you.
     
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  5. Butterfly6

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    Labels aside, if you are happy in your relationship then that's all that really matters. The major problem that could and probably will happen is the mismatched sexual appetites, what will happen when he wants to have sex and you do (with the gender you are attracted to?). I believe you when you say that you love your boyfriend and do believe there is a difference between sexual and romantic feelings.

    For me romantic feelings would be in the sorts of doing relationship stuff with someone and doesn't necessarily need to include sex. Doesn't necessarily have to include "marriage" either but a life with them, you want to be more emotionally close to them than you would of a friend. Maybe you think of them constantly, you want to be with them all the time...like puppy love.
     
  6. emma1200

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    if bi feels right u don’t have to further label yourself after that. I have physical/sexual attraction to both men and women but have yet to encounter any romantic attraction to men while I have definitely had romantic attraction towards women. I still just label myself as bi though bc id hook up with a guy but not date him and on the other hand i’d hook up and date girls.
     
  7. Lorianne

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  8. Lorianne

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    From my personal experience, I agree that romantic and sexual feelings are separate but frequently can overlap. It is certainly obvious that sexual feelings exist without romantic feelings as shown by the many people that have sexual interactions with people without any romantic/loving feelings involved (ex. random hookups , group sex with strangers, some friends with benefits). Why cannot it be the same in reverse?
    My mother was married to my stepfather for 38 years until she passed recently. They always had a very active sex life up until she was too weak from cancer to be able to except for a period of 4-5 years when her hormones were messed up after menopause and she had “zero desire” but still had sex because she loved him as her husband/person/romantic partner (Yeah, she was very open about her sex life). She wouldn’t say that she only felt friendship for him during those few years. I think on average men and women have traditionally felt different about this, partially due to testosterone and socialization differences.
    I had a boyfriend before I hit puberty and kissed him romantically (on the lips for extended time). My fantasies as a young teenager and young women were about kissing and cuddling and being in a relationship, not focused on actual sex at all. I am now in a committed relationship with a women (first time) who is more “masculine” than my ex-husband who was not feminine but definitely more sensitive and emotionally aware. I do desire her sexually more than I did my ex-husband even though our sex is infrequent due to stressors in our lives (many deaths/losses over the past few years). I avoid communication with my ex because I still have attached/romantic feelings for him even though I have no desire to have sex with him. I think romantic feelings are about primary attachments outside of our family of origin.
    As for labeling myself, I currently think of myself as bisexual even though I really have no desire for a sexual relationship with a man again. However, I am not romantically attracted to feminine women. I can feel sexual desire for female body parts but am only really attracted to masculine women and as for getting that “wow” feeling/longing and desire to pursue someone if I was single, it only happens with masculine women or some men. It is very confusing and I cannot be sure that if I was raised in a world where if we were all free to choose and I was not socialized straight that I or most everyone for that matter would be open to both/all genders (we might would be just like bonobo monkeys, lol). I like and am attracted to masculinity but not the “toxic” parts. I was thinking maybe I am bisexual but heteroromantic (in the sense of not being attracted to really feminine personalities). I realize that this could change over time and most likely has a lot to do with socialization. I also realize that some of the suppression of my sexual desires are probably totally due to socialization as a women growing up in Texas and Southern Baptist. But as a therapist in the field of mental health, I think our primary attachments are just as important as our sexuality.
    Romantic feelings would probably come under a softer science than sexual feelings and I agree it would be hard to quantify them. Even sexual desires are affected by our experiences as seen with paraphilias/fetishes. Some people are more able to separate romantic/sexual feelings than others.
    I’m not trying to claim scientific knowledge about the subject, just sharing my experiences and thoughts in case they might help others.
     
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  9. Chip

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    This is a big part of the issue. There are an awful lot of people that have real difficulty with vulnerability, and vulnerability is crucial to feeling deep, emotionally intimate connection with another person. So someone with inability to access vulnerability might find it difficult to feel emotional connection at all This is where the misguided idea of 'aromantic' comes from; it is a byproduct of shame, and has nothing to do with hardwired orientation. Likewise, someone who has internalized homophobia that is below consciousness is likely to repress the vulnerabilty necessary to feel emotional connection for someone of the same sex, and thus, they might have sex with a same-sex partner but deny 'romantic' attraction, when what is really going on is a lack of capacity to feel vulnerability for that same sex person.

    Interestingly, it appears that a significant majority of people on EC who claim a separation between romantic and sexual orientation are also people who are either having issues with self-acceptance of their homosexual orientation, or newly out, or both. Thus, this information would tend to confirm the idea that so-called romantic orientation is, in fact, a function of abilty to feel connection rather than any sort of separated orientation.
     
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  10. Chip

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    I believe the short answer is yes, it is likely a byproduct of relationship experiences and/or early childhood and family issues that impact emotional availability as i described above And I also believe that this is a part of the bigger issue of vulnerability that I described in the above response.

    However, someone who is emotionally unavailable can still have a pretty strong sex drive. (think the majority of people who regularly use hookup apps, or people who simply can't 'open up' emotionally to others.) And thus the confusion people create in their minds... which somebody, somewhere in the last five years or so, pulled out of their ass this idea that there were separate romantic and sexual orientations, when there's nothing whatsoever to actually support the idea, and it simply took off, in much the same way that fake news that sounds plausible can go viral quickly and a lot of people will believe it.

    And as I said above, that is one of the reasons we (the ECCS staff and board) believe it is so important to ensure that accurate information is conveyed to those reading, to try and stem the flow of false information.
     
    #50 Chip, May 24, 2019
    Last edited: May 24, 2019