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Bi,or gay?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Slayman71, Oct 5, 2021.

  1. Slayman71

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    I have thought of myself as bisexual most of my life. For the past few years I have gradually stopped having sex with my wife, fantasizing about women, or getting erections by them. When I watch porn it is gay porn. I am attracted to only men. Why was I attracted to women, and now I'm not? Am I gay?
     
  2. BiGemini87

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    It's difficult to say for certain. On one hand, if you repressed your same-sex attraction for a long time, it can create a sort of backlog, in which the attraction you ignored becomes all-consuming. This can last for a while (in my experience), but if you're bi, it should even out again. On the other hand, as you've considered yourself bi for a long time, perhaps what you experienced was heteronormativity before, in which case you could be gay.

    Sometimes, even the subconscious wants to soften the blow; especially if coming to terms with being entirely same-sex attracted isn't ideal at a specific time in your life (i.e. if you're already dealing with other difficulties).

    I think all you can do is give yourself time, and above all, be patient/gentle with yourself.
     
  3. Lemony

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    Sometimes bi people can fee fluid( I do) and feel way more into one gender than the other and then eventually it gets back to how it felt before. It is possible you are gay and being bi was your time to figure out what your orientation is and now bi doesn't fit. Maybe it never really did. It is only you who says what your orientation is. We are to help and guide you to what that may be.
     
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  4. Nickw

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    Hey @Slayman71

    As the others have written, only you can figure out for yourself your sexuality.

    As someone who is bisexual and married I can relate my experiences. My wife went through menopause at a relatively young age and that killed her sex drive...completely. As a bisexual, I was still attracted to her but found myself sexually frustrated. It was easier to fantasize about men because it felt like a betrayal to fantasize about other women. I figured nothing would come of that. Pretty soon I became obsessed with exploring my same sex desires. Instead of cheating on my wife I came out to her and she was fine with it. In fact, I now have a male FWB who my wife adores. My wife and I continue to be intimate but not a lot of sex. She's fine with that and I guess it works.

    We all are a bit different. Have you discussed this lack of intimacy with your wife? Have you explored ways to increase your intimacy and build desire in your relationship? Does she know about your same sex desires? Have you ever been with another man intimately? My wife and I were able to build back some intimacy even with her lack of sex drive and that does generate my desires for women in general. So, it is quite possible your lack of desire for women is based on your relationship with your wife and not women in general. It is also possible that you are gay and suppressed it.

    I would suggest getting some counseling. I would also suggest engaging your wife in increasing intimacy with her.
     
    #4 Nickw, Oct 5, 2021
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2021
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  5. Aringo Bell

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    You are the lucky one guy. I once found myself in the very similar situation - but without menopause- and my (now ex) wife was having none of it. I did not want to leave her but eventually she came forward and broke up , without realizing completely what was going on with me at the time
     
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