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Being the trans partner

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by redstatic, Feb 6, 2023.

  1. redstatic

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    Hi. I'm ftm, pre t. I've been in with my girlfriend for, let's say 3ish years because we have a complicated history. I came out to her while we were together, and basically told her that I'm still exploring myself and that I wasn't entirely sure I was trans, but as time went on I've grown more and more sure of my identity as a man. She's always been supportive, but lately we've had some issues regarding our sex life, we had a very emotional talk and basically she told me that she's confused about what to feel regarding my body, and feels like me being trans has sort of taken over some aspects of her life. I ended up feeling lonely, abandoned, and as if all of my fears have finally become reality. It pretty much fueled my fear that I'm an unlovable freak. But since I had this relationship, I felt safe. And now I'm.. confused.

    I'm not entirely sure how to react. I feel like my safe space has withered. And what hurts the most is that the issue isn't with a personality trait of mine or anything that I could control, it's with my gender identity. And with this stupid curse of being trans that I need to live with, for some reason.

    We didn't break up.. i never felt like that would be a deal-breaker, and for now it doesn't seem to be. I don't want to break up with her, because i think it's something we can work thorough. I think the biggest issue is that.. it's something that has been bothering her and affecting our relationship for a while, but she hadn't communicated it to me (which is understandable, considering i had close to a breakdown when we talked about it. I would've been scared and maybe even felt guilty for feeling like that in her place), and i spent months wondering what was wrong and now it's like a rug has been pulled from underneath me. I'm not even sure how to approach this conversation, what should I ask? What would the resolution be?

    And on top of that, another thing has come up in my head. She's been incredibly supportive, but after that talk, and specifically something she said, I'm having second thoughts if she'll stay with me once I start my medical transition.

    I'm frightened. I feel alone. I'm already scared that I'll lose my family, I don't want to lose my girlfriend too. I hate that I'm burdened with this existence.
     
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  2. Incoming

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    As LGBT+ people, we've all been here. And we come back to it again and again, when life feels like more than we can take.

    But then we move on. We don't let being trans (etc) control us - we control IT... does that make sense ?

    This is the part of you who's strong - who has dreams and is ready to fight for them. Don't let go of that. But ...

    Be grateful for your girlfriend's gifts, take comfort in your relationship, celebrate the 3 years you've enjoyed and hope for many more to come.

    But here's what you cannot do - you cannot make any other person the foundation of your pride and well being. Not even your girlfriend.

    Which means you have to * stop * thinking of her as your safe space - for the sake of your own mental health and personal growth.

    There's more I could say, but at this point we come to the question of surviving as a human being in a harsh world. No one is indestructible, but LGBT+s come out tougher than most, because we learn very early on that we have to be our own foundation, and our own safe space.

    Dude, you got this.
     
    #2 Incoming, Feb 6, 2023
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2023
  3. redstatic

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    I understand and agree with this. I need to be my biggest supporter. But I'm not sure how to do that in a healthy way. I have a tendency to bottle up feelings and feel like I'm completely alone in this world, not relying on anyone. I don't know how to ask someone for support while still having me as my foundation.

    This is particularly tough, because it took great strides to reach a point where I felt like I could trust her, and that I could actually let myself be vulnerable around her. Again, I go between extremes, complete hermit or overly emotionally dependant. And I know how bad I get when I self isolate, and since I don't know how to find the healthy balance, this feels like the best option. How do I become my own foundation without completely compromising my mental health?
     
  4. chicodeoro

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    By being strong, armed with the knowledge that you've made it this far - as a trans man in a transphobic world.

    This is very good advice. The love that you have between you may well, could well change. As it does with so many couples - gay, bi or straight - as the years go by. All you can do is act with love, kindness and compassion to her now, and see where that leads you both.

    Good luck!

    Beth x
     
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  5. resu

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    Try thinking from your girlfriend's perspective. She is from what I understand a cisgender lesbian, so maybe she is only attracted to women. As much as she can love you, if she doesn't have any attraction to men, that is going to slowly be lost as you make your medical transition. Remember, this is not your only chance at love, and it's not your girlfriend's only chance either. She can still give you support even if not romantically involved. It's no one's fault, just like the countless LGBT people who went into straight relationships because that's what society expected of them. Now, we do have more choices, and we also have more ways to find people who are also compatible with our choices.
     
  6. redstatic

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    She's cis, yes, but she's actually bisexual. I wouldn't have felt comfortable dating a lesbian, as a man.

    We had a talk after that whole ordeal, after some time had passed, and we cleared some things up. Most of the things I took so personally were very poorly worded in a moment of vulnerability.

    This translated as 'I'm very scared I'll trigger your dysphoria, because it differs on different days.'

    And this as 'I get mad on your behalf because the world doesn't treat you right, and that you were dealt a horrible hand, and it's not fair that this is your life. I shouldn't do it, I've gotten better at it, but it was very difficult not to let it get to me at first.'

    She'd been holding this bottled up, because she didn't want to add on to the stress, but unfortunately we still got there.

    I also asked her what she thought she'd feel if I started T right then, regardless of the support, and she said she'd definitely need time to get used to it, mainly because I'd be changing in front of her. It would be weird, unusual, but hopefully she'd be able to manage it (so long as I shave daily once and if I start getting facial hair).

    I'd say we did a good job at managing that conflict, which genuinely felt catastrophic.

    Things aren't that great between as right now, because of different reasons (I'm yet to find out the reasons tbh), but at least we managed to get through that so hopefully... we'll be fine.