Been questioning my sexuality, 1st cousin is gay. Wondering if the 2 are linked...?

Ok this topic has 2 purposes. The first is to express my confusion over my sexual orientation and get opinions. The second is to note my cousin is gay and I was wondering if that should impact my opinions and conclusions on my sexuality. The first part is a long in depth bit about my sexual orientation and why I am confused. Being that it is so long and I dont expect everyone to read it, all you need to know for part 2 is I think I might be gay but I am really confused and looking for clues. SO I will mark part 1 off so you can skip it if you want to get to the main purpose of this topic. Ill get on that later.


PART 1----------------------------------------------------------------------------
But Ok to explain my sexuality in short. Im a 22 year old male. Ever since I was little i have had powerful romantic feelings for girls. I have also had a lot of physical attraction to them. I find a lot of them to be pretty and hot. I enjoy looking at them. And then with guys. I only find a small percent to be cute or hot even if they are attractive. The thought of being with most guys gross me out.

But then puberty hit and I ignored an awful truth all the way up to now. I am only sexually turned on by guys for the most part. I only get hard (without touch) at the thought of having sex with guys more specifically from the bottom role. Most of my fantasies are with guys and I get an amazing release thinking of these fantasies. It just feels so right. For years I told myself I was straight and sex didnt matter. I mean the thought of being with most guys grossed me out right? Ive never loved a guy nor could I see myself ever loving a guy. Ive always been interested in girls and wanted them. With that being said over the years Ive tried to fantasize about having sex with women. And there were periods of time that I felt like I could or even enjoy it. But they have fluctuated. And if I am to stop the denial and be completely honest with myself. While I can get off to the idea of having sex with a woman, when I do fantasize about it, it always feels "forced" and not as fulfilling. Now I dont find sex with a girl to be gross other then a slight distaste for vagina. And I have every desire to kiss, hug, make out, or even grope a girl. But I cant get hard thinking of women without physical stimulation for the life of me. i might get like a quarter erection through visual stimulation but thats about it. And the majority of my "straight" fantasies have been doing anal or sex with shemales, no vaginal. Again to be perfectly honest with myself while I like the female body, I do not care for vagina at all. Sometimes Ill have a mild curiosity for it but thats it. Its really confusing. On the other hand I have no problem with penis and love it.

So yeah I would just settle by identifying myself as gay or bi; but the problem is in the same way women can never be sexually fulfilling to me the same way men can, I feel like men can never be romantically appealing to me the same way women can. I dont view these feelings as "brainwashing from being cultured this way by society" Instead these feel like my natural built in feelings about women. I feel like I would be a lot happier in a long term relationship with a girl then a guy. If only I could just ignore the sexual part. Which I could be content with only having sex with a girl if i loved her. I just dont know if i could consistently "perform" for her and show enough interest in her where she wouldnt get suspicious or feel something is wrong. And I feel like I would be a lot more fulfilled in a sexual relationship with a guy if only I could ever bring myself to care about him or actually find a guy who doesnt gross me out that im legitmately attracted to (I only find like 1% of the male population attractive, and 2% so-so average as opposed to me finding the majority of girls attractive). But anyways I just cant get rid of these feelings for women nor can I get rid of these sexual urges for guys. I also cant get sexually fulfilled by women just like i cant make myself feel physically/emotionally attracted to a majority of men.

To make things even more confusing, Ive noticed as of late, that physical attraction for women i spoke of early has been waning as in lessening. Even stuff I used to love like breast just dont seem as big of a deal as they used to. I cant describe it. But even as my attraction for girls goes down, my attraction for guys will NOT go up to compensate... Crazy stuff.

So I've come up with the following ideas of what my sexuality is, I could be:

1. An emotionally confused-brainwashed Gay in Denial
2. Hetero-romantic homosexual
3. Hetero-romantic bisexual (with a strong leaning towards guys on the sexual part)
4. Bi-Romantic (with a strong leaning towards girls) Bisexual (with a strong leaning towards guys)
5. A sexually confused Straight Guy.
END OF PART 1--------------------------------------------------------------------


So anyway I would like to say. I have lesbian cousin. She is my 1st cousin on my Mom's side of the family. We are only 2 months apart in age and our mothers were pregnant at the same time with the each of us. And if there is any genetic or environment factors at play here, I wonder if my cousin's homosexuality can be used as a clue towards my sexuality in figuring out what it is. Because it might indicate that I am gay as its in my genes or there might be environmental factors at play here.

 

Re: Been questioning my sexuality, 1st cousin is gay. Wondering if the 2 are linked..

Holy crap I totally relate to you on the asexual bit and "calling it a day" in my mind from all the pressure. If I drive myself to crazy about it, I get the point and say screw it; I just wont go for any gender and be single the rest of my life. Be so much easier. But then I calm down, take a mental break from it; start getting really horny and think of guys or notice a really hot girl that I feel drawn to; then it builds back up to the boiling point and rinse and repeat lol. But anyways, I read your post and I appreciate the input. I relate to you a lot. But you know if i do get it figured out, my cousin will probably be the first person I talk about it as you suggested. I just want to be sure before I act on anything or tell anyone you know? What a horrible feeling it would be if I started telling people I was gay and went through all that emotional trouble only to find out later that Im straight or at the very least bisexual and end up with a girl.

 

Re: Been questioning my sexuality, 1st cousin is gay. Wondering if the 2 are linked..

Well the thing is if I tell ppl that "I'm questioning" or "I might be bisexual", Im afraid they will just override this as a "phase" im going through or assertly tell me Im really straight but confused. My point is I think they will belittle my feelings and not take me seriously since Im not sure myself, thus it wont accomplish anything but instead be detrimental; especially if I do somehow realize Im straight later (which is unlikely).

But I probably should talk to my cousin. Most of my family aren't approving of gays and are very religious and fundamentalists. Luckily though for my cousin, my mothers side of the family (the side she is on) have really impressed me by being kind and tolerant still maintaining a loving relationship with my cousin. He GF even comes to the family events and everyone treats her well likes her. But my grandparents and a lot of other members of my family while tolerant are not truly accepting as in deep down they believe it is wrong. So thats why I dont want to tell them Im even questioning. Especially my parents and my Dads side of the family. They hate gays and look at them as sick abominations. And friends, Im too scared it will do damage to our friendship.

But anyways I think my cousin wouldnt belittle my feelings and she would probably be very supportive. But the truth is, Im not too to close with her, only moderately so and the idea of telling her is still extremely scary, especially due to the fact she would be the first person I would ever tell.