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Anger 101, mini dialog wanted

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by brainwashed, Sep 29, 2021.

  1. brainwashed

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    A quick search in ECs search function on the word "anger" turns up 104 hits.

    I am angry. At what I do not fully know. I'm thinking at this time I'm angry at society and my family for taking my innate sexualtiy. How could they do this to me? Basterds. Fuck heads.

    Who else is angry and feels the reason is, part of the reason is, having their innate sexulity taken from you?
     
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  2. Lemony

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    So by Innate you mean your natural born sexuality.
    Do you mean your family put you through conversion therapy and that is what you’re feeling angry about? I’m sorry it I’m way off here.
    I am here for you, just like everyone else is here.
     
    #2 Lemony, Sep 29, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2021
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  3. QuietPeace

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    I am also angry but I do not feel that my identity or sexuality were taken from me (though I have been put through conversion "therapy" and was forced into the closet for a period of time). I am angry that so many people hate me simply for who I am, despite that I am who I am.
     
  4. Nickw

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    @brainwashed

    I think that many of us go through phases of anger regarding our sexuality. I know as I came out to my wife, I was angry with everyone even when they were not at fault. Mostly, I was angry at myself that I "let" my sexuality matter that much. We all have to work through that anger and figure out why we let anger drive our emotions when there are much more constructive ways to deal with it.

    I, learned, early in life, to turn my anger towards energy to move me away from what causes that anger. It's like I can use that power for my own advancement rather than direct it on others. Many of those that we are angry with WANT us to be angry with them. So, why give them the victory? It's the inward anger we sometimes have that is harder to direct in a positive way. I'm one of those people that believes that energy exists in all of us and we can learn to direct that energy where it will help us.

    I have read your posts through the years and have appreciated your journey and your insights. I think you have been very helpful to a lot of posters here. But, to be blunt, I think you might be stalled out some on the "blame"? Your mom abused you and society has done you no favors. Where you live is not the best place to be a gay man. All of those things are real problems and would cause a level of anger and I don't want to appear to minimize that. But, you need to move beyond them...we all do...or you won't be able to capitalize on all you have accomplished so far...and, that has been considerable.
     
    #4 Nickw, Sep 29, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2021
  5. brainwashed

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    I'm returning to ECs after an extended absence. In a nutshell, yes I was put through conversion therapy.

    Do not know. I've FINALLY identified I'm angry and exhibit anger towards others when I'm WRONGED.
     
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  6. I'm gay

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    I have some anger and built-up resentment as well. I've managed to keep it in check so far, but I know it's still there.

    Some of my anger is directed at myself for hiding in the closet for so long. But most of it is directed at society in general.

    @brainwashed, you should also consider that the pandemic, combined with our current political climate, has increased anxiety and depression issues for so many of us, including me, and that some of your anger could be displaced from these other issues.
     
  7. chicodeoro

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    I'm angry, but about Brexit, the state of my country and the idiocy and bigotry of others that led us to this place.

    Sorry, bit off topic I know!
     
    #7 chicodeoro, Oct 1, 2021
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2021
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  8. Lemony

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    I’m angry about everything here in aus. Gets less and less safe everyday and what is fffed is the liberals to get votes promised if they get in next year they are gonna bring conversion therapy back and the fact criminals are getting bail just cause their family has covid.... one thing after the other.....

    Sorry also again off topic.
     
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  9. mobius5

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    what exactly do you mean by "take my sexuality from me"?
    Is conversion therapy that "try to turn you not gay" religious stuff?

    If you mean like; making it so you thought you were straight or confused, then I agree completely I definitely have anger toward society about that, though for myself I think I have more depression and sadness about it. I spent 10 years of my adult life believing I was straight and being insecure about it. I guess it was mostly societies' fault but I don't know...

    For me the important thing is to look forward, not to dwell on the past, cause mine is miserable. I can improve my life here and now so I will.
     
  10. BiGemini87

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    I'm sorry you suffered some form of conversion therapy. How it was done or why doesn't matter, so much as the fact that it's had such a terrible impact on you. You're amongst friends now; vent that anger as much as you need to, but if you can--for your sake most of all--turn it into something constructive. Give yourself time, let yourself feel those feelings. Let them wash over you, through you, and identify each for what they are. Trace them back to specific events that caused them, and though it will be a messy, painful process, you will begin to heal.

    Most of my anger has been at myself for not allowing myself to recognize my bisexuality sooner. For missed opportunities/experiences, for letting other people make me feel so small that I denied myself this thing (along with so many others). It's getting easier, though; some days I'm at peace, knowing what happened, happened and while I can't change it, I can shape my future. I feel this for a lot of other things, things that are more prevalent than my orientation, and because I've had to work through all these separate pieces, it gets easier to identify that displaced anger earlier on, and thus to work on it.

    But like I said, you're going to need time, especially after what you've gone through. Be patient with and forgive yourself if you find yourself regressing in any way.
     
  11. quebec

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    Brainwashed.....After I came out I went through a time when I was angry. I was mostly angry at society for making me think that the only way I could live was as heterosexual. I was also angry at the Christian Church for misleading me about what the Bible actually says about homosexuality. It took me around two years to work through both of those emotions. I knew that they were pulling me down, but I couldn't just ignore how I felt. I had the help of a really great therapist to figure out how to handle those emotions and I am in a much better place now that I have worked through both of those emotions.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  12. brainwashed

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    I highly suspect no one taught you how to deal with anger. If someone punches you out, do you get angry or do you stay calm. A natural tendency is to get angry unless you've had practice at staying calm.

    Again constructive ways is taught. An acquired skill.

    Actually I had a friend explain "want us to be angry with them" type people to me the other day. People who grow up with angry or in a hostile environment crave the same type of angry & hostile environment in adulthood. Why? Because this is all they know and what they are comfortable with. (help @Chip is this correct info?)

    This takes practice to overcome. It takes a tool set to practice with.

    Trying. A person with the skill set to determine if people are stuck in a groove or not told me the other day, "I'm motivated".
     
  13. brainwashed

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    I bet you this built-up resentment, aka anger, is effecting your life in some way, shape or form.

    Your words, hiding in the close for so long. Breath deep. Accept that fear and shame are powerful.

    Your words, directed at society...Agree. I say to myself, hey, society, whats your fucking problem? Why are you so concerned about who I am attracted too? I also say to myself when it comes to gay bashers, huuum, are you gay basher angry at yourself maybe for not accepting you are gay yourself and are taking out your angry out on me?
     
  14. Nickw

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    @brainwashed
    Just to be totally clear here. I don't see the turning of anger to constructive pursuits is as easy as telling someone they should do that. And, it varies from situation to situation.

    In my own life, I have anger issues. I don't know where this comes from as neither of my parents were angry people. Although, I suspect my father had to work on it. I have a very high stress occupation that requires a LOT of conflict resolution just by nature of the job. I have a well known reputation in the industry for being very "even keeled". In other words, no matter what happens, I maintain composure...with a few exceptions that are well publicized. But, I had to learn to work on it. I learned to do this, as I have with many situations, by taking out the anger on a physical activity. I learned to divert that energy to climbing a hill on a bike or doing a frustratingly hard rock climb. Anything but to be angry at the person. This works well for "situational" anger.

    It doesn't work as well for "endemic" anger. Such as inward anger or anger at a societal injustice or a politician. But, the technique is still there. Some of this anger IS constructive. Without anger we might not be motivated to change things. We might not be motivated to take action. However, sometimes we are consumed by the anger and it is at cross purposes to our goals. An example of this is to be angry at politicians that threaten the LGBT community. I get so angry with the "individual". But, it may be more productive to be angry at the "idea".

    The problem with inward anger, such as my anger over my sexuality, is much harder to convert to positive energy. I lashed out at others without realizing what I was angry about. This takes a bit of insight. And, in my case, some therapy.

    Then there is the corruption of anger when it is used as an excuse. We all know people that are angry because it is easier to find that emotion than it is to find emotions of empathy. Or, in some or our situations, we use that anger as an excuse to do nothing because the anger feels like we are doing something.
     
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  15. OnTheHighway

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    Is it possible that your anger is stemming from your inability to take responsibly for your own life now rather than continuing to focus on all your past traumas?

    Having engaged with you for quite some time, it seems you cleary understand where your traumas are coming from. Yet you continue to focus on the past and the impact they had on you rather than finally taking the bull by the horn, being proactive, and finally living the life your supposed to be living.

    Sorry if this sounds harsh. But coming back and reading your recent threads, I am surprised that your still at the place you seem to be at. I would have expected to see so much more progress with all the hard work you have been doing. So please take this as constructive criticism.
     
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  16. brainwashed

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    @OnTheHighway a coffee shop therapist (friend who I have long heart to heart conversations with) told me after I told her about my recent revelations about my anger, ~"big step in the right direction for you now realize you have an anger issue" - big smile on my friends face.

    This coffee shop therapist went on to say, ~"there are people who resurrect childhood trauma and anger in their adult life because that's all they know and that's what they are comfortable with." (and basically not motivated to change) This friend then added, I do not see you going down that "not change" road.

    I refilled my coffee cup, sat and pondered this friends words for a long time.
     
    #16 brainwashed, Oct 5, 2021
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2021
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  17. OnTheHighway

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    Wise words from your friend. Time to act!
     
  18. SiennaFire

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    I experienced anger earlier in my journey because of various pressures (society, family, conservative values etc.) to keep me in the closet. Then I decided to use my anger to push me to do the scary work of embracing my sexuality. Here's an except for my blog about healing the shame of being gay:

    About anger

    Anger is power when you are coming out!

    Anger is a call to action. Feel your anger and transform it into action. If you are mad at yourself for not accepting yourself as gay, go to a gay bar and dance the anger away. Or make an action plan for coming out or engaging with the LGBT community, then tackle the first few items. Go to the gym and create a sexy body. Your anger is a signal to take action.

    Be sure not to turn the anger inward. If you don't release your anger constructively through action but rather turn it inward, it will turn into sadness and has the potential to lead you down a negative spiral.​

    Perhaps you are angry with yourself? What have you been doing to reclaim your sexuality?

    If you feel angry with others for taking your sexuality, you should explore your thoughts and feelings in therapy or with trusted friends to get past them so you can move onto the important work of embracing your sexuality. Or perhaps reclaiming your sexuality will help you heal your anger?
     
    #18 SiennaFire, Oct 6, 2021
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2021
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  19. brainwashed

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    My anger is not "seeming from your (my) inability to take responsibly...." I've identified where the anger is coming from. I had help with the identification. A large pat of my inability to move forward is lack of access to therapy. I'm on a path to get access to therapy.

    Yet you continue to focus on the past and the impact they had on you rather than finally taking the bull by the horn, being proactive, and finally living the life your supposed to be living.

    Sorry if this sounds harsh. But coming back and reading your recent threads, I am surprised that your still at the place you seem to be at. I would have expected to see so much more progress with all the hard work you have been doing. So please take this as constructive criticism.[/QUOTE]
     
  20. brainwashed

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    I replied to OnTheHighway's message fully but exceeded the time limit to correct my reply entry. Thus the message above is not lacking.