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Am I really gay? Should I come out?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Coolhand7, Nov 10, 2021.

  1. Coolhand7

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    I’m 30 and slim and single. I’ve always been straight had a few gfs but haven’t dated in a while. I’ve been curious since puberty started experimenting with lingerie secretly and noticed naked guys in the locker room! I first experimented with a guy when I was 23 it was awkward but I liked it. I started watching gay porn and playing with toys regularly. In the last couple years I’ve tried hooking up with girls but have gotten soft and couldn’t perform. Sometimes I feel like I’m meant to be gay cause On ###### women are super hard to connect with and only get like a couple matches but I get hundreds of matches from men and they are always complimenting me. Should I just let go and date men and come out?
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    Based on what you wrote above it would seem you have more than a passing curiosity for guys, so you should at least follow that curiosity and see where it leads you to. Do you need to come out as gay, right now? I wouldn't say so, but it's a decision only you can make.

    Feeling like you are meant to be gay isn't quite the same as feeling you are gay. The feeling that you are gay comes from within, don't you think? The fact that you are still trying to connect with women, albeit with some difficulty, suggests to me that you might be a little swayed by the higher success ratio with men. Of course, that's not entirely baseless, because you are experimenting more with your sexuality and do feel attracted to men too, but you probably should try to understand where things stand with the opposite sex before you fling open the closet door and announce you are gay. When did you last try to hook up with a girl and why did you try to hook up with a girl?
     
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  3. Chip

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    So, you mentioned watching gay porn. Porn by itself isn't a reliable indicator of sexual orientation. Playing with toys (I'm assuming you're talking about anal toys) is also not necessarily an indicator that you're gay, as there's a biologically based physical sense of pleasure that comes from anal play that's equally present in men and women. Likewise, the matches you get and the compliments you receive have zero bearing on whether you're gay or straight; there are plenty of straight guys that gay guys lust after.

    So the real question is... where do your attractions and arousal lie? What happens when you masturbate without porn? Where do your fantasies focus, men or women? And if you try them both, which is more arousing? This is a far more reliable indicator. If you can give an indication of that, we can give you a better sense of what that might mean.
     
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  4. Coolhand7

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    I tried to hookup with a girl like a year ago and I tried cause I don’t want be gay but thing keep popping into my head and I can’t help it and I’m from a small town and me being gay would not go over well
     
  5. Coolhand7

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    Lately my attraction has been for men. Probably 80% of the time I masturbate it about men. I really submissive so fantasize about big strong men holding me down and having there way with me. There was one time I thought about one of these fantasies while with a woman just so I could get hard.
     
  6. BiGemini87

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    Based on everything you've stated here, I'm of two minds:

    1) You could be bi with a preference for men, and your most recent sexual encounters with women weren't successful because a) these women weren't your particular type, and/or b) you're fluctuating towards men currently, which isn't uncommon amongst bi folk and tends to negatively affect your encounters with the sex opposite from the one you're currently focused on.

    OR

    2) You are in fact gay, and since this is a relatively new discovery for you, you're in the process of moving away from heteronormativity and towards your true sexual inclinations. This is incredibly common too, and your statement of pursuing your most recent female companions because you didn't want to be gay seems to support this. :slight_smile:

    As to coming out? I say give yourself time to sort everything out, first. There's really no rush to come out, and coming out is a very personal matter; one that should be done only if/when you feel ready.
     
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  7. Coolhand7

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    thank you for the advice I just recently came out to a couple of girlfriends and one was shocked and one said eww and stopped talking to me so I guess I have to be careful who I tell
     
  8. Chip

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    Based on your responses, I'm inclined to think you're probably closer to the gay end of things than the bisexual end. Of course, my opinion and $4 will buy you a cup of Starbucks, so there's that. :slight_smile:

    What's important here is that you process what's being said, compare it to what you know, inside, about yourself, and see what fits or doesn't fit. Nobody but you can know for sure whether you're straight or gay or bi. All we can do is tell you what we see, based on what you've told us.

    Also, there''s no rush, no timeline you have to follow. It actually sounds like you aren't far off of accepting yourself and opening to whatever your truth turns out to be, so perhaps as you sit with it, you'll find it easier.

    You said you came out to these girlfriends... did you identify as bi or gay? Not that it really matters (and many folks who end up gay say they're bi while they're figuring things out), but if you do truly know that you really aren't attracted to women, then it might make sense to think about how you want to portray yourself to people, and if that portrayal is authentic... and if not, what steps you can take to get to authenticity.
     
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  9. out2019

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    Only you can tell, but based on what I see here, it sounds like you are gay, but you 'don't want to be' and live in an area where it might not go over well. Is it you don't want to be or have some fears about coming out?

    If you could remove the fear/outside factors - let's say you lived in a LGBT friendly city and and no one you know from your current life lived there,and you saw a guy you were attracted to smiling at you.. what would you do?
     
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  10. Richelle1

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    You sound like me when I was in my 20's and teens. Yes you should come out as gay. I wish I would have. I used to have gay urges and then would go back to straight and then the cycle would repeat itself. Now I'm gay all the time with no brakes from it. And now I want to go transgender when I know it's not the best thing for me.
     
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  11. eron

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    I also experienced the cycling between gay desire and straight relationships. Best thing for me was to get real with myself first; worry about the outside world later.
     
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  12. CatSpinner

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    It's possible you might be bisexual, but have a preference for men and that's perfectly valid.

    As for coming out, who do you plan to come out to exactly? I'd say come out to people who you feel comfortable with first, such as close friends. Then, go from there. Good luck! :slight_smile:
     
  13. out2019

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    This was my experience too. With acceptance the 'cycle' stopped.
     
  14. Richelle1

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    Can't accept it but I also know you can't stop it. I was attracted to certain boys my age when I was 7.
     
  15. Notsureatall

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    I can’t tell you if you should come out, but if you enjoyed having sex with men in the past I hope you reach a place that allows you to be comfortable dating them. Being attracted to men is natural. The male form is gorgeous. About half of the people on the planet also fantasize about being with then. There is nothing wrong with thinking men are hot. They are and if you have a desire to live a gay life it doesn’t have to be anyone else’s business. But you should not feel shame about it. Being gay might just be part of who you are and there are lots of positives to being gay. I only thought about the negative side of it until I met a man who helped me realize how wonderful being in love with a guy can make you feel. I fought being gay and regret every minute of it. Trying to find women equally or more attractive than men was just never in the cards for me. If you want the embrace of a strong man’s arms spent more time finding him and less time telling yourself you should not want this. You already know you enjoy gay sex so try now enjoying being gay. Accepting myself as gay has made me a much happier person and more pleasant to be around. Your small town might not appear to want a gay man in it, but I’m sure they want a happier version of you as part of their community. Your sexual preference can remain private but don’t fight it anymore. It makes perfect sense to me that you want to be with men. They were made to be sexually appealing and just because you are one too doesn’t mean you should deny yourself of recognizing this fact. If you are gay you are gay and this is something that can be greatly enjoyed.
     
  16. Contented

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    I think in some cases cycling is due to trying to keep homosexuality at bay. Perhaps last attempts to convince ourselves that we are not gay. I know for a short period of time I did the same thing. I kept an escape hatch open to heterosexuality while knowing in my heart I was never going to be with a woman again. Finally the pressure and internal conflict of living an obvious lie got to be too much. I had to face the truth that no matter what came before I preferred men exclusively as sexual and emotional partners. My truth was I love gay sexuality and just had to admit it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to and acting on your same sex attraction. I am so happy I finally admitted and openly embraced being a gay man.
     
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  17. out2019

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    we probably all have sex drives that are cyclical and my guess is the repression was easier during low sex drive periods. That's why a lot of guys in denial said they didn't 'feel' gay after masterbating to a gay fantasy.
    Yes, I was literally so emotionally exhausted that I was physically exhausted.
    This is hard to explain to people who haven't experienced it and it was a hard thing to face myself - I realized I was scared of what people might think, but I actually loved the idea of being gay and accepting myself but that fear of what others might think can hide itself as 'I don't want to be gay'.
     
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  18. Contented

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    This is so true and reflects my own experience. As I acknowledged my same sex attraction and became intimate with another man I loved everything about being gay however I was petrified of what other people would think. After all I pretended ( subconsciously ) straight for so long. How could I explain that I found incredible pleasure physically and romantically in the embrace of another man. It took me awhile work through my internalized homophobia to finally say I prefer men exclusively, loved being gay and frankly don’t care if that somehow offends you. Loving another man is just as valid and just as normal as anything else.
     
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