I'm a 27 F. I thought - at least that's what I've bern telling myself - that I am a bisexual, but in recent months I started to question if I am actually a lesbian the whole time. I know I am not straight since 13 years old. I was in a girl school, my first crush was a new classmate. My heart was racing when I was next to her and I found her the most beautiful person I've seen. The feeling was so strong that I kept writing them down in my diary. I remembered searching for 'same sex relationship' as no one talked about this over a decade ago in Asia. We were in the same class for a couple more years. I got to know her but I was so shy that I didn't pursue her romantically, no one - not even my best friend- knew my feeling towards this classmate. The feeling lasted for at least two years until she studied abroad. Fast forward a decade, I dated a woman at home country and a man in my college overseas, and now in a relationship with a man. Both my past relationships lasted two years. However, while I was with my guy ex, I had a short but intense crush on my woman classmate (whom I found out later she's a lesbian) and then I got feeling for another bisexual woman close friend (let's call her B) that lasted a few years. To be honest, I didn't even like my guy ex romantically. Sometimes in bed, I had to fantacize him as a woman to continue, or else I'd literally fall asleep. I think I dated him because I was lonely in a different country, and I just ended my long distance relationship with my ex-girlfriend two weeks before. (I know I sound like a bad person...). I still had some feeling for B, and I eventually told her my feeling but she told me she just liked me as a friend. Then two years ago, I met this nice guy. We started dating after knowing each other for a few weeks. He is very compatible and I like him a lot. He is also open-minded and asked my sexual orientation before we dated, I told him I don't have a specific type and I dated a man and a woman. I didn't have any other crushes when he was around. However, a few months after he flew back home and while we had long distance relationship, I has small girl crushes that didn't last long, but B still popped in my mind once in a while. Until two months ago, I watched a TV show with a lesbian relationship (I always watched leabian videos...) I resonated so much with the two female characters as they reminded me of my time with B. (At this point , I haven't seen B for two years). My feelings suddenly went wild for a few days that I couldn't manage to chat with my boyfriend in a normal. The feeling of having a huge crush with women made me feel alive, and I've never felt like this with my boyfriends. It got to make me question: my queerness maybe much stronger than I thought. Instead of having my queer side being dealt with, it has always been there, just stored somewhere in me until something triggered it. Thinking back, my main fantacies have always been women - even my teenage idol has came out as a lesbian after I followed her for a few years. My gaydar has been working well and I am always attracted by same-sex stories/ shows. I found women celebrities way hotter than men. I had some small 'boy crushes' but usually these feelings only lasted a short period of time. The question is, my current boyfriend has just moved across the country for me, but I didn't find the spark as it used to be. Maybe it's because we are already used to each other or maybe I am actually gay? I don't know how to deal with my inner conflict... Thanks for reading this I'd appreciate if you can offer some advice or insights.
