Hi everyone, I've decided to take the plunge by asking for some advice... I'm a girl, 25 years, I never had a relationship, never had sex. All my life I had no interest in sex and while my friends where constantly talking about boys and girls, I was by myself and very fine with that. Growing up, it was quite hard because I thought something was wrong with me and it was not normal that I was the only one who never brought up these subjects. I was just in my own bubble, dreaming about my english teacher. Turned out that I actually had a huge crush on her. It took me a long long time to realize that I liked girls. In college, I had a crush on one of my best friends, I wanted to be around her ALL the time, I was constantly thinking about her and I got the "butterflies in my stomach" thing. Things got a bit complicated and our friendship ended. 2 years ago, I moved in a new city and my friends pushed me to subscribe on a dating app. I did it because I was curious but I was actually very fine my myself, again. I met a girl and we texted a lot. Eventually, we met for real. Everything went fine and she kissed me ! I wasn't expecting it and I was quite intimidated as it my was my first kiss. After that, we met 2 more times and we kissed again. But I felt very awkward. When It was time to go home, I took the train and I started to cry. I felt very empty and sad... I started to realize that I didn't really like the "kissing thing". Actually, I had no feelings for this girl and I didn't understand why we had to kiss so soon... I was comparing myself with my female friends who could have sex and kiss somebody very quickly. It wasn't the same for me. Since then, I've felt quite concerned... Could it be that I am asexual ? Am I unable to love someone if I haven't known the person for months? Am i simply unable to be with someone ? If you have a similar experience or any advice for me, I would be very happy to read your answers... Elph
Elph.....Everybody develops at their own pace. Don't measure your self against anyone else's experiences, yours will always be different. I had my first real kiss at the age of 27 and I'm still married to that person, this year we will have been married for 44 years. The definition of asexual is the complete lack of sexual attraction to anyone. Since you've had crushes, I really don't think that you are asexual. Most people do feel the need to know someone for a period of time before they come to love them and start considering marriage. "Love at first sight" is mostly a fable. Not that it can't happen, but it's rare and of those that do "take the plunge" quickly after their first meeting often don't stay together. I would counsel patience...I really do think that the right person will show up for you! .....David
Hi David, Thank you so much for you reply ! First of all, congratulations for your 44 years together!! That's so cute! It gives me hope for my future love life Sooo, to be honest, yeah I had crushes but it didn't involve sexual thoughts at all. I wanted to do everything a couple do without very intimate stuff. For example, I wanted to give the girl I had a crush on cuddles, surprise her with cute gifts, buy her some flowers, make her a delicious meal etc. I realized it wasn't just a friendship, because I've never felt anything like this before with anyone, not even my best friends. That's why I was wondering if I could be asexual... Because each time I have a crush on a girl, it's never about finding her attractive in a sexual way. It is more about emotions, wanting to be with her all the time.. It's quite hard to explain haha, i'm myself confused! ^^
Hello, @Elph! From what you described, it's entirely possible you're asexual. If your draw towards other girls hasn't been sexual but more about physical and emotional intimacy, that does seem to fit. That said, I don't think anyone can tell you definitively whether you are or not; how you experience attraction will speak for itself in time.
Elph.....With the description that you've given us now of your "crushes", I have to lean a little more toward what @BiGemini87 said. I don't think you can say for sure that you are asexual based on those examples, but the possibility does become more likely. I think time will give you the answer that you are looking for. When/if you have another "crush", pay attention to how you are reacting to the person. Are they fun to be around, can you go on a "date" and have a good time and then go home and go to bed with no problems. Or do you go on a date and are you a complete mess for hours getting ready. Do you adore every word they say and yet forget what the conversation was about? When you get home, do you lie awake thinking back over the evening? There's a difference there that should give you a hint! My example may be complete hogwash...but you get the idea. Someone who is asexual will have little to no emotional/sexual reaction to others, while a sexual person will have a reaction, be it good or bad. You are really the only one who can tell, but you have plenty of time to figure this out...there is no rush. It's far better to have the right decision that to have a quick decision! .....David
Thank you both so much for your answers, I really appreciate it and I will take into account your recommendations I know that I shouldn't worry too much about it, but it becomes more complicated to just not think about it, as my friends are really often talking about their crushes and sex life. I feel like a complete outsider and It doesn't even interest me to know every single detail... It's quite painful when everyone is doing some retrospective about their love life and suddenly, it's my turn to speak about it, i'm the center of attention and I have nothing to say haha ! Sometimes they are very curious and they desperately want to know what's happening in my love life when I don't even know how to describe it myself ! There's also the pressure coming from family, as they are wondering when i will introduce someone to them... I have no choice but to think about it, daily, and i'm also a huge overthinker which doesn't help
Elph.....How about the perfect come-back: "When the right person shows up, believe me you'll know about it!" That reply might go a long way towards shutting down all of the questions! Especially if you have a "sly" smile at the end!! .....David
Hi Elph ! I was in the same situation as you. I was wondering if it was normal that I didn't find anyone "sexy", that I didn't want to have sex with anyone and that, maybe, I was missing something. I started looking for informations on asexuality, as I had never heard of it before, and I highly recommend two books that I have read in the last few weeks that have helped me a lot : The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker and Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen. These books explain the difference between asexuality (lack of sexual attraction) and aromantism (lack of romantic attraction) and I think this is what might help you to determine what you are experiencing (because you talk about crushes without sexual attraction) I haven't found all the answers to my questions yet but I hope this can help you find some answers about your feelings ! Constance
