I am an older guy and have been married for 26 years. When I married my wife, I believed that I was straight and definitely loved her a great deal. Our first few years of marriage were very happy. We thought the same and agreed on most things. There were very few cross words. After years of trying and lots of medical tests we found that we were unable to have children. We tried IVF unsuccessfully and even tried adoption, also unsuccessfully. When I was 39 I had access to the internet and a whole new gay world opened up before me. Unfortunately it was like taking the lid off a box and not being able to get it back on again. I started chatting to gay guys and progressed to meeting them. I am not proud of what I did and deceiving my wife made me feel so bad. I enjoyed meeting guys for sex, but didn't feel that it was fulfilling. When chatting to other men in the same situation, they tell me that suddenly all the pieces of the jigsaw fell into place and they realised that this was why they were here. In other words they worked out that they were gay. My experience was different. If I'm honest, gay sex was a disappointment and not as good as I imagined it would be. Having said that, I couldn't stop doing it. In the meantime my sex life with my long suffering wife suffered until it stopped altogether. We have now split up as she thinks that I am gay. I think she is probably right, but I have so much trouble accepting it. I don't want to be gay. I feel disgusted with myself and very unhappy. I think that what I need to do is to learn to accept who I am and be happy with it, but it's eating me up and causing me to be depressed. I am hoping that somebody can suggest a way that I can think about things and come to terms with it and ultimately learn to love myself. Any thoughts gratefully received. Steve
It was brought to my attention some time ago by my counselor a different way of thinking that has helped me overcome many emotional stresses. This technique I use ofter to control my anger issues- But that's not all it is useful for. It helps me come to terms with what I think I'm feeling versus what I'm really feeling. It's called "Third Way Thinking". There are five 'steps' (all questions that you ask yourself) to the process. It goes as follows. 1. First of all, what am I feeling? 2. What am I thinking that is causing me to feel this way? 3. What am I really believing that might be impacting these feelings? 4. What are the alternatives? And finally, 5. If I choose one of these alternatives, what could I end up feeling rather than ____(initial feeling)?.... I hope this helps you! Good Luck.
Hi, Steve, welcome to Empty Closets! Have you considered seeing a counselor? They can be very helpful in addressing your feelings of shame. Hook-ups with random people are rarely very satisfying, regardless of your orientation. Sex also is better if you really like someone personally, and gets better as you and your partner know each other better. So, I don't think you should really expect hook-ups to be very good sex necessarily, and certainly not to be satisfying emotionally. You are not really connecting with another person, when you just meet up for sex. You might want to try joining an activity, where you can meet other gay people and make friends. Having gay friends helps a lot with self-acceptance. Also, once you are connected with the community through something other than just meeting up with guys for sex, you will see that many gay men have loving relationships. Also, you can hang around here and chat with us all at EC. That will help you, too.
