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About love

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Sadness, Aug 6, 2021.

  1. Sadness

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    Hi guys, i asked a lot here about sexual attraction but never about love and affection. For those who dont know, all my obsession started bc of a gay friend of mine. And then i started to obsess over the fact that im in love with him and i would be gay. And my obsessions started bc of this.

    I used to think about him and listen to romantic songs, and romantic movies, to see if i would ever like him. And i always felt the same, a huge rush of anxiety, a feeling in my chest, my heart would beat fast, i would sweat and shake.

    So i talked about this to my psychiatrist, and said all this that i felt and i didnt know if it was love or anxiety, bc i never really liked him in that way, not that i know. But i was so anxious and all this feelings whenever i tried to think of him. He said it could be a trauma, but about what? i was so friend of him

    And i thought this was over, since i was good and not feeling nothing and thinking about him, but today i was listening to a song and he just appeared in my head and i started thinking about it, like being with him and all. And i felt all these feelings again. I got so scared. I tried to think of a girl after but i couldnt i was so stressed out and i dont like any girl to think about it too.

    Does anyone know if those feelings are love? I dont really know anymore. I already tested with him a lot of times, i dont feel aroused at all by him. But those feelings still there and im confused again about love. Anyone relate?
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    I do not really know what that word means.

    If you care about him and want to spend time with him why not just say and do that?
     
  3. chicodeoro

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    Yes, I recognise those feelings. I remember them well from my teenage years. It sounds like a crush, essentially a love that's one-sided.

    And your other (unasked) question - does that make you gay? Possibly. Is this the first time you've felt like this about a man?
     
  4. Sadness

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    The real thing is that, i dont want to do that if you understand. I dont have the desire to be with him, and i dont even talk to him anymore. Is just that is something that has been on my mind. I always felt the same anxiety whenever this thought pops up in my head. But i never had the desire to think of him if i could say so. Does that make sense?

    In the past we were good friends, we dont even talk anymore. I already tried to fantasize a lot of things with him, but i dont get aroused and for some weird reason i dont feel the same feelings when i indeed try to think of him. I dont know if that makes sense? When i try to fantasize with him its never good, or i dont feel good like i do while i fantasize with woman. I dont know if this is some type of repression? Since the only feeling that i get like this is when its intrusive, and when i used to see him sometimes at first glance this anxiety and tight feeling in my chest, but they all fainted when i pass some time with him. So this is what makes me confused, shouldnt i be able to get aroused and feel good thinking about doing anything with him?

    And why you dont know this word?

    I already had like 1000 internal discussions, with my mother and even with my psychiatrist about this.

    Like i said in above, i remember having crush in woman when in school and i loved thinking about her, listen to music thinking about her, writting songs about her all that stufd, and it was amazing and liberating, i felt free and alive and it was awesome. But for some reason i dont get nothing when thinking about doing this things with him. If i could say so only those anxiety feelings and the others that i described.

    It would be easier for me if i just got hard whenever i think of him, but i already tried so much in this last 3 years and i never felt something towards him instead of this ones that i described.

    So am i denying those feelings? Am i hiding them? How can i be able to get hard thinking about him? How can i feel good imagining me kissing him and laying in bed with him and cuddling? Those things are missing, i can only reproduce this with woman in my mind.

    So i wonder if im just in denial about this? Whenever i put a song and try to think of him i have those feelings that i described. But when i turbed down and think about thisi dont have those feelings or they are not as intense. How was your feelings about this? They were like this? Could you think of them sexually and feel good, or any intimacy? Because i dont feel nothing when do this

    And answering your question, yes, it is the first time something like this happened, this type of anxiety and other feelings are the first time. I remember one day that a picture of him appeared in my cellphone and i almost had a panic attack. So weird.

    Do you resonate with this? And do you think im hiding those feelings? Im really confused
     
    #4 Sadness, Aug 7, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2021
  5. Sadness

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    And just add this question, is possible for someone not feel any type of sexual attraction to someone and still be in love with him?
     
  6. PatrickUK

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    In all honesty it sounds as though your thoughts and feelings are being driven by something external, i.e. movies and song lyrics, rather than anything within you. You are projecting scenarios and lyrics onto someone you have no real connection with and no longer see or speak to. You are allowing your imagination to run away, when it really needs bringing back.

    Our imagination is a powerful thing and it can work to our benefit sometimes, but there are other times when we need to stay present and focus on what is real in the here and now.

    This isn't love and having read your response to previous questions, it isn't even a crush. You are projecting and becoming invested in your own ideas, when there is no basis to do so. My best advice would be to stay present and focus on what is real.
     
  7. Sadness

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    It really makes me confhsed because its always anxiety kicking in. The real problem is that, those same feelings are love feelings, for some reason anxiety and love share the same feelings its weird. And the other problem is that i cant find a way to deal with this once and for all. Like i said above, ive already tested lots of things with him bc he is the center of all my obsession on being gay. So i spent 3 years testing with him, the problem comes when even after 3 years if i think of him to test or just to imagine me causually talking to him, i have all this feelings. I dont understand why i still have this feelings over this since i almost dont talk to him anymore. Sure we will be on the same class, but i thought i was good about this already.

    But then all this anxiety feeling emerged again and made me confused again. Ive been working on this with my psychiatrist but i sure felt like ive had dealt with that already, but it seems like i still feel anxious when think of him and probably will be when i see him.

    Even if i think about sexual and non sexual things with him, its almost the anxiety that take places, and when im chilling, i just dont feel nothing related to arousal.

    O thought ive had wrote a new page in my life but theres still this thing that dont let me go and i dont know why lol. I already thought of talking to him and ask him to kiss me or have sex with him, only with the purpouse to settle this once and for all, but i domt have the desire to do that lol.

    And yeah it can be really fantasies, because if i thought about him listening to music and got hard, aroused and lust lets say, i would be: okay i do love him. But i just dont feel nothing, only those anxiety feelings lol. On the other hand when i do it with woman i feel pleasure.

    Well, ill probably have to talk with my psychiatrist again to see what can i do to turn this page.
     
  8. Sadness

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    So today has been an awful day, im having almost a panick attack bc of this. Of not knowing whats going on. Or do i know? How do i know this huge anxiety and my heart beating as fast as usain bolt running 100m isnt bc im just lying to myself and that i love my gay friend.

    I was good untik yesterday its been almost a year without that, but now everything appeared again and im having a panick attack, im almost crying bc i dont know what is this feeling.

    Am i in love with my gay friend and im just hiding it? I dont know what to do, i camt stoo the anxiety and the feeling in my chest like its being ripped appart its actually making me wanna cry.

    What do i do? How can i know what im feeling, why im feeling this, is this fear and axiett, is this love? How do i know. I just wanted to like a girl so it would be obvious but i dont like anyone since 3 years ago. Am i just hiding that im gay?

    Sorry for this but i really want your guys help now, i dont know whats going on, i thought this was over. Why i feel this feelings when thinking about him even thought i dont get any type of sexual feelings.

    Hes in my class and im scared to see him again, i wasnt like this but now im getting scared. Is this love? How do i know? Im scared, i need help. Im feeling a deep down uncomfortable and hurting feeling in my chest. I thought if i said that i love him and want to be with him forever it would diminish but its actually is making this feeling worse.

    I would love some advice and help. I dont know what to do.
     
  9. QuietPeace

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  10. chicodeoro

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    Sadness, take a deep breath, take ten steps back and relax.

    Patrick upthread is right - this all seems to be happening in your head. From what you've written here he's not even a friend, just a mere acquaintance. So nothing is actually going to happen. And you seem to be getting yourself into an almighty flap about nothing at all.

    So please don't declare undying love for him. You're liable to be rejected and it will make you feel a whole lot worse.

    More to the point, is this sort of anxiety something you have experienced before? If you can, I would talk to a medical professional about ways to combat it, either through medication or grounding techniques.
     
    #10 chicodeoro, Aug 8, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2021
  11. Sadness

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    Im really sorry for you, love is something beautiful. I really hope you find out what it means, because i think it means different things for every person.

    Im so sorry about this, yesterday was rough, its been 7 months since this extremelly anxiety spiked me. I wasnt able to breathe. I thought i had ended this problem.

    I already talked about this to my psychiatrist, and i still dont know why this friend of mine still something huge for me, a huge problem like this. Yeah i dont see him for what 2 years now, i will only see when my presencial classes starts and before i was so scared about how would i feel, since it gives me a dread anxiety. And i dont know the reason behind this.

    I never felt something that bad in my life, or not felt something so intense in my life, this type of anxiety i never had before.

    Im still talking to my psychiatrist about this, but i still cant shake the fact that even before this whole time i still have this dread anxiety and all those feelings, ita been a minute since i get a panic attack. I really wish i could understand whats going on.

    If i was able to get aroused by him when fantasizing, i would agree that i like him. But i dont feel nothing when fantasizing with him.

    My psyciatrist actually told me that it could trauma but why, i was so friend with him some years ago, we used to get along very well, i would hug him, laugh with him, do anything with him it was awesome. Nowadays i cant even look him in the eyes, i cant even imagine me talking nornally with him looking in his eye, bc i cant picture his eyes, its like there is his face but two holes up there. And when i try to force to create his hole face i get so anxious.

    I dont know why i have such a problem.
     
  12. masterofnone

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    this is ocd bro
     
  13. PatrickUK

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    It's apparent from your further responses that all of this is connected to obsessive thought and behavioural patterns, for which you need professional help and support. What you are experiencing is not grounded in the present and you are locked into a vicious circle that's making you more unwell.
     
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  14. QuietPeace

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    For the time being I am going with the working assumption that "I love you" means "I am going to deliberately hurt you and/or take advantage of you".
     
  15. masterofnone

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    hey just want to say that you will find true love and someone who treats you right one day :slight_smile:
     
  16. Chip

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    This is your OCD. The focus of your obsessions seems to be shifting. You may need to talk with your psychiatrist AND if you are not currently in therapy, see what you can do to get into therapy. There is only so much benefit you can get from online forums, and this is something that's going to require more help.
     
  17. Sadness

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    Yes indeed it has something to do with that, its been a min since the last time that happened lol, i was able to forget completely about this, but that day something just triggered me and brought everything back.

    Im sorry for what happened to you, i dont have the right to say this but something happened with me some years ago that could explain why i dont fall in love anymore. But you will be okay, one day you will find out what love means, everyone will.

    Yeah indeed. The main reason why i started talking with my psychiatrist was bc of this. I wasnt able to not think of this friend, but not in a good way if i say so. I was spending the whole day with anxiety and breathing problems because of this obsessive thought that was always there (in fact made me more anxious because for a moment i thought that i was having this thoughts bc i loved him) but it was quite the opposite, i wasnt feeling good at all, i was feeling ill, it was never good to fantasize about him or have him in my mind it would make me feel ill.

    So when i started taking meds all this started to fade away, conversations with my psychiatrists was showing good results and i stopped having obsessive thoughts about him all day, life was good again. Then i had another problem to deal with, which it was the compulsions part that im dealing until today and trying to stop. But then suddenly that happened again, i almost had a panic attack.

    I am trying to find a good therapist near me. I hope he can help me deal with both of those problems.
     
  18. QuietPeace

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    I am ok and as it says in the thread I do think that I know what it means.