A little venting

Hey, long time no post. I had decided to keep my gender identity private and not discuss it further, or think about it if avoidable. So lots of avoidance and repression. This past fall, my brother got married. He’s an alcoholic and has been physically and verbally abusive to me for years. I’d been avoiding him for a long time because his blow ups are too much for me (I end up suicidal for at least a month every time). I didn’t go to the wedding. He’s been showing all the warning signs of an impending meltdown (signs I’ve had years to learn to recognize) and I decided I didn’t want to be the object of a meltdown at his wedding. He responded with the worst meltdown he’s ever given me. Talked a lot about my death. It left me suicidal, depressed, and surprisingly, completely disconnected from the feelings of being transgender. It was like there was no sense of self at all. Just fear response. Now time has passed and I’m feeling better, and those old trans feelings are rushing back. It’s exhausting.

 

Thanks, and agreed. We won’t be speaking again unless he makes some big changes. I’ve cut him out of my life before and only let him back in because he’s been through a couple rounds of rehab and says he isn’t drinking (I have my doubts). Either he’s still drinking, in which case cutting off contact makes sense, or he’s not drinking, in which case the rage isn’t because of booze, it’s just him.