1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

A Call for Help . . .

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by GazesToClouds, Dec 31, 2022.

  1. GazesToClouds

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2021
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    29
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi All,

    My name is Alex (22yo AMAB) , and this is a call for help. For context this is my first adult relationship and weve been together for about 9 months, my boyfriend(25yo) is trans (this is relevant). Recently (the past few months) we have been having some issues. One of them is my separation anxiety, we do not live together and i only see him on weekends, he works full time in hospitality, he is an incredibly dependable worker, always puts in 110%, but, this leaves him very tired. And i adore him and his work ethic, i think its a rare thing to be able to give so much. But it also leaves me with less *us* time, as on weekdays he often naps in the arvo so we cant talk online, and on weekends his chores pile up and we usually spend one day just doing housework.

    I am a very physical person, my love language is touch, his is not. My libido is high, very high. His is not, he recently came out to me and told me he thinks he might be on the asexual spectrum. At first i admit i was a bit hurt as i didnt understand what it meant and just assumed it was because of me. I know better now, but it still poses a predicament. I am fully supportive of him and would never force him to do anything he wasnt comfortable with, however i still crave the intimate touch and closeness sex provides. He explained to me that because he is AFAB traditional heterosexual penetration is a big no no from now on. I of course agreed as its his body and thus his rules. He did go on to tell me that we would continue having Anal sex (with me receiving) as we both enjoy that. This works for me, but i requested that we try do this once a week, as it could be a healthy compromise, he agreed. We have not been intimate for a few weeks now, something always seems to come up.

    This weighs on me heavily as i feel very taken for granted (for lack of a better phrase) we dont talk as much as before, it takes him days and days to watch the tik-toks i send him (silly i know but it makes me feel good to share things i find cute/funny) I feel like we are growing apart and i am struggling.

    We had christmas together with his sister, her partner and their best friend. It was great, we all had a lovely time, it was the best christmas ive had for over a decade. We were meant to attend his friends cristmas party yesterday, and i had to opt out as i was unwell (covid RAT positive, very faint), i was quite upset and i think he was too, He doesnt see his friends often as they live a while away. I chatted to him a bit through the night, when he told me hed pop by today and drop off my presents, i had done 3 more RAT tests and all were negative and I after talking to my anut who is a Covid nurse had decided it was a false positive and i was fine. I told him this and said id like to at least hug him, because its our first new year and its special. He was unsure. And in my anger and heartbreak at that, i said "Fine, enjoy your night" it was a stupid thing to say but i was upset and i made a mistake, and now im suffering for it.

    A hour or so later he messages me saying that "he is struggling alot right now" no context but my heart sank and i just felt it must have been my fault. I reassured him that id help if i could and i loved him, and he said he loved me too. As time went on and my mind kept running away from me with *what ifs* and assumptions and everything id been feeling for months came back up, and i told him how i felt ensuring to not how im not angry at him and its mostly just bad timing and circumstance. This did not go down well. He responded by saying he was also hurting and in pain, but now isnt the time to talk.

    This morning, after id clamed down, i sent an apology, about my poor timing, how i still wanted to see him and i still loved him but ill be waiting for him when he is ready. He replied that He still wasnt ready to have this conversation as he felt sick from drinking and was gonna see family. I said that was perfectly and ill be here waiting, and i hoped he took care of himself. I received no response, no i love you. Nothing.

    I love this man with all of my heart, and i am petrified of losing him. I dont know what to do or what to say, this is probably the lowest point ive been for over a year. Im struggling to eat, even communicate with my friends, all i can think about is how i must have fucked up and done something wrong. How i was wrong to express my pain, and the fact i picked the absolute worst time to do it, when he was at a party with friends and drunk. I feel like a colossal failure. He has helped me so much in discovering who i am, he helped me buy my first dress, he supports me to be me. I want to fight to keep what we have.

    I guess i just need some help, so i came here. So please, please help me, if you can. Advice, questions, anything. I just need someone to talk to.
     
  2. BiGemini87

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    1,485
    Likes Received:
    1,318
    Location:
    Pembroke, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi, @GazesToClouds. Firstly, it's important that you know you haven't really done anything wrong; sure, you made a mistake, but it was a completely understandable one, given your current situation. It sounds like there's been a lack of communication on both ends, but more so on his, and that perhaps your anxiety is getting the better of you. I can empathize: anxiety can make us think and act/react in ways we wouldn't when we're otherwise okay, and while we're responsible for our actions, it would be unfair of anyone (ourselves included) to expect perfection at every turn.

    It's possible you're boyfriend is asexual, but I also wonder if transitioning might be the culprit, here? My knowledge of trans health is limited, but this is something I've seen crop up a lot within the trans community, especially during specific points in the transition period. So his libido might be low because of that, but it's difficult for me to know for sure, since I don't know him personally. You don't have to answer any questions you don't want to, but in the nine months you've been together, did he have trouble sexually prior to now? If not, has he recently undergone a new phase of his transition? It could also be stress/exhaustion from work, but I think there might be something psychological at work, too.

    Unfortunately, if he is going through something, all you can do is give him time to talk to you about it. Make sure he knows you're available to talk whenever he's ready, but that if it's something regarding your relationship, you'd like him to be honest with you as soon as possible. It might be frightening, and it might not turn out the way you hope... But I think knowing now would be a lot better than finding out later on.

    I wish I had better input to give, and I hope things turn out okay. We're here for you whenever you have need.
     
    GazesToClouds and Ushiromiya Red like this.
  3. resu

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2013
    Messages:
    4,968
    Likes Received:
    395
    Location:
    Oklahoma City
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You might consider talking to a professional counselor about your concerns; the same thing for your boyfriend. Like said above, his lower libido could be due to medications and/or stress (being a workaholic is rarely healthy). However, it is also asking a lot for you to significantly change your sexual frequency to something very inconsistent.

    Also, try not to feel this is your only chance at love; there are billions of people in the world, and I guarantee more than one are compatible with you. It’s not to say you must leave this relationship: it is just to not feel trapped. That’s also something to talk with a counselor.
     
    GazesToClouds likes this.
  4. Jakebusman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2015
    Messages:
    1,978
    Likes Received:
    529
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Like said I suggest counseling for you and your boyfriend I hope you guys work it out and dont break up you two seem good together.
     
    GazesToClouds likes this.
  5. Incoming

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2022
    Messages:
    101
    Likes Received:
    66
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It hurts to feel like the person who was being harsh and inconsiderate - when we lash out instead of finding a peaceful resolution, or simply letting the matter drop.

    But there are times when we lose control for a reason - when we can't carry a burden anymore. Sometimes our unconscious needs to blurt out the truth, even when it would be more diplomatic to lie.

    Perhaps you were trying to say that your needs matter too ? And that you need at least some acknowledgment of that ? He didn't have to hug you, but perhaps he could have made some other gesture ?

    I'm not suggesting that you should let yourself off the hook ... but sometimes relationships can't move forward without a confrontation.
     
    GazesToClouds likes this.
  6. GazesToClouds

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2021
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    29
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you all for your support. We had a long conversation about everything and things have settled down for now. I appreciate all your input and ideas. We've talked alot about a great deal of things and are sorting it out. I am trying to remember that i have needs too. Its slow but im getting there. Love yall <3
     
    resu and TinyWerewolf like this.