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40, Straight Marriage, Kids, Confused

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Confusedat40, Aug 21, 2021.

  1. Lesbee

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    @Confusedat40 - Yes I can completely relate.

    I knew I liked women from a young age, and now realize I was acting out of compulsive heteronormativity which made me think I was bi all of my life, even though I had never been sexually attracted to men!

    I've been married and have three kids (aged 14, 17 & 19) from three different fathers... so it appeared to everyone that I was VERY straight. My close friends knew about my relationships with women, and one of my hetero relationships was an open one where I got to express that side of myself (but only when he was around).

    It was only after being with a "perfect" guy for 5 years, and living with him over the pandemic, that I was forced to face the facts. I was just tolerating them, also due to disassociation coping mechanisms I had learned from my own past sexual assaults. Due to my upbringing and the many divorces in my family's history, I believed my value was in my status in a hetero relationship.

    Once I did the embodiment work to stop disassociating during sex, and realized I couldn't force myself to be physically intimate even with this "perfect" guy that I (still) love very much... I joined EC and eventually came out as a lesbian.

    Everyone in my life knows now, my ex and I are still on great terms (I'm lucky!) and while we no longer live together and he's not the father of any of my kids, he's still very involved in all of our lives, comes over for holidays & birthdays, and I'm happy to see he's getting himself back out there on dating sites. He's a great catch, so I'm hopeful for him. As for me, I'm choosing to stay single and keep healing & discovering the me I've kept hidden for so long. Just keep being true to yourself. You don't have to figure it out, you don't have to label it. I do highly recommend therapy, but doing my own writing helped me come to my own conclusions before I even started. Just take it a day at at time and try not to get too bogged down with what might happen in the future. It might turn out as bad as we could imagine... OR it might turn out WAY BETTER than we could ever imagine. Just trust & honor your SELF. ❤️
     
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  2. Jay91

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    Wow. You seem very similar to me things you said I havnt said but has happened to me. I also have disassociate identity disorder feel like you could relate to me. Could I speak to you one time if your okay with that? You have done amazing and obviously wayyyyyy further through this than I. Xxx
     
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  3. Lesbee

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    Of course! Write on my wall/profile anytime, or wait till you become a "Full Member" and can send private messages if you prefer.
     
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  4. Jay91

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    Thanks so much I really appriciate that. P.s How do you become a full member?
     
  5. GrumpyOldLady

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    It's always amazing how similar a lot of our stories are...I just realized reading this that I also learned to disassociate during sex due to sexual abuse as a child and that's how I was able to cope at all. Most of my relationships with men only lasted a couple of years until I just couldn't handle sex with them anymore. I think the only reason I've been able to hold out so long in my marriage is because my husband isn't into it so much (he's more or less ace), the only thing that bothers me is that I don't like cuddling or kissing that much either.
     
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  6. Lesbee

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    For anyone who wants to become a full member, there's a bunch of info in EC's FAQ here: https://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/welcome/website-faq.php

    ...but basically once you have 50 posts you can submit an application form here: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?forms/full-membership-application.95/

    and the admins will approve when they have the chance!

    PS. If that application link gives you any trouble, the form is under the Ask The Staff forum.
     
    #26 Lesbee, Aug 30, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2021
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  7. Jay91

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    Thanks lovely