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40, Straight Marriage, Kids, Confused

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Confusedat40, Aug 21, 2021.

  1. Confusedat40

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    Hello,

    I’m glad to find a place where I can remove my sexual-orientation filters while I try to figure it out and hear other experiences.

    My dilemma: I’m married (2nd time) and will never divorce - he’s the kindest, sweetest and most patient man. I love him dearly but not sexually attracted to him (he’s a former pro athlete, so he’s definitely attractive to plenty of other women lol) He knows I don’t like sex - he’s often suggested that maybe I need therapy to remove blockages from my childhood trauma - and he’s knows I’m bi-sexual - but I always counter, “aren’t all women?”

    My husband is 16 years older than I am so I often (morbidly) think - when he’s gone, that’s when I’ll try a relationship with women (especially bc I know 100% I never want to be with another man). But I’ll also probably be 60 by then and just done with romance altogether lol

    The only thing that that turns me on is lesbian porn, and then I feel so guilty when I’m done. During sex, I close my eyes to imagine women - does that alone make me gay?

    I’m a girly girl now but was a tomboy (but in foster care with all boys and sexually abused - perhaps another contributor to my confusion) and I initiated kissing and making out with other girls with I was 10 and under - I never initiated it with boys. I find male anatomy repulsive but I do find some men (usually celebrities, like Mack on Agents of Shield) super sexy but not sexually arousing.

    Every time I was pregnant (4 times), I craved sex with women even more (I’m sure it was hormone thing). I’ve even fantasized about having a secret, no-strings attached lesbian sex - but it’s only fantasy, I would never want to hurt my husband.

    I was also a stripper for 8 years - and had one - just one! - experience with another girl but I didn’t love it - which adds to my confusion lol

    Long story short - I’m starting to wonder if I’m full lesbian and not bi after all. And wondering if other people can relate? I hate that we still live in such a sexuality-taboo world
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC. Sexuality can be a complex thing to figure out. I am sorry you are having such difficulties.
    Does your partner know about how your are feeling?
    How is your relationship other than the sex part of it?
     
    #2 silverhalo, Aug 21, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2021
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  3. Jay91

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    Hi, I'm in the exact same position as you.... currently pregnant too :frowning2:
     
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  4. Confusedat40

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    When I was pregnant, I was especially only interested in women - I even awkwardly tried to open up and share my confusion to an out-of-the-closet lesbian - she looked at me like I was crazy (and probably thought I was hitting on her but I wasn't - I just needed to talk to someone who understood but clearly went with it all wrong )

    I want to say that I know you'll get through this, because I did - but the definition of "getting through" is relative! and my "getting through" it, as I'm learning now, may not have been the healthiest way - constantly sacrificing the needs (and feelings) of others feels like the right thing, but it's a compromise. While I fantasize about another life, I think I've made the right choice so far - but compromising myself also has me expending a lot of energy and mental resources wondering about the "what-ifs" in life and the "how much longers"
     
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  5. Jay91

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    I've always known I've liked women more but not wanted to tell/leave my husband due to hurting him, so I totally know how your feeling. It's sad and it hurts, and I just wish the fantasies of another life could happen but I just don't think I can make it happen :frowning2:

    I understand what you mean about 'getting through it' I just know I will never fully be happy unless I stop living this lie but I don't think I ever will :frowning2:

    I'm 100% attracted to women and know that's where I am happy but it's not as easy as that is it :frowning2:.
    So I can't help you but I totally understand your situation as mine is very similar which has really helped me knowing
     
  6. Confusedat40

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    He knows I struggle with sex (rather wanting it) - but I give in for him, often - I've always envied other women who say they love sex and can;t get enough, but maybe it's because I've never been with the right partner...

    He also knows that I'm attracted to women and sometimes gets a little insecure - not in a direct or defensive way, but I can tell with his questions. I don't feel like I can have a full and candid conversation with him about my sexuality - he suffers from brain injuries from sports and I know if I told him fully how I felt, it would break him - I've explained to him that I don't like men in porn only women because they're safer - but I haven't fully explained to him that I'm just grossed out by men when it comes to sex. I love him with all my heart but not the kind of love I think wives are supposed to have for their husbands. And he truly loves me and we have a great relationship and we're great at parenting together - we're really a good team - I often think I'd be okay if all we could be was a team - with zero sex - but he's not wired that way. I have alluded that I could go the rest of my life without sex and he thinks it's because of my traumatic childhood. And perhaps that's partly true - perhaps that's why I started liking girls in the first place.

    I'm also terrified to tell any of my friends how I feel - I actually feel more comfortable telling my kids (ages 11 through 21) - I guess because I raised them to be true to themselves and to understand and accept others.

    I realize I'm rambling now and starting to talk in circles lol - thank you for reading/listening.
     
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  7. Confusedat40

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    It really does help to know we're not alone in this. I wish I had friends that would open up - or friends I felt safe with opening up to - I tested some friends about 15 years ago - it was on April Fool's Day and I told them I was gay and coming out of the closet and they all freaked and said - what about your kids (I was a single mom of two at the time). I have different friends now - but I still don't think I can ever share how I feel. I have disclosed to them that I've had my "college experience" to see if they would open up, and none of them ever have.
     
  8. QuietPeace

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    I am so sorry that happened. "Friends" who do not accept us for who we are, are not friends.
     
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  9. Jay91

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    Yeah I totally hear you on this. I've told one friend who lives hundreds of miles away but that is it.

    You are more then welcome to follow me and write on my wall anytime you want x
     
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  10. Confusedat40

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    I appreciate bluntness! And you're 100% right.
     
  11. Confusedat40

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    I had to walk away and cry - this has been such a release - finally admitting and talking about what I've shoved down and hidden away for so long - I've gotten so good at pretending that I forgot who I was - and it's depressing. I always preach for everyone else to be true to themselves - and so often, I don't even know who I am and I think this struggle with sexuality or just being able to be vocal about it, represses me from being ME.

    Thank you for the support and likewise :hugging:
     
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  12. Jay91

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    Totally totally hear you!
     
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  13. silverhalo

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    No problem feel free to ramble anytime, sometimes just letting it out and writing it down can help even though it doesnt change anything. I wish I had some better answers for you but whichever path you walk at this point it will undoubtly have rocky parts. Only you can decide how you proceed. I can totally understand why you feel it would be difficult to open up completely to him, have you ever considered seeing a therapist?
     
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  14. silverhalo

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    I am sorry your so called friends did that. I hope that some time you will find a friend who you can be completely open and honest with but until then stick with us on EC :slight_smile:
     
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  15. GrumpyOldLady

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    From the perspective of someone in their early 50's who had been married for over twenty years und just now seriously coming to terms with their sexuality:

    Deep down I've always known I was lesbian but thought it I just met the right guy or got therapy or somehow "fixed" my mental health that the problem would go away and I'd suddenly enjoy sex with men. I'm in my early 50's now and all I can say is...it never changed but got worse over time. I too have had dark moods and depression in which it wasn't the only factor but definitely played a part, and turned to binging and overeating or obsessions with different activities in an attempt to escape these feelings but those things won't help forever. I have days when I can only cry at the position I'm in, knowing that I put myself into it in a desperate attempt to escape who I really am.

    I understand not wanting to hurt your husband and being afraid to start fresh. It's scary and a big step to leave the familiarity and security of a heterosexual relationship, and it's difficult to tell someone you care about that you just don't find them attractive. I haven't left my husband yet myself but we have had a few serious talks about my feelings and desires and where to go from here.

    One thing to consider is that it's easier to change when you're younger and don't have as much baggage or time and money invested in your marriage, and another thing is that the earlier you address the issue the more time you'll have to live an authentic life as your true self.
     
  16. Confusedat40

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    I have actually been looking for one for awhile now - one to address all my issues, though, including embracing my sexuality. I did find a very useful resource on this site, and I went to her page, read her blogs, and am considering a telephone consultation with her. It’s taking that first step that is so hard and then i even catch myself starting to deny it all but at least now I’m more aware then ever of when I start to do that to myself.
     
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  17. Confusedat40

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    thank you so much for sharing this with me - I’m not too much younger, but I suppose when we’re at this age, every year gets harder. And you couldn’t have said it better - living true to my authentic self - part of it is figuring that out and then embracing it - but the other let of me (like you mentioned) already knows deep down. I just wish he and I could live in a co-parenting / best friend partnership without the sex lol I know that’s completely unrealistic especially when he’s straight and sexually attracted to me.
    I also know it’s not fair to him. Why does this have to be so hard?!
    Thanks again for sharing, it means a lot and is resonating with me.
     
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  18. Love2sleep

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    Hello,

    Firstly, well. done for sharing how you feel. It's never easy to get feelings that you have been trapped for so long, out into the open.
    Secondly, once you do open up there then comes a whole set of other feelings such as “what do I now do with these feelings once i’ve let them.out!”
    The truth is, you don't need to do anything other than try to be confortqbek within your own skin. You don't have to have any answers and there is no set time limit to find answers.
    Your situation is not easy, you love your husband but not sexuallu attracted to him but yet you want him in your life. There are many others in the same situation as you, so don’t feel alone with this. Continue to get those feelings out and talk, it may not give you the answers but it will certainly help lift the burden of carrying all those emotions and thoughts inside.
    Be kind to yourself and remember anytime you want to talk, here at EC we are always around to listen and advise the best we can.
     
  19. Jo Hannah

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    We are all travelling our own Journey with so many similar facets to it. And we do this in our own time and at our own pace, what I have noticed since joining (April 21) is that we are all actually progressing, being able to express emotions here and be heard is invaluable and it does help.

    What I can say is that the EC community gave me a place to express myself, to be open and honest about my situation and my fears. You will find many in a similar situation to chat with.

    I’ve had therapy and hypnosis, it’s been so helpful for me, finding the right therapist isn’t easy so check out several, but given what you have said about childhood I would highly recommend professional help.

    I am slowly turning a corner to my happier self,
    I still struggle to openly say “i’m lesbian”. without then thinking, maybe, or is that true ? … I find for me it’s easier to simply say i’m not straight and leave it there.

    Be kind to yourself, opening up to this community does help but it also takes you through an emotional journey so give yourself time. x
     
  20. silverhalo

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    Yeah I can totally understand that is a massive step and each step is positive but at the same time makes it harder to pack away in its box and forget about. I do think it could be really useful for you and doing that research and going on her page is also something you have managed to do which is great. What do you think you are most scared of with the telephone conversation?
     
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