27m Questioning

I guess.


The idea of being submissive is actually a massive turn off for me. With girls, I always fantasize about being the dominant one. Although, it does feel kind of out of character for me. In my everyday life (outside of my sex fantasies), I’d say I can be pretty submissive to other people. I don’t really like that I’m that way though.


With straight or solo girl porn, I feel super turned on the whole time. When I’m watching gay porn, it feels like my arousal is all over the place. For example, I’ll see two guys kissing and don’t feel anything but then when the focus goes on the dominant guy being pleasured I suddenly feel something but then when I try to focus on whose doing the pleasuring Ill lose arousal again. I thought maybe I was attracted to the dominant guy but when I think about doing things to him, I lose arousal. Seeing two penises also makes me lose arousal and even anal sex. I think it’s because with penetration, I have to fantasize myself into the situation and that turns me off. Sometimes when I start to feel arousal, I sometimes pause the video and try to fantasize about having sex or touching either of the dudes and again I’ll lose arousal. I don’t know what in gay porn could possibly be causing me this type of arousal, but I feel like I’d be lying to myself if I just discounted it completely. I don’t know if this is telling, but it doesn’t even matter what the guys look like in the videos I watch. With straight porn, I definitely need to see a hot girl or at least a girl who I’m sexually attracted to (unless I’m ridiculously horny), but with guys I’ve watched videos with dudes who… I’m pretty sure most people wouldn’t ever wanna even see naked and I still get the same responses.


Maybe I’m turned on by imagining I’m dominant?. I think my perception of sex is probably distorted from years of watching porn. Anyway, thanks for your replies and I’m sorry for rehashing this thread.

 

I really appreciate your advice. I tried your test and it always gives me the same result: masturbating while thinking about sex with men doesn't arouse me and masturbating while thinking about sex with girls do. I would venture further and say that thinking about relationships with girls gives me arousal whereas the opposite is true for guys. I can't manage to get an erection fantasizing about guys no matter how hard I seem to try. However, I can't seem to shake this feeling that I'm not fantasizing correctly. Is there a chance that I'm choosing to not be aroused by my male fantasies. That I subconsciously don't want to be gay so I'm purposefully thinking about men in a non-arousing way. Consciously, I feel like I've thought about sex and intimacy with men in every way possible. I've even imagined myself as a girl and imagined intercourse that way; yet, it seems that I can't seem to get aroused. Has being in denial ever caused someone the same issue? Have any gays or bisexuals looked back and thought, I just wasn't fantasizing correctly because they didn't know what sex with the same gender would actually be like?

After reading some responses, I guess I’m starting to understand why gay porn is a bad indicator. I still don’t understand why I’m anxious when I watch it, or even whether its anxiety or excitement; however, upon further analysis, I realized that it’s probably the sensations that are arousing me. If I see something that looks like it feels good, I vicariously imagine it happening to me and feeling good. I came to this conclusion after I watched gay porn and looked away and then fantasized about it. My arousal went away. With straight porn, my arousal actually increased a lot with this same test. It’s strange because when I watch porn with women, I always imagine having sex with the women. I imagine it’s the same for gay men watching gay porn, but with guys. I’m just curious, do any others watch porn this way? Could, theoretically, a straight guy be aroused by gay porn by imagining the sensations? A gay guy be aroused by straight porn by imagining the sensations of intercourse?

 

I work in a science field (computer science—not neuro or psych). I’m thinking that’s why this is so hard for me. I’m used to seeing the world in black or white, it works or it doesn’t and have strong preference for evidence based solutions. To me, gray areas are problems to be fixed.

For the past few months, I’ve tried desperately to wrap my head around what sexual orientation is. The research out there obviously feels incomplete to me; however, speaking from my own personal experience, sexual orientation feels innate and, in a sense, almost primal. When I’m around girls and find myself close to them or in a could-be intimate situation, I feel aroused by the idea of protecting them or being dominant. It turns me on like crazy when a girl feels she needs me. As cheesy as it sounds, it makes me feel more myself or more who I want to be. The reason I mention all that is because everything else feels kind of conditioned. If I saw a girl’s bare chest, chances are I would be aroused. There are certain cultures out there where women walk around bare chested and I’m pretty sure guys aren’t walking with erections all day. I’ve read certain posts on this forum where men knew they were gay when they got an erection from seeing shirtless guys in public, etc. My own gay brother is a collegiate swimmer and is around half naked guys all day and I’m 100% sure he’s not walking around with an erection. I’m wondering do any gays, lesbians or bisexuals feel similarly? As if their sexual orientation is primal or instinctive rather than something they had to analyze their arousal to visual cues about. If so, I’m wondering, for those who used to be in denial, how were you able to hide something so instinctive from yourself?

If I truly have OCD, its going to be ultimately hard to for me to accept; however, I guess that’s the nature of the illness. My mom was diagnosed with OCD, but, in her case, a lot of it has to do with a pretty traumatic experience when she was young. I’ll probably need a little more self-discovery before I commit to therapy, but I appreciate the help of everyone on this forum.

 

I don't get any sexual urges either. I just feel the need to test. Sometimes when I'm at work, I'll suddenly get a flashing thoughts of something I saw in gay porn that I possibly found arousing, get super anxious and then I'll feel the need to test. I've even purposefully shortened my work day on one occasion, just so I could go home early and test myself.

When I first started to test to gay porn, I never really touched myself. I would just monitor my arousal to what I was watching. Typically, I wasn't getting aroused at all doing this.

Nowadays, I touch myself while watching it. When I do this, I kind of rotate between being flaccid and semi-hard depending on what I'm looking at. Once I get that feeling of arousal, I almost try to force myself to orgasm, even if it means looking away or thinking about something else that I know will arouse me. I feel as though I'm purposefully giving myself more confusion over this and I don't know why.