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27m Questioning

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Chase8, Jul 6, 2021.

  1. Chase8

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    Hey guys,

    I've been lurking on this site for nearly 6 months. I've read a lot of posts in this forum and the coming out forum and been debating whether to post for a while. I kind of hit a new low today and realized that, perhaps, it isn't always better to try and figure things out on my own. I feel that if I'm honest enough about what I'm going through, maybe some of you will be able to relate and give me some guidance.

    I will start by saying that I'm currently feeling pretty lost and very anxious. I am 27, male, a virgin and have never had any intimate experiences. This might be unnecessary to mention, but I have a severe underbite and due to my fragility of my TMJ ligaments am not a good candidate for orthognathic surgery to have it corrected. Basically, I have pretty low self-esteem about my appearance, which probably lends to why I'm still a virgin.

    About 6 months ago, I started becoming really anxious about my sexuality. I can't remember what the exact trigger was, but I think all the time I spent at home under quarantine with so little to do really exacerbated it. I remember in the beginning, it wasn't too debilitating. I was able to ignore it or at least confirm to myself that I was straight "because I masturbate to girls" or "because penises are disgusting, etc." Over time, though, it became more prevalent in my mind. I started spending more time questioning and once I started doing research online about sexuality, I got hit with a wave of anxiety that set off a cascade of doubts that have led me here. I feel like I've reached a point where I need someone to be brutally honest with me so I can move on with my life.

    I used to watch porn daily prior to all these questions popping up and, typically, it was straight or solo girls, but, to be honest, I was usually pretty horny when I sat down to watch porn so I would typically just click on the first video that looked good on the homepage and get off pretty quick. I switched to masturbating to my fantasies when I read someone on this site say it was better for affirming your sexuality. When I masturbate to fantasies, I usually think about myself having sex with a girl. When I try to imagine myself having sex with a guy, I can't get an erection. I've tried imagining all types of sexual acts with different kinds of men, but I still can't really get or maintain an erection. I've noticed that when I daydream about girls, I like the girl making me feel like a man. Her needing me to protect her, or provide for her gives me an erection. I also sometime imagine myself as a better looking guy, or a better looking version of myself. I thought maybe that this meant I was attracted to my own manliness which means I'm gay, but I'm not sure if that even makes sense because when I try to daydream about me being the girl in the dream, I don't really get aroused or feel anything.

    Over time due to my constant questioning, I started testing myself with other stuff. I started looking at nude pics of guys and trying to masturbate to them. Usually when I look at naked pics of girls, I get turned on and erect by the idea of having sex with them or touching them, cuddling them, kissing them, etc. When I look at nude guys though I feel this wave of anxiety and I feel some weird horny sensation in my groin. It isn't an erection and I don't know how common it is, but its almost like the feeling you get right before you orgasm. I've tried to masturbate to it but I noticed my penis becomes even more flaccid. When I try to imagine myself having sex with the guy in the pictures the feeling goes away and I'm not able to get turned on. I know this sounds crazy like I'm overanalyzing everything, but the sensation feels like I'm turned on yet I don't have an erection. I've noticed that when I do this test and I'm not anxious I usually don't feel anything so perhaps its because I'm anxious about being turned on. About a month ago, I started watching gay porn and the same thing happened. Got super anxious while watching it. If I imagine myself as a participant, the feeling goes away; otherwise, I just get more flaccid. As I've tested myself to more types of porn, I've realized that there are certain things that can genuinely turn me on like BJs, but anytime I fantasize about me giving a BJ I get turned off, so I think I may just like the idea of receiving a BJ. When I fantasize about a guy giving me a BJ without porn, though, I can't get erect unless I solely imagine the sensations and try not to imagine too much of the guy giving it.

    Another issue is when I'm out and see other people. I live in a college town, so there are plenty of attractive people. Prior to 6 months ago, I never really paid attention to anyone unless I saw a girl or guy who was extremely attractive. I would occasionally check out girls (without looking like a creep) and I would definitely notice if a shirtless guy had a six pack, but not in a I wanna bang that dude kinda way. I would notice hot girls and sometimes daydream about them, but since my sexuality has gone to the forefront of my mind-- I feel like I'm noticing every evenly mildly attractive person like its my job. Every time I see a guy who looks like he could be good looking from 25 feet away (not joking), I get that weird anxiety horny feeling in my groin. I have no explanation for it.
    Today, I took my younger brother to my gym with a guest pass and he pointed out one of the guys who was working out in the corner. I'd seen him plenty of times before and knew he was the dude in the tight shorts who grunts every 5 seconds, but my brother was pointing out the guy's bulge and I immediately got that anxiety sensation in my groin. I kept thinking about it at work and testing myself to fantasies about him and then the other girls I saw at the gym and when I finally got home I immediately tried masturbating to a fantasy of him to test myself but I got no erection. I was still super anxious so I started testing myself to gay porn and I got so anxious and the horny sensation was so strong, I flipped over and started masturbating prone. I was flaccid for most of it until I started to hit the really sensitive underside of my penis and then became half erect for a split second and orgasmed. I've read here that the most people who are in denial feel anxious after they orgasm, but I genuinely felt relieved that I could close out of the porn and be done feeling anxious. About 15 minutes after, the questioning starting happening again and then I started to feel anxious again.

    Honestly, my main issue isn't really acceptance. I feel at this point I could accept being gay or bisexual. My younger brother has been openly gay since he could speak so I know my parents would probably be shocked that they 2/3 sons turned out not straight, but they and the rest of my family and friends would accept me, so I don't think that's the issue.

    I also want to say that I hope that what I've written doesn't offend anyone here. I spent the first few weeks of the year constantly asking my brother about his own attractions to see if it compared to mine and I know that I probably crossed some boundaries there. Please know and understand that it is absolutely not my intention to offend anybody. I've been dealing with this questioning phase for the better part of the year, and I feel like I've missed out on so much just because of it.

    Also, sorry for the wall of text. Reading all this back made me realize I probably need a shrink, but if anyone who discovered they were gay late in the game can relate to anything I've written please let me know.
     
  2. Chip

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    Nothing in what you are describing remotely sounds like you have any same-sex attraction. What you are describing are intrusive, obsessive beliefs, that appear to have no basis in reality, that you might be gay, which are leading you to constantly test yourself. And even though the tests always show you have no attraction to guys, you don't believe the results, and you keep testing.

    These are symptoms consistent with OCD. This is something you should, indeed, see a therapist about, and given the severity of what you are describing, you may need medication, at least in the short term.
     
  3. Lemony

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    Agree majorly with Chip here.
     
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  4. chris123

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    Welcome to the party, Chase. I can relate to what you're going through. It is extremely confusing/frustrating isn't it? The fact that you can't get off to fantasies to guys and yet there is some incessant questioning / anxiety related to the subject sounds, like Chip said, like an obsession which you are trying to get an answer to, but can't. You may have seen my posts which go back to 2019. Let me tell you something you may not want to hear. If it's anything like what I'm going through, without treatment, it is unlikely to get better. It will come in ebbs and flows, like it has for me, but you will need to get some professional help to deal with this most likely. I know I'm not one to preach, as I still haven't done so, and still question my sexuality daily, for hours if I let myself do so and don't distract myself. I too need to be more proactive. And accept the fact you MIGHT be gay. It's scary, yes, but try just shrugging, think "yeah maybe" and try to move on.

    The "groinal responses" you describe I get too. Like, a twinge/tingling sensation in the tip of my penis, and a feeling it's moving or growing?

    Obviously you're not alone in this. But try to address it sooner rather than later.
     
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  5. masterofnone

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    something i’ve noticed with ocd sufferers vs people actually struggling with their sexuality is usually the amount of testing, anxiety and the amount that is written. every ocd sufferer including me has written big blocks of writing, now most of the time with others actually struggling it’s usually quite simple and to the point (MOST OF THE TIME) it also usually doesn’t require copious testing for them. there are plenty people who suffer from this manifestation of ocd, it seems like everyday there is a new person coming here with this issue. the fact that you are a virgin and have no experience means nothing, there are gay virgins, straight virgins, bisexual virgins etc. that still know who they are. hope these words help
     
  6. Sadness

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    I understand what your going through, is sad to see people that are not me going through something like this. Its very frustrating. Trying to get off to men everyday maybe 2 or 3 times,or maybe more. I have this obsessions for almost 3 years now, its sad to see my friends living their lives good, having girlfriends or boyfriends, being happy in general. Is very sad to feel alone, and confused about this, but everything your saying is basic a control c + control v of everyone here who deals with the same thing. Being honest with you, my "groinals responses" that youre describing used to be like this, but i went much further in that it got to the point where i sometimes get some erection in my tests. In fantasies, i feel this tingling and my penis moving kind growing, sometimes i do get some erection i think, but im mostly anxious, then i close my eyes and take a breath, is funny how the feeling just disappear. Try doing this, it could work for you. The next time you get this feeling, close your eyes and breath, it works for me. I got to the point where i get more aroused to woman after i test with men, even getting flaccid with man, so im prettt fucked up, everyrhing is very confusing. But i want you to take everyones suggestiong here, and get a therapist, talk to him, take meds, and work yourself out of it, i dont want anyone to be like me and have this for 3 years. Hope you do well man, if you need help, youll be always welcome.
     
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  7. Chase8

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    I appreciate all your responses and for being direct. Can’t say it makes me feel any better but I realize I definitely need to see a professional. I did a little research yesterday about OCD and I guess I’ve been lying to myself about some of the mental stuff I’ve gone through in the past. I’m not sure if it was my overbearing parents and being the eldest son or just my self esteem issues, but I’ve always been a pretty anxious person. I just figured it was normal for a guy like me. Funny thing is, I’ve always considered myself pretty self-aware so hearing someone else say what I’m going through isn’t normal is pretty eye-opening.

    I know what I really need is to reduce my anxiety about this. I recognize that even when I test myself, it’s the constant anxiety that really bothers me. Even if I were to be genuinely aroused by gay fantasies, I don’t think I could be happily gay if I didn’t get a handle on all the anxiety I feel while fantasizing. When I was sort of deep in testing myself, I asked my brother if he ever got scared or anxious while masturbating to gay porn and he just gave me a blank stare. Lol. That was kind of the last thing I ever asked him about this.

    To answer your question, I don’t really know how to describe the feeling in my groin. All I know is that whenever I feel it, it’s always linked with anxiety. I even sometimes get it when I’m looking at myself naked in the mirror so the sane part of me realizes it probably doesn’t mean anything. It isn’t the arousal I feel when I think about girls. With girls, I usually feel happy, fairly calm and the good type of excitement.

    Anyway, I hope you guys who said your going through the same thing will take your own advice. 3 years is a long time and life’s too short. I can’t imagine spending that long with something like this. For those of you on meds, have you dealt with any long term side effects of anti anxiety meds? Thanks again for all your help.
     
  8. Chase8

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    Out of curiosity, is there a reason why porn is considered an unreliable indicator of sexuality?

    Before all this testing, I assumed that I'd never feel anything from watching gay porn. I'm sure I looked at it once or twice when I was in high school, but it was one of those things where I saw it, laughed to myself and clicked out. When I first started watching to test myself, I felt nothing, possibly a little disgusted (I mean no offense by this); however, as I've watched more, I have found certain things stimulating (i.e. blowjobs or the anticipation of one) even though I'm unable to fantasize about me having sex with either guy in the video. I guess a bj is a bj and since I've never gotten one, its appealing to me, but I'm not 100% sure how I can feel turned on by watching a guy give another guy a blowjob and still call myself straight. Watching two guys kiss and anal sex turns me off, but certain things like close ups of hand jobs or blowjobs, genuinely turn me on. It's also strange because the second I see two penises on screen, I get turned off by that. Also, I noticed that if both guys are too masculine, I get turned off by that. When I fantasize about being a participant in any of the stuff I've watched, I feel nothing, which makes me more confused. I'll add that I feel like my heart is about to pop out of my chest when I test to gay porn so the overall experience isn't something I enjoy even if certain things arouse me.

    It's odd to me because I feel like I watch my normal porn differently. When I watch straight porn, I imagine myself as the guy and touching the girl. With solo female videos, I feel like I can fantasize about having sex with the girl and that gets me off. With lesbian porn, I can get an erection from watching, but usually to get off I have to fantasize myself into it while watching it. I usually get turned on by being dominant, which is a discovery I made only recently. However, I can't imagine myself "in" gay porn, if that makes sense.

    I'm probably overanalyzing, but it really bothers me. I just can't wrap my head around calling myself straight and being aroused by gay erotica, even if miniscule. I can't understand how the visual stimulus of porn can turn me on, but then when I fantasize about myself doing the same thing I watched, I get nothing. Am I fantasizing wrong? My fantasies about women feel so natural like I don't have to really think about what I need to think about to turn me on. With guys, I keep trying to fantasize about the stuff I watch or make new fantasies and still, I get nothing. Is there a science behind why fantasies are more accurate indicators? I tried searching online but I couldn't find anything.
     
  9. Sadness

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    Porn doesnt mean nothing in our sexuality, i do understand you, there are some things that gives me responses in gay porn too, i think most of is bc my real and trully arousal to transwoman, then sex between to penis started to make me aroused in transwoman porn, sometimes i do feel a response when seeing anal sex between two men, but i dont feel soo aroused like transwoman porn or straight porn, i get turned of most of the times with gay porn, but sometimes i do get some responses, it doesnt mean im gay, and neither do you.

    Just like you when i watch porn/hentai i do think and wish i was the guy feeling that much pleasure that hes feeling, so sometimes i do get aroused when he moans, just by association. But naked guys, solo guys, and those things its a turn off.

    Sometimes i had groinal responses bc of my fantasies too. Some responses, but even if i tried the hardest, at some point i would get flaccid. I think mostly is because of anxiety, then when i close my eyes and breath the feeling is gone.

    So yeah, it doesnt make you gay man.
     
  10. masterofnone

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    porn is designed to arouse you. also humans are sexual beings we respond sexually to anything sexually relevant that’s why it’s not a good indicator
     
  11. fdfsdf

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    Definitely sounds like just anxiety and OCD. Whenever I did A LOT of testing I would get a groinal response and I would get very erect and I would feel good. Since I accepted being gay I no longer test since I now know I like guys. This does not sound like what you are going through at all. Like some people say, its better to use your mind over porn for a more reliable answer. For me, I can remember a hot guy I saw and masturbate to him and finish.
     
  12. masterofnone

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    wait so you had ocd wondering if you were gay and actually were gay? i’m so scared
     
  13. fdfsdf

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    Yes, but deep down I already knew I was gay. I was just hiding behind it. I also have OCD with other things, but I never actually talk to anyone about it. I just deal with it. I used sexual OCD as a form of denial. If that makes any sense. But most sexual OCD posts I see here are not close to what I went through. And most are just having unwanted thoughts.
     
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  14. masterofnone

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    oh okay deep down i know i’m straight and have never got hard with dudes
     
  15. Sadness

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    Interesting to know this, everytime that i test myself i have some responses, such as tinglings, and sometimes i remeber getting some erection, but never could maintain. Do you experienced this or it was like literal extremely aroused and bard and it was amazing doing it? Im just curious, if you dont want to answer its okay :slight_smile:.

    A lot of times i think im just hiding my same sex attractions on ocd.
     
  16. fdfsdf

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    I was definitely aroused and loved it. A couple times, I would dream about same sex things and wake up VERY aroused. I think as you have said, a lot if your "erection" comes from your anxiety. Because I can keep my erection when looking at same sex.
     
  17. Chip

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    Guys... (especially Sadness) remember... OCD is OCD. Please don't be going around in circles asking the same questions. You have diagnosed OCD that you're on medication for. You aren't gay.
     
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  18. Chase8

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    I really apologize if I’m being annoying. I was feeling pretty good the past two weeks and even felt like I wouldn’t need any professional help. Today was somehow different and I strongly feel as thought I’m masking my sexual attractions. I went down the spiral of testing on some people I saw today and it eventually led me to check out gay porn again. Weirdly enough, I wasn’t as anxious while watching it this time. I kind of told myself beforehand that I needed a definitive answer and this would be it. Anyway, I noticed some new things. For example, when I watch a guy being pleasured, I kind of feel like I’m being pleasured in the same way. This stimulus for some reason feels strong. It’s as though Im vicariously experiencing what he is. Is that normal? I noticed that when I fantasize (while watching porn) about being the guy, I get turned on by focusing on the sensations but the second I think about the guy doing the pleasuring or switching the roles (to being the guy doing the pleasuring), I’m no longer aroused. And then again, when I fantasize without porn, I usually don’t get much, if any, arousal. Part of me thinks that maybe I have some mental block that allows me to get turned on by elements of porn but not by the fantasies.
    Can any gay guys relate? I’ve read some stories on here where certain guys masturbated to straight fantasies when they were in denial and then switched to gay fantasies over time. I’m wondering how you were consciously able to do that? I’ve tried imagining doing the things I’ve seen in porn, but, maybe because of denial, it’s just not arousing. With girls I always fantasize about the cuddling and touching and usually that gets me pretty aroused and in the mood but with guys I just can’t. I just find this discrepancy frustrating.
     
  19. Sadness

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    To put it simple, nothing youre describing matches with same sex arousal. I was just shocked reading your post bc these days ive had a similar problem too.

    Well testing when seeing ppl was natural to me maybe last year or so, i used to do this a lot, and just like you it didnt work it out. I can relate so much with the guy getting pleasure is arousing, i was with the same doubt theae past days but thinking logically and with ppl here answering me, is normal to get aroused by a guy getting pleasured by a girl (dont know if youre talking about same sex, but even so, its just the sensation, if you got hard as rock imagining having sex then you are gay, but you already said you dont) simply bc you want to be him, for some reason i get aroused bf the guy ejaculate and i didnt know why, but now i know, bc is arousing to see a guy getting pleasured by a girl and i wanted to be him so bad lol. Imo it kind breaks this whole stereotype that man are tough and all that, so when he is feeling pleasured in porn and moans, shows that hes actually fragile, and its submissive to a girl, and ngl this turns me on, i would like to be dominated by a girl, switch places. Seems arousing to me.

    You said that when you think of doing it things and not receiving is not arousing, i dont know if youre talking about same sex or not, but doesnt even matter tbh, in fantasies i dont get hard either, i need a visual stimilus most of the time.

    You get aroused just by thinking of cuddling and all that, the same as me, i get rock hard fantasizing about cuddling in bed with a woman.

    Youre not hiding youre true self, the fact that you dont get aroused with men is not bc you are holding feelings, its just that you dont like guys.
     
    #19 Sadness, Jul 27, 2021
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2021
  20. SteveBi45

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    It doesn’t sound like you’re into men. Porn is never an indicator of sexual orientation. I’m into both men and women, but gay porn or even bi porn doesn’t really turn me on that much. The best indicator is what you fantasize about when masturbating without porn. And also which gender you’re most attracted to in real life. Some of my most intense times masturbating are when I fantasize about being with a man. Not so much with women, but I’m more physically attracted to women in real life.