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How to tell of I am transgender or not?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Vivi Steele, Jan 30, 2023.

  1. Vivi Steele

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    To start from the top, I am depressed to the expresso. I am 22 years old now, had noticed that I was depressed when I was 15. It's hard to keep going, but I manage somehow. I've been starting to get the will to at least look into treatment or therapy.

    I also live in the Bible belt so not only does my family not understand mental health, I don't trust the opinions I'll get there either.

    I've struggled with this question since I was 16, and while I've done the best I can, my mind still has its doubts. I've looked at other people who have came out as trans and they say things that do align with what I feel. I feel trapped within my own body and my mind tells me that I am a woman within. At the same time, I don't feel a repulsion to my genitals either. I don't know if it's just something I've buried or if I just don't mind it. It's hard to figure out what all comes from just depression. Online, I protray myself as female and in one time I thought I was called "ma'am," I felt something that I don't quite know how to put into words.

    I just don't know where I can definitively say I am trans or not. I've lived a life of wearing a mask and now that I've came together with my girlfriend, I want to be my honest self. I don't want to be something I'm not or lie to her. Any insight would be appreciated because my mind is a tangled mess. If you need any more information, feel free to ask too.
     
  2. chicodeoro

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    Hi Vivi Steele, alas there is no transgender 'test'. Ignore all the tedious online quizzes you might see online. The only real way of finding out is listening, to yourself, feeling what your heart is telling you, deep down.

    My own story is that I spent nearly fifty years of my life filled with shame, running away, in denial. Because I was a boy who wanted to be a girl. I thought I was weird, strange, a pervert. I desperately wanted to fit in and be able to 'be' male. Well, because I had a male body and was socialised as one, I had to be one, right?

    Then 2020 happened. Lockdown came and I was on my own. I had the time and space to listen..really listen. And then it occurred to me that the reason I couldn't ever ever get rid these feelings of wanting to be a girl was that, well...I am one. And always have been.

    Instantly, I felt elated. And terrified.

    At first I thought I was losing my mind. So I let the revelation 'settle'. Slowly, I began to tell other people. Then one day I told a friend what my chosen name was. 'I'm so pleased to meet you Beth' she said and gave me the best hug I've ever had and I felt a surge of joy coursing through my body. I couldn't stop smiling!

    That was my rubicon moment. After that there was no turning back.

    So Vivi, think about what you really want deep down. Listen. Try out a name on yourself. Think about the woman you want to be. Imagine what you'd like your life to be like as a woman. Does that thought make you happy? Feel your way towards what you want.

    And to quote Mr Bowie: the moment you know/ you know, you know..

    Good luck!

    Beth x
     
    #2 chicodeoro, Jan 30, 2023
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  3. Rayland

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    Hello and welcome to the EC! :slight_smile:

    I am biologically female. I came out to myself at my 30th birthday. It has been almost 2 years. I have known I was different since kindergarten, but I didn't know how to put these feelings into words and feared peoples reaction, if I acted differently, so I stayed in denial. I stayed in this box society had formed.
    When I came out to myself it all hit me pretty hard. I was terrified, because when I looked into mirror, then I saw my true self stuck inside my female shell. My body had became a prison to me. I was shaking inside and I cried a lot. I started doing research online to give these feelings a name and then I discovered EC. By talking others and reading other peoples stories made me trace all of my experiences way back to kindergarten and it felt like all the puzzle pieces fell into place. The me who was lost had gained an identity. The fog was lifted and I experienced euphoria, like I had never experienced before. There has been lots of doubting and self denying. At the beginning I tried to deny all of it again, because of my environment. My country is conservative and people here value traditional beliefs. My own father is a homophobe too and he said therapy is pointless, but I go to therapy anyway, because it has helped me. Because of it all I haven't felt safe to come out yet. I have told my best friend and luckily she was fine with it. I told her through email and that took a lot of courage. It all has given me pretty bad depression and anxiety. I am seeing a psychiatrist regularly and am on medication that helps with my anxiety and panic attacks. I also get dysphoria and it makes me very emotional, so I just try to distract myself. I do have plans of coming out eventually, but first I need to let go all of my fears. My dysphoria wasn't clear at all at first, because I didn't understand what was going on at all and didn't felt real disgust to my body parts either. I just experienced euphoria, but neither euphoria or dysphoria is required. You just have to feel it, that things don't match up.

    I hope this gave you a little idea of who I am and a knowing that you are not alone. Whenever you wish to talk, then you now have this safe place to vent or talk about any topic you want or ask any questions about figuring out your identity. I would be happy, if I could be helpful to you any way at all. I know how hard it all can get. Good luck and I hope this helped a bit. Hugs.

    Rain
     
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  4. Incoming

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    Gender identity lies on a broad spectrum. In the coming months or years, you might decide that you are indeed transgender, and choose to transform yourself into a woman. (Even so, you would still have choices - to transition medically, or continue living with your inherited male characteristics? to come out publicly, or limit yourself to private self-expression?)

    But what if you have several selves that coexist to varying degrees, depending on the time and circumstance ?

    Give yourself the freedom to explore. Eventually the answers will come.

    Above all, be safe - the Bible belt can be an unforgiving place. Never believe anyone who uses religion as a weapon against you. Keep coming back here for support.
     
    #4 Incoming, Jan 31, 2023
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  5. Owin nowicki

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    Hmmm,well its long,complicated and a tough journey but here's a few simple questions that might help:
    Do I feel better in clothing that does not fit my biological sex?
    Do I flinch/feel uncomfortable when I hear my current/dead name being called?
    If I could have been born (preferred gender),would I?
    Do I feel uncomfortable with current/past pronouns being used for me?
    When I am called (non-gender matching term) do I feel hurt?
    This is a good start. (NOTE:gender euphoria is also important,ask yourself if you would be happier with the gender you wish you were and remember:mascs can be wanna be fem and fems can wanna be Mascs
    Sometimes too!) Much love and hope this helps
     
  6. Vivi Steele

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    I appreciate everyone's time and help with me.

    Ultimately, it seems I need to listen to my inner self. I'm not sure how to go about it, because conservative families typically don't believe in mental health and I've practically locked it up. But if I know me, I've winged it this far and I'll wing it too!

    As for religion, it has only ever been used as a weapon so, that's partly why I became atheist. Or rather it started me on the path to becoming atheist I should say. The reasons go beyond it.

    As for the questions some gave me, you have to keep in mind that I've both numbed myself and live in a somewhat abusive family. So things like hearing my dead name or old pronouns when everyone around me has for several years, it's really hard for me to tell. Again, I'll have to go back and drag my inner self out of the box I put them in. That said, I do believe I had gender euphoria when I was called a "ma'am" by accident (or I atleast thought I was.)

    Final thing I'll address is the multiple selves part (I believe you're referring to gender fluidity), I've thought about this too, but the things I experience seem to be too consistent whenever I do think about it. That said, I'll keep it in consideration as I continue forward on this journey.

    Again, thank you all for your help. So far, the conclusion seems to be more increasingly yes. I just now wonder where my doubts come from. If it's just my fears or something else. I think my inner self will also have those answers.
     
  7. quebec

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    Vivi Steele.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) :old_big_grin: when that becomes necessary!

    *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Gender Identity and Expression”, there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. I'm sure that you have watched trans youtubers...but just in case, here are some favorites of mine that you might like: MtF: Victoria Rose, Riley J. Dennis Renna Williams, Alexamarilla, Robin jaspers.

    Some info on how to navigate EC:
    When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: :old_cool:

    *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.

    *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! :old_rolleyes: If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message.

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  8. chicodeoro

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    Hey Vivi, it's completely natural to have doubts. I know I still do every now and then. But then I ask myself the question: 'could I live the rest of my life as a male?' And the answer every time is no.

    Beth x
     
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  9. SyIveon

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    We all doubt ourselfs. Simply, what pronouns match you, what lifestyle etc.
     
  10. Owin nowicki

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    Haha yea I have religious trauma and dealt/still deal with this same stuff too.
    As for the doubts,it's natural and having them probably means you're really thinking about who you are,which is very important in realizing who YOU are. If you push past your doubts (IMO) that's probably a good sign.
    Much love! Hope this helps
     
  11. Vivi Steele

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    It took me a while to come to what my ultimate concern was, so here we go.

    I'm afraid that I'm identifying as trans as a way to justify/escape my depression, rather than becoming who I truly am. It's just hard to determine for me because I let some many things go and I'm numb a lot of the times. I present myself online and have been called by my preferred name in voice, and it's almost as though I don't feel that different between the two. However at the same time, I was called "Ma'am" on accident when I was younger and felt... something that I can't describe.

    I still have to find the time to listen to myself, but that's probably just going to have to wait until I get out of my family's house. I definitely do need to go to therapy, but I don't know if I trust the bible belt with that.
     
  12. QOTH

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    This all definitely sounds like something that you should talk to a therapist about. Chicodeoro pointed out all the questions that you need to ask yourself. It sounds like that's what you are doing, a lot of things can be figured out through introspection but sometimes you need help. That's the job of a therapist.

    I don't know the extent of your family's closemindedness but they may be willing to provide therapy if you ask. Then you might choose an online therapy source where you can get connected with a therapist from somewhere you trust.

    I know this sounds like a longshot and I am naive for putting that advice forth.
    I will say that even if the advice is naive it's always worth it to ask.
     
  13. QOTH

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    I forgot to add this in my original reply but thank you, Vivi, for your original post and all those who have responded. I've been struggling and thinking about similar doubts myself and I wish there was some trans check list that I could do. I just want a yes or no answer to whether I'm a woman or feminine man.

    I understand how frustrating it is not having answers and I wish you the best of luck in finding yours.
     
  14. 74andHome

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    My first post here. I’m so curious and more scared than I want to be. Here I am a 74yo ‘man’, retired for a year and a half and having to finally face the reality I have run from all my life. I have known I was bi-sexual or totally gender-confused since I was a child. My mother knew it and I let her convince me that I needed to be a strong young man and play sports and that dressing in her clothes wouldn’t work anymore. That started at age 5. She told me it had to stop around my 10th year, but I didn’t care. I loved watching her dress. I kept dressing just like her in secret through high school. Although I had a few sexual encounters with men, I became aggressive and pushed them away after our first encounter. I wanted to be a woman with another man. And I wanted to be a man with another woman. Now my history won’t let me ignore the dilemma. I have been married 4 times. The current marriage has lasted over 30 years but now that I have time on my hands, I can’t get away from myself. I have to do something. My current wife and I have a supportive relationship but it’s not been close for over 15 years. She knows nothing about my dilemma and I don’t know how to tell her. We rarely have sexual encounters because it’s boring and repetitive for both us. I spend way too much time wishing and fantasizing I had breasts and a vagina and at the same time want to have sex with women like ‘normal’. I am so confused. I’ve been seeing a therapist for almost a year and she suggested I find this forum and seek connection with others. I have never told anyone beyond my Mother how I feel (she never really heard me, although she didn’t mind showing her body to me on a regular basis and pretending to be embarrassed, and I am so totally confused about what’s coming at me now. Am I just crazy, fucked up or what!?
     
  15. chicodeoro

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    Hello 74andConfused. No, you're not crazy or f***ed up. You're not weird, strange or perverted either. You're like me. For decades I thought I was all of those things because from a young age I had yearned deeply, silently that I could be a girl.

    With me I had a complete disconnect. On one hand I knew I had this deep dark secret inside my heart. But was I transgender? No no no! I was just a 'normal' bloke. I was in a heterosexual relationship with a woman so I was 'normal', I could forget all this strange rubbish that had been flying around in the head for decades.

    Then 2020 happened. My partner died suddenly. Lockdown. I was on my own with no other company than the truth. That's when I finally faced up to myself. Maybe the reason I had silently yearned to be a girl all these years was...because I was one. And had been all my life.

    So yes, lots of what you've written about had me nodding my head in recognition. But don't be scared. Have a look around the boards and past threads. We are a friendly, very supportive bunch here, of LGTBQ+ people from all over the world.

    As to what you do about your dilemma..I don't know. Therapy sounds like it is a good idea. Feel your way towards an answer. Don't be afraid to ask questions and seek answers. And remember it is never too late to become the person you were always meant to be.

    Good luck, my friend.

    Beth x
     
  16. 74andHome

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    OMG Beth! Thank you so much. I never thought I would be able to share this side of me with anyone. Right now, I’m so excited! I thought I was out of it and wacko. But, the fact is with this much time on my hand I can’t hide from myself any longer. I have recently bought breast enhancers and a bra. I hope to start wearing them in public soon. I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life not being me. In addition, Texas is not a safe place to put it all our there. If I can do it here, I can do it anywhere. Bless you Beth! ~Confused (maybe not so much now)
     
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  17. chicodeoro

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    You're welcome, 74! I'm glad I've helped in some small way.

    Austin is the groovy liberal enclave within deepest red Texas, right? You'll be fine.

    Try not to think of it like that. Remember that people of our age (I'm 53) were brought up in an era when being transgender was culturally beyond the pale. We were regarded as freaks, perverts, subhuman monstrosities, really. And who'd want to be one of those? There is no way I could have possibly come out any sooner than I did.

    The past is behind us, but the future is unwritten and full of exciting possibilities. For all of us.

    PM me any time if you want to chat further.

    Beth x
     
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  18. 74andHome

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    Thank you Beth! I was so nervous writing the first post an actually scared but at the same time writing my truth for the first time. I’ve kept that secret this whole time, but now I feel like I’ve begun to free myself from my fear and shame. You’re so right about the attitude back in the 50’s, 60’s, etc. I remember cringing when guys would talk about the freaks who were coming out in the 70’s and they should be sent to some kind of freak colony. This forum has brought me enormous relief and I’ve only been here 2 days. Thanks again for your support. ~74
     
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