Sorry for being a taker

I'm so sorry to hear this! It breaks my heart, honestly! I cannot imagine the stress and I wish I could offer greater guidance than this, but I will ask you, please, do not abandon this journey!

You have to see that your suicidal ideation is directly caused by this dysphoria. Some of that is gender dysphoria, some of that is the dysphoria of depression - which I understand well. Both are overwhelming you.

This path will only end in some form of destruction. I would be remiss if I didn't say something. This is not for my sake or my validation. I don't need you to be one of us to know who I am. But you know who are, too. This is a plea for your sake.

You're committing to perpetual self-denial. You will live as something you are not. This will come at the cost of tremendous mental strain and emotional anguish. You will not be happy and that will keep you from anything you want to achieve otherwise.

Trust me; I've known depression well. It can't be bootstrapped or wished away, it'll bring you down and take everyone you love with it.

If I may be frank, and with no offense intended, it seems to me like you're shutting down and, directly, making rash decisions. I understand why; the stress of living betwixt and between is Hellish. You know what's worse? Living an untruth. You know that already. That's why you're here.

And you're not a taker. You're a normal human being with a family to care for and a heart to guard from sadness. And you've got your share of that right now.

As always, I will respect you no less for the decision you make, but I cannot say I feel it is the correct one and I am very worried for you as a result.

Please stay strong and believe in yourself. I love you, I truly do. You're my sister in this and we'll find a way. Just don't give up, okay?

Sending hugs

 

I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad too, it's the worst! You're not a taker so please stop with that toxic mentality. I hope you keep going and are a supportive, loving parent for your kids. Read or listen to "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" to learn how to do it better for them and for you too. Maybe one of them or their kids someday might be queer of some variety, so you could be sure they know they're loved no matter what and to be authentic to self actualize and spread more joy in the world. I get not wanting to be alive too and hope you'll feel better with therapy, meds and that you can talk about all this with your wife and us anytime.

 

What Lydia said - 100%.

Ok number one - you're not a taker. You're a trans woman who, by the sounds of it, is under immense strain and is suffering dysphoria. All of us here on EC give as much as our respective energies allow. Please don't be so down on yourself.

Could you give us some indication as to how and why you have made this commitment? As Rayland said, I was under the impression that things were looking up after you came out to her...

Self sacrifice is something you seem to be prone to. But, Static, please - your happiness is just as important as your wife's or your children's or anyone else's. Parenting and relationships are a balancing act, I know. They require give and take. For example, I knew I couldn't come out to my stepson before he was 16. But there is no way I am going to remain in the closet forever for him. After the shock and the tears, and with the distance of time, hopefully he will see that it will be a decision I have to make FOR ME.

Because we only get one life and it's incumbent on us to make it as extraordinary and wonderful and full of love as we possibly can.

Hugs, Beth x

 

I have a slightly different take on this. I'm also not trans, so I apologize if I offend anyone.

A deep dive into human history, even things as close to ones own family history, and we see an endless list of examples of people who endured much hardship and suffering through their lives and still managed to live and even enjoy life as a whole. Some of these may have suffered from depression, some may have even considered or even attempted suicide. Some are famous, some are nobodies. Some did great things for this world in one way or another, while others did not, and some of these people continue to live and exist today. They live a life bearing a cross of some sort, and still live a life that can be considered a success on some level. I won't judge or say that you cannot be fulfilled by a decision to sacrifice something in order to hold onto or gain other things that clearly have made your life better, or even adds meaning. A wife, children, a career, the friends you have, opportunities unrealized, all of these things are to some people luxuries and treasures. The rhetoric of " not living a lie," and "take care of self," can sound compelling, and even held in high regard in this modern western culture that preaches validation as a virtue we all deserve and need, and must have at ALL Costs. But what if that cost is the burning down of everything else that we hold dear, and have built a life to protect, serve, live for, and yes, even dare to dream about? The mindset of a person who leaves it all behind to chase a dream is not better or worse than the mindset of the one who seeks to live for others, or the one who seeks to protect what they already have. Yes, taking care of self, and mental well being is super important. How can one be an effective father, for example, if they are needlessly suffering and that suffering stays unresolved and plays out in everyday life? There is no easy answer here, but I know that what you are doing isn't anything many others have not done throughout time, and still managed to survive and even lead a fulfilled life. For every person who has lost all that they hold dear for the sake of self tranquility, I often wonder if that equates to a real serenity, or if it's something we just convince ourselves of, because no one can lose family, friends, job, etc., and not feel some remorse, regret, and doubt over their decisions. In my estimation, a trans person is among the bravest of humans. You are essentially either holding onto scars to keep others from forming, or you are creating scars to eliminate the ones you already have. It's sort of like "The Boulevard of Broken Dreams," but the key point of the song isn't that he walks alone, it's that he's still walking. I hope this encourages you in some way, and I hope I've not offended those who feel this isn't a correct way of thinking.

 

Why can't you have it all? That sounds similar to taker/giver indoctrination. Why must one dream destroy the other? Again a win/lose mentality. Bandwidth is something real so be careful to not overload yourself for sure. Okay so you focus on career and it helps you enjoy life as it is now so you're still around to love your kids unconditionally and teach them to love themselves and others regardless of Kinsey number, gender identity or whatever ways sad people try to demonize us.

Sounds like it went well coming out to your wife so what's going on there and going to a therapist? I think regular therapy might help a lot of people like regular dentistry helps avoid major problems later. You probably learned a lot of unhelpful beliefs from growing up too and that book I mentioned really helped make me more aware of the damage they cause throughout society and history. I notice the damaging behavior from people all around so it's interesting to learn about that and can see how I could have turned out much better had my parents tried to learn how to do it better. They did the same shitty things their parents did thinking they turned out fine lol. You can do better!

 

I can see your reasoning, Static. Indeed I have stopped myself from applying for jobs whilst I'm 'in between personas'. BUT there is no reason once you do find a position in a company you feel comfortable with, you can come out and be you. Most tech companies have trans-friendly policies these days and very many people from my own support group in London work in that field.

What I'm saying, I guess, is don't look at it as a zero sum game. What is the point in climbing up the career ladder if you're deeply unhappy inside?

Beth x

 

I believe you've been given a lot to think about already, but I simply must ask: You're not turning down the chance to be grateful, but are you still turning down your pursuit of self-actualization?

There is a lot to be said for the nobility of self-sacrifice and it's an old tradition, as has been pointed out, yet I feel it must be mentioned that the best way to navigate life and do the most good for those around you is to be your best self. Be the best you that you can be.

Do you feel confident that you can be the best possible person you could be and also surrender this truth? I remind you, this is a truth that came bursting out of well into your family life; one, based on your joined date, you've struggled with now for almost 2 years.

You know by now some truths won't be denied and frankly I would find an affirmative perplexing, but I still wouldn't judge you. I truly want what's best. If that involves sacrifice for you, I am sorry and you have my respect. But you're not putting something trivial on the slab here, either.

Think about it. I'll love you as my sibling regardless.

Hugs to you and good vibes to you and yours