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Hi there - Could you please help me? I'm a little lost...

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by The Green Zebra, Mar 11, 2023.

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  1. The Green Zebra

    The Green Zebra
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    Hello everyone.

    The title might sound a little odd but it might make a bit more sense soon...

    I've been identifying as bisexual for many years because I was convinced that that is what I am. I've stumbled upon a new (to me) word/description recently: Gynesexual (also spelled gynosexual). This is not the same as lesbian but until I've figured myself out, that'll do.

    The reason for this post is my sudden dislike in sex with men. But the confusing part is, that is all I have known (sexually and romantically) aside from kissing and dating women. I am grossed out thinking about ever being intimate with men again. Yet I get butterflies when thinking about being intimate with women. I of course have had no experiences with women other than kissing.

    That is why I feel a little better about not slapping on the lesbian label and calling it a day, but instead, as a placeholder, I am identifying as gynesexual. It's not necessarily only linked to attraction to women, it's about femininity as a whole, which could include men too. I know many lesbians who I could ask these embarrassing questions to but I don't want to be so blunt with them, or sound dumb or attention-seeking. Could someone pleeeaaase advise me or just share a personal journey with me so I can get closer to figuring this out? TIA
     
    #1 The Green Zebra, Mar 11, 2023
  2. Wanderlost

    Wanderlost
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    I'm not sure I understand this comment:

    Are you saying that all you have known sexually and romantically is men with the exception being kissing and dating women? If so then that sounds like a partial inconsistency. Can you clarify this?

    I'm not sure I have a story that helps you clarify anything because all these labels make my head spin. I can only say that I once identified as Bi, but had only dated and been romantically attracted to guys up until that point. You should be aware that even the Lesbian orientation is defined differently depending on what website you're looking at. So to me, I think we are getting more lost in translation than enlightened. I'm not trying to invalidate you here. I'm just saying that this process will take awhile, and I have a suspicion that eventually we are headed to a place without any label at all, even heterosexual will be antiquated. I would say that you do you. I mean, if you feel like the term "lesbian" is to limiting right now, then no worries, the placeholder you have is fine.

    I identify as pansexual, but it's not that straight forward, (it never is) my preferences shift more with the who rather than the what. I think I am more physically attracted to women, but that doesn't mean that the physical parts of men turn me off. So while I am more pan than Bi, I lean towards the feminine behaviors, personalities, and physical attributes of women. Adding to the confusion here is that a masculine man is also very attractive to me, I'm just not sure I would prefer that over a female if given a choice, but that choice has more to do with personal connection than anything else. This might also be called Chemistry. While I am a very sexual person I value a romantic connection more. I know this probably doesn't help you in the least, but I'm still early in my journey as well, so just know that you are not alone.
     
    #2 Wanderlost, Mar 11, 2023
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  3. Mirko

    Mirko
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    Hi there! Welcome to Empty Closets.

    One question that came to my mind while reading through your post: have you dated or been with a man before that leads you to the realisation that you have come to?

    It sounds like you have but at the same time it seems you are aware of being attracted to females. There is a statement in your post that would confirm it.

    I guess the question you could explore further is: Where do your attractions lie? When you experience the butterflies in your stomach, can you see yourself in a relationship with a woman, do you feel attracted in a physical sense as well as emotionally?
     
    #3 Mirko, Mar 11, 2023
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  4. danna19

    danna19
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    It sounds like you are going through a process of self-discovery and questioning your sexual orientation, which can be a confusing and challenging journey. It's important to remember that there is no right or wrong way to identify, and your identity may change and evolve over time.

    Gynesexual refers to someone who is attracted to femininity regardless of gender, which can include women, non-binary individuals, and even some men who exhibit feminine qualities. It's important to note that gynesexual is not a commonly used term, and not everyone may be familiar with it.

    It's okay to take your time to figure out your sexual orientation and explore your feelings and attractions. It's also okay to use labels as a way to understand and communicate your identity, but remember that labels can be limiting and may not capture the full complexity of your experiences.

    If you feel comfortable, you can try talking to a trusted friend, therapist, or LGBTQ+ support group about your experiences and feelings. It can also be helpful to read about other people's personal journeys and experiences to gain insight and perspective.

    Ultimately, only you can determine your sexual orientation and what label, if any, feels right for you. Trust your instincts and take the time to explore and understand your feelings and attractions.
     
    #4 danna19, Mar 12, 2023
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  5. The Green Zebra

    The Green Zebra
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    Yes! You summed it up perfectly.
    I'll be 35 in July and have had numerous male partners, not all of them being committed relationships.

    I grew up being a tomboy and that has never really changed. Of course many tomboys are heterosexual so don't get me wrong. I've always preferred male friends over female ones and for that reason, I thought that maybe it's because I'm attracted to men...

    I've kissed around 5 or 6 women over the years but have predominately dated and slept with men. And of course it doesn't exactly help that society is mostly geared towards heterosexuality. I grew up in a strict religious home and I still call myself a Christian. But that's a whole nother can of worms.........

    I can look at men and appreciate them for what they are but I'm no longer interested in seeing them naked, or doing anything with them that involves mutual nudity. That said, I get flustered and shy when I talk to women. It used to be that way with men but like I said, I think it is partially attributed to heteronormativity and partially due to the way I was raised. I know that times are changing, and society is becoming a teensy bit more accepting of queerness.

    I'm just scared that my attractions will change again a few years on. Or like "they" say... "You just haven't met the right man yet". I stumbled upon a very cool phrase: "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle" Which basically means that a [woman] can lead a happy and completely independent life without a man. I am going to say that to a high school friend of mine the next time she asks me if I have a man yet
     
    #5 The Green Zebra, Mar 12, 2023
  6. Wanderlost

    Wanderlost
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    Okay, so I think I understand what you're saying now. It could be that you are just fluid with your sexual and/or romantic attraction and it's moving away from men right now. This has happened to me too, but I think for me it has more to do with a voluntary desire as apposed to an involuntary one. While it might be fine to act on voluntary desires, I would not confuse that with you're actual orientation, which is based on what you can't control rather than what you can. Sorta like deciding to date women is not the same as falling for a woman. It could be true that you've not yet found the right man, but it could also be true that you've yet to find the right woman. I think you've had some great comments here from people who know more about the topic than I do.

    One thing that helped me come to terms with my own orientation is a lot of soul searching about what is and is not possible for me to feel towards the various sexes and genders, discounting all outside influences like comp het, expectations, world views, and pressures.
     
    #6 Wanderlost, Mar 12, 2023
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  7. quebec

    quebec
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    Green Zebra.....Closets! :old_smile: I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) :old_big_grin: when that becomes necessary!

    *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here. I hope that you'll find good things here too! In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation”, there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. You seem to be concerned about a label...and that's okay. Some of us feel the need for a label (I'm one), but there really isn't any need to push yourself into finding a label if you're not really ready to settle on one. There's nothing at all wrong with not having a label at all...if that works for you...what ever you're most comfortable with is just fine. Label or not, we're glad to have you here on Empty Closets! :old_smile:

    Some info on how to navigate EC:
    When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: :old_cool:

    *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.

    *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! :old_rolleyes: If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message.

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #7 quebec, Mar 12, 2023
  8. The Green Zebra

    The Green Zebra
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    Thank you all for the warm welcome and the very helpful replies!

    For the biggest part of my dating/romance/sexual life, it has been with men.

    I had my first makeout session with a girl when I was 12. My second makeout session with a girl was when I was 16. Then again about 2 years later, and after that, when I was mid-20s. I've always felt "different" and knew that the way I feel about my female friends were not what "just" friends feel. It wasn't until the second makeout session that I realized, "Wait a minute - I like this".

    Sounds pretty straightforward and obvious but because of my strict religious upbringing, I knew that my family would not accept it. So that was put on the back burner. But moving 10 hours away from, basically, what I was used to (men), brought on a whole new perspective of how I define attraction and dating preferences and -interests. I recently started a new job and I was able to build a new me in a way. Without definitely saying that I'm gay, I've dropped hints here and there and of course having a more masculine haircut and a neutral "dress sense" it's actually pretty obvious if someone were to stop and think.

    And using a gender neutral shortened version of a feminine name, just adds to the whole persona. I like the freedom it gives and I think with all of these subtle and not-so-subtle changes, I'm really blossoming into my true self. Possible? Maybe. Yes.
     
    #8 The Green Zebra, Mar 16, 2023
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