Hi, I'm 13 and I realized that I was trans almost a year ago, and ever since I've been getting more and more worried about when I should come out. I wish I could just right now, but I feel like I should wait until school ends and do it in the Summer. On the other hand, I've been incredibly stressed about it lately and I want to be able to tell my parents as soon as possible. I'd rather not tell any of my friends, since I don't really have to many close friends, rather just some people that I talk with every now and then. So I don't really know what any of their responses would be. I think that my parents would do anything drastic like disown me, but I'm scared that they might not fully accept it and ignore my decision, or stop talking to me for a while. And I am even more worried about my grandparents' reaction, since I have heard them saying how they, "don't like gay people, I think it's just wrong, god made us this way" etc... On top of all of that I have to worry about my little sister's reaction, I have no idea how she would respond. I want to wait until the Summer so that I don't have to worry about school or anyone else finding out. I'm considering telling one of my friends, since she seems like the only person who could keep a secret. The part that has been worrying me most is how I should let my family know. I'm considering just slowly transitioning my whole style, but typically whenever I try to buy something more feminine my parents try and talk me out of it. My only real way to do this would to be through my appearance, since I don't talk with my parents to much.(I'll admit, I spend waayyy to much time playing games) I am also thinking about weather or not I should start changing my voice, I can already make my voice sound almost exactly like a girl, but I don't know about how I should just slowly get higher, because I am very socially awkward and if I mess up speaking I get incredibly nervous and feel every word I said in the conversation has just been invalidated.
Panbo.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Gender Identity and Expression”, there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. I'm sure that you have watched trans youtubers...but just in case, here are some favorites of mine that you might like: MtF: Victoria Rose, Riley J. Dennis, Renna Williams, Robin jaspers, Gigi Gorgeous. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
Panbo.....Coming out can be wonderful and terrible. Occasionally at the same time! Some important factors in deciding when to come out are: *****Come out when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone push you into it if you are not at the place where coming out is right for you. *****Don't come out if there is a real chance that you will be in danger. That includes being kicked out of your house, having no way to support yourself, having all privileges (phone, computer, friends, etc.) taken away, being verbally or emotionally abused as well as the danger of physical abuse. Waiting can be very difficult, but your safety and emotional well-being are more important. You are 13 years old...there is a long time until you are a legal adult. Even though waiting might be really difficult, living in a house where there is constant conflict because you came out and your parents did not accept it could easily be much worse. You have to make that decision and in many cases waiting for a while until you will be taken more seriously is a much better choice. I'm not saying that you have to wait, I just think that you should give it serious consideration. A lot depends on how you think your parents will handle your revelation. Many parents just don't think that someone your age is able to make such a serious decision. They often assume that it's a "phase", that will go away, or that it's something that kids sometimes do to get attention, etc. You will have to carefully gauge how you think your parents will react. This is something that is very serious...coming out too soon can make your life very difficult. At the same time, there are parents who will listen to their kids and seriously pay attention to how they feel. As I've said, you have to weigh all of these factors in making your decision. My best advice to you is to not get in a hurry...take your time making this very important decision. Here are some other thoughts I have about your situation. *****Being out in middle school/high school is easier now than it used to be...but depending on your school and your relationship with other students, it can still be a problem. Try to evaluate these things and see what you seriously think about the results of coming out would be. Sometimes waiting...even when it is so difficult...is the only safe way to come out. *****You might want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes to tell your parents. A big plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. That can be a very big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can sometimes be difficult. Coming out in writing means you will not be interrupted or face a barrage of questions that you need to answer immediately, in the heat of the moment. You get time and they get time too and that counts for a lot. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about your sexuality, perhaps for years…giving them at least some time to think about it too only seems fair! There are some great sample coming out letters here on Empty Closets that could be a big help to you. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! You can then use the letter as a "script" for when you do come out face-to-face. Check out the letters (see below)...they could be a real help! *****Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, your parents and/or friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're trans?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal depending upon your family and friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or six probable questions with the answers already planned, you will likely be perceived as a more mature, serious person. *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you! .....David
Thank you for your concern, I know it might sound like it's not as big of a deal as some other people go through, but my parents are not abusive at all, so that's not what i'm worried about. As you said, I'm worried they might label it as a "phase" or say that "I'm to young to make such a big decision". Thanks for the advice by the way, I'm now thinking I should just leave them a letter before I leave for school. Now I just have to think of what to write and when to do it.
Hey Panbo. First of all, I just wanted to say I am proud of you for reaching out on EC after reading your story I am sorry your family aren’t supportive of LGBTQ+ people, it must make it even more difficult for you! But I think that if you wanted to come out to your family/friends it might be a good idea to do it in a letter because you can take the time to think about what you want to say; also safety is very important. If you are worried in any way, maybe consider waiting a bit to come out. Everything is at your pace and we are all here for you. Coming out was very scary for me too, my family have always been very supportive of the LGBTQ+ community but it was still terrifying so I can’t imagine what it’s like for you but it you ever want to talk you can always talk to me I’m not trans but I will always try to help if you wanted it, if not I can just listen. There are so many lovely people on EC that will help you too! By the way, i’m Loz
sorry I wasn’t clear, I meant if you are worried about any consequences maybe wait a bit. But remember everything is at your pace
it's all good, I have decided I am going to leave my parents with a letter on Wednesday. And you don't have to be concerned for my safety, my parents are pretty nice, I am just worried about if they would not take me seriously, and because if 0 social skills, I wouldn't always be in the state to argue. I am going to leave them the letter right before I leave for school so they have time to read it and think about it for 8 hours.
also I didn’t mean to imply I didn’t think you were safe so i’m sorry it came across that way! Good luck
Just told my mom via letter this morning. She got home like 20 mins ago and I had a talk with her. It went well, she understood, just asked me a few questions about who iv'e told, what I meant by trans. I'm really glad she understood and didn't try and talk me out of it.
Panbo.....I am really happy for you! It's so great to hear that your mom was accepting and wanted to know more. You are very fortunate to have such a cool and understanding mom! Please keep us updated on how this continues to play out as hearing how things can turn out good can be a real encouragement to people here on EC! ***Happy*** ***Happy*** ***Happy*** ***Happy*** ! .....David
Wow Panbo well done! That to me sounds like a very positive result - I'm pleased for you! Hugs, Beth x
Panbo, my first thought is your 13. That’s neither good nor bad by any means. But, you have a lot of time to work things through. Although it doesn’t seem like it for you I’m sure. I also hear you eager to tell your parents. So, what if you waited awhile and spent time exploring your sexuality and talking with others in the same boat your in? That can mean a lot of things. Part of that might be understanding the world you live in and how to deal well with the issues that will come up when you come out. Arizona is a pretty redneck state. I live in Texas and it’s a super challenge here. I’m wondering if there are teen support groups where you live? Maybe getting some feedback from others who have already gone through what you will be doing. What do you think?
Okay, I didn’t read the whole thread. I see you told your Mom. Sounds really positive. Still might consider a support group if you interested.
