I'm still not ok, getting even worse actually

I want to thank you for being honest here, and know that I'm so proud of you for being brave enough to be honest. I really hope you stick with this thread and take the advice and support you're given as seriously as possible.

This isn't going to get any better just surviving it, you have to fight, and realize that you're not alone in that fight. However - while I have no right to share more of your story - I do believe that if they knew the true extent of things, they'd be as afraid for you as I am.

If you can't be strong alone, be part of a strong group, and I know most of you well enough to say I think you're all a lot stronger than you give yourselves credit for, even those who find little value in themselves.

You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for, Jack. I know you feel like you're weak, but you're your own Atlas right now, weight of the world lashed to your back and bearing down on you, and you resent yourself because your legs are trembling?

I know it's taken me a lot to believe in myself as much as I do now, and I've still got miles to go before I have what I could call genuine confidence, but I wish I could take you even half as far as I've gotten. You'd see yourself in such a different light, you'll be amazed what you're capable of in just coming that far.

I love you endlessly, and I won't give up. I won't give up on any of you! We can do this! Believe in yourselves, and - even if you can't - believe in each other. Believe in us, together, as a group. The rest will come with time.

 

Sorry Jack as you know I'm on holiday, so I'm snatching time going on EC and haven't seen this until now.

You know how much I admire you just for simply surviving. Lydia is right - you are strong. Just by getting to the end of every day you're doing an amazing thing. That's what friends said to me in 2020 when I was at my lowest ebb and felt just...lost. Since then things have got a whole lot better for me. And they will for you too.

You know I think you need to get out, and that will take time. But don't lose sight of that goal. Keep it in your heart. You will be free, eventually.

Please don't give up. I consider you a dear friend now and the idea that you've been thinking such thoughts makes me so sad.

Big big hugs, Jack. Hang in there. As Lydia said, we won't give up on you. We will get through this - all of us.

Beth xxx

 

I don't have all the facts - though I hear echoes of so many other horror stories that it sounds depressingly familiar.

It would be too glib to spout out some version of "you have to get out and start over". Obviously it's not that simple, due to family ties, financial limitations, mental exhaustion, psychological terror.

But based on the text I just quoted, I have to ask you, in devil's advocate fashion: what better choice do you have ?

Your environment is apparently so toxic that it is squeezing the life out of you, one day at a time, and now one cut at a time.

I remember the days of "experimenting" with small knife wounds on my arms. (I was an art major so I was using a super-fine X-acto blade).
It was innocent enough first, a way to feel empowered.

A few years after that, I was sitting on a New York City subway platform with my legs dangling over the edge, the sound of a train approaching. I got up with less than 30 seconds to spare. My so-called friends had just been watching, 2 or 3 meters behind me.

Leaving and starting over can be disastrous, too. But it saved my life.

All I'm suggesting is don't rule it out, Tiny. Keep the door of hope open, at least wide enough to let in a crack of light.

 

Hey TW, I'm really sorry you've been feeling so down, the pain and all the struggles you've been going through. It's not fair and it's not your fault! It's tragic that kind people, like us, who are just trying to live our lives in peace and love, are demonized, beaten down and taught to be cruel and angry like those who try to destroy us. We'd all be better off if we were encouraged to be authentic and self actualize rather than expect, force everyone to conform to some box that other people decided was acceptable. Your reaction is normal for how you're being treated and feeling stuck. It's inhumane to keep an animal in an isolated cage, not big enough to stand up in and breathe, but that's how it feels to us sometimes and all the other people who have been chained down, whether literally or systemically, by societies throughout human history. You are feeling angry, sad, frustrated, which I think are normal human responses to your situation so it's justified!

You deserve attention and help from others just like anyone does, or were you taught everyone should be self sufficient? You're never an annoyance and should post whatever you want. The threats of violence are insane and they need mental health help. Are there any LGBTQ shelters or resources in your state that could help you somehow? Hang in there and keep talking about whatever you want

 

I' m not good at writing and can't come up with a clever response, but I'm sending a huge virtual hug. It's awful what you habe to go through. Your mom's comment wasn't very thoughtful either. From experience... it's nonsense, once you move out, the depression will subside. You're just under constant stress, that's why you're feeling this way. She's finding false arguments that fit her world view.

 

Hey sending hugs your way too and I'm sorry you got so down again. It sounds like she doesn't know you're depressed? If you said you've been feeling depressed and don't want to wake up most days, what would she say? Great choice on taking a shower and I hope you feel better.

 

Here's a big hug all the way from London Town and me - ((((((Jack))))))

Interesting that your mom mentioned moving out. Sounds like even she knows that this situation is untenable in the long run...

You did the right thing posting on EC today, instead of cutting. We all love you. We'll always be in your corner.

Beth xxx

 

I've caught up on this topic. It started before I was a member here. I don't know you Jack, but it sounds like you're the kind of person I'd love to know, and you deserve to be known. As dark as your mindset can be, there is light in who you are. Since I don't know you I'm always wary about giving any sort of advice to a person who may be suicidal at times and suffering from oppression, abuse, and depression. It's not a world I'm familiar with so I feel very inept and under qualified. But I will say that I do like the direction you are aiming towards. I think you've realized that your current situation is unmaintainable for various reasons, but most of all for your own safety. Get help and do whatever it takes to find a way to get that help. I think in my mind saving your life is worth the struggle and challenge to change it. The act of preparing a path to a better life is a therapy we all need.

 

Hey so we've spoken about this but I just wanted to say you're doing all the right things and you're being incredibly brave right now. Like Rayland says, seeking help and making plans is such a massive step in itself. Keep us posted, stay safe and remember we're all on your side.

 

Hey TW I'm so happy for you and all these wonderful developments!! I didn't know your friends at work knew about all this, but omg the cake with your name is super sweet! You're doing so amazing

 

Sounds like things are getting better. Getting help from the right person/s/group is essential to healing. We want to do it by ourselves I believe because we don’t trust. A good therapist would be really helpful about now. Doing it ourselves has often proven to create more problems than solving them, But you’re here and we’re in the same boat you are one way or another. We are kindred spirits trying to find our healing and helping each other take the next step. Come on the journey with us. We need you! We won’t get sick of you either. Stay here until you find the answers you’re looking for and then stay to help others. They are here, the answers, the support, the caring loving interest in you!