Porn As An Indication Of Sexuality

The opinion that porn is a poor indicator of sexuality seems to be the general consensus here but to what degree is porn actually a useful way to gauge your sexuality?

I'm posting this because I came across an old post where the girl stated that pictures of vaginas turned her on but penises did nothing for her. I'm the opposite and while it seems to me that this is really the core of my sexuality, I would have thought that for someone who loved penises, the male bodies and faces that were attached would have a similar pull but if anything, male faces and bodies are the opposite for me in terms of draw.

At this point, pictures of penises and guys asses turn me on and pictures of naked women do nothing for me. I love watching gay porn and gay sex looks like the most fun thing ever but I'm not drawn to the actors as people as I am with women in porn. Women are aesthetically pleasing but I don't want to have sex with them.

My perception has now shifted to finding naked men a turn on in general, whereas previously, it was really just penises. Most of the pictures have no male faces though and few men register as anywhere near as appealing as women in terms of facial features. It's common for me to be drawn to women as people in porn, seeing them as people I would want to be with but almost all men in porn don't appeal to me other than what they could do for me sexually and I wouldn't want to have sex with just a body in real life if the face and personality weren't also attractive to me.

I don't find vaginas visually appealing at all in porn, the opposite really but I do however get very turned on going down on women in real life. I think performing oral sex in general is hot, so perhaps that's part of it. I find naked women a bit sexually boring at this point and I think it's because sexually, they can't provide what I enjoy most, as I think I prefer being the receptive partner.

I think essentially, from my perspective, women have much more appealing faces bodies, and personalities and men have much more appealing genitals.

I'm still not really sure if I'm gay, bi or one of the two, complicated by other factors.

I get to interact with the general public a lot at work and there are far more women than men who are either sexy or cute. There have been a handful of guys that I find appealing but not many compared to women.

I feel like the kind of sex that I like to have is gay sex but women seem more attractive than men. Men don't generally have amazing bodies but I often see hot women and have to make a point of not checking them out in order to remain professional.

I feel like I'm leaning towards being gay sexually but I don't feel like gay men would say they think women are generally a lot nicer to look at than men or that they get turned on by going down on vaginas.

Bisexual sort of covers it but seems ill fitting because sexually, I think I'm just gay.

I feel like I'm potentially in denial about my sexuality and I'm trying to confront it and accept whatever is true about it but it seems very unclear to me in spite of trying to be open and honest with myself.

My fantasies are gay, having carried out Chip's advice on that but I do enjoy fantasising about women, it's just not my go to or my natural inclination.

Any input would be much appreciated. I'm trying to figure this out but I feel like I'm still going in circles (and I'm partnered so I can't explore this in practice, which is where I would most likely find a definitive answer).

 

Thanks Incoming. I think for me, there are two options in terms of who I can have sex with and while this occupies a mostly feminine space across men and women, to me I would either be dating a man or a woman and I would prefer to determine which of the two is preferable for me. I'm not straight, I'm in some ways heterosexual and in other ways, homosexual. In the ways that are sexual in particular, I'm gay. I'm attracted to penises and what I can do with them and not by vaginas and what I can do with them, at least in a penetrative sense, which is for me the primary aspect of sex. The other labels might resonate with others but to me, they cloud things rather than illuminate them.

 

Thanks a lot Colm, this directness is really what I'm after. As Bi-gemini says, my situation is convoluted, but I feel like some things mean what they mean regardless of how much others want to allow the person to come to their own conclusion. Essentially, I just want to know how the facts read as a whole to other people because when I read someone else say that they're a girl who is turned on by vaginas and not penises, that seems like some pretty lesbian behaviour and I look at myself and think "if this isn't gay, then what the hell is?"

You would think that would be enough but I can't figure out what to make of looking at pictures of vaginas and thinking "this seems like a pretty gay response to vaginas - they're just not for me" yet having a definite super-strong response going down on a girl and feeling strong attraction to women in life. I do have the same response to sucking a penis though.

I came out to my girlfriend as bi a few months ago. I said I thought I might be bi or gay. She knew that my past relationship was with a transwoman and that I had started talking to guys on gay dating apps when I met her (I was on straight and gay apps but she and I hit it off and were exclusive once we started dating).

I haven't actually done anything with a guy before. If I was single again, that would be my first move. I was given the green light to explore a few months ago but the more I explored by talking to guys on apps, the more clear it became that she wanted me to be happy but it was making her unhappy. I didn't feel right going through with anything because I didn't want to compromise my relationship.

After that, things just went back to where they were before I came out. I actually came out as bi to my close friends and family. I've done really the hardest part of being gay in some ways in telling everyone who matters and knowing for sure that they'll still be there for me, but I'm struggling with what to do about my relationship, whether I leave it and whether I'm even actually gay.

My sex life isn't what I want it to be due to mismatched libido and age regardless. We're working on that but it feels like that would be a futile task even if I wasn't also dealing with my own issues. If we didn't love each other, this would be a bit less complicated.

 

I've considered the points you raise about going down on my girlfriend and I agree that they are possibly involved but I do enjoy specifically what I'm doing, I mean I'm literally making out with her pussy and that is a turn on in itself, along with the feedback she gives. I just don't like looking at vaginas in porn. My previous girlfriend's vaginas weren't appealing at all either though, which was an issue. Penises both in real life and porn feel very much like a hardwired "on button".

Actually, my girlfriend is gorgeous, has a beautiful body and she does turn me on. She does happen to have a particularly pretty vagina. So, I do desire her, I do perceive her in the ways that I just described and I do communicate that to her frequently. She is desired and I'm not thinking about guys the whole time we're having sex. We do have penetrative sex, which I enjoy, it just doesn't take me over the edge in the way that sex does when I'm being penetrated. It ends up being frustrating because I just can't finish.

I had the same thing with my trans ex. When I topped, it was hard to finish but on the rare occasions that she topped me, I could finish pretty quickly.

I have some gay friends and family, though not many. I'm not afraid of gay people, I just don't appreciate male faces, generally. As you say, there is something of a progression here, so perhaps that will come but obviously I can only work with what I notice my genuine perceptions to be at present.

 

Thanks BiGemini. I appreciate your response. I'm not sure what insight or solutions people can really give, I'm just still a bit lost with this on my own and I haven't really got anyone to talk it through with.

I guess enough is enough already but in some ways, I don't even really know how to think about this clearly enough to reach a conclusion.

I think I'm gay because the sexual aspect of my relationships with women haven't worked and I find myself enjoying a pretty gay fantasy sex life in the absence of a real hetero sex life that works (which is down to factors separate from me as well, which I don't really want to get into).

 

It's okay, I asked for judgement and directness. I've considered a sex therapist but I've had pretty horrendous experiences with homophobic therapists in the past, so I'm reluctant to try again. Of course it's possible to find one that works but it's not a path I want to go down (though it may end up being necessary).

I think we've tried the things a sex therapist would suggest and I'm patient, I'm communicative, I know myself and my partner well and some of the facts of the situation are unchangeable. I do think I've had reasonably bad luck with the sexual partners I've had in terms of their personal sexual issues, I think performance anxiety has played a role and in some sense, I wonder if I'm drawn to gay sex as the bottom because it's not stressful and yes, to some degree sex with women has been stressful because the whole show has always been "on me to pull off". But since posting here, I'm not sure if that's denial and bargaining or whatever, or if that's the truth.

There are likely elements of the above. It may be a complex psychological thing. I do like the submissive aspect of things but I like getting blown and I guess that's a dominant sexual role. There are a lot of conflicting things.

 

Thanks Complicated, I appreciate your perspective. It sounds like we have situations that are similar in some ways.

The only thing that works is finishing by masturbating after we've had sex for long enough that it's clear that I'm not going to cum. There have been rare occasions when I've been able to cum just through sex but there's no real add on sensation I've come across yet.

I've tried a butt plug while we have sex and it can help me cum but it mutes and complicates the sensations I feel in my penis while I'm penetrating her. It also changes my focus. If I'm using a butt plug, that is the sexual focus and then I'm just essentially using her vagina to masturbate in. I prefer it just to be her and I when we're having sex. We experiment with toys but ultimately, I actually prefer using toys by myself.

I think mentally and physically, I'm wired to respond to anal play more so than having my penis stimulated. Receiving a blow job is also a winner though. My strongest orgasms come from using a fairly large dildo on myself while masturbating and watching gay porn (this reads like a pretty gay statement to me).

We've tried pegging and it just doesn't work for me. I felt comfortable with my trans ex but my girlfriend wearing a fake dick isn't a turn on and I feel self conscious. Doing gay things with a woman just feels weird.

I wouldn't want to take the aspect of me topping out of my sex life, so with a guy, I would prefer to bottom but I would definitely want to top too. I enjoy using my dick and I couldn't imagine having one and not wanting to use it.

It's like both elements are necessary for arousal and ejaculation. Penile stimulation tips me over the edge but it accompanies anal stimulation as a secondary thing.

The taboo aspect is definitely a thing. But sex itself is somewhat taboo and the taboo aspect of gay sex is presumably a turn on for gay men. There was a taboo element to sex with my trans ex but I was also genuinely attracted to her physically and I did love her as a person. The taboo is a turn on but there's also no denying that getting banged out is a turn on both mentally and physically, more than being the one doing the banging. The taboo is present but I think it's an add-on bonus.

 

My default, go-to for most of my adult life was trans porn. I always looked up dick pics from time to time but mostly it was transwomen that appealed most and I didn't really look up pictures of guys fucking, I just wasn't interested.

I think it was about a year or so ago that I switched to exclusively gay porn. Since then, I look at trans stuff occasionally but it's mostly gay now.

Google actually uses sex as taboo as a social custom as it's example for its definition, so I don't think it's a particularly unique perspective. Sucking a dick is surely more taboo than eating a sandwich. There's nothing wrong with sex but I think humanity in general is a bit funny about it. It's the reason why there's a need for this website at all. It's good if younger generations don't feel that way though.

But yes, I suppose I feel a bit weird for enjoying the things that I do. The reactions from my friends to the news that I was dating a transwomen were not good. It wasn't what I expected actually. They were all shocked. It was genuinely shocking to pretty much everyone I've told. It wasn't some "no worries, you should have told us sooner" thing. Minds were blown and these people have gay friends and I wouldn't have thought they were were homophobic but this revelation about me seemed like a giant departure from my persona. Nothing has changed but it wasn't just my perception that this was socially taboo in my culture. It actually is. I also tried to talk to two therapists about this, both of whom humiliated me. I assume they were both religious and they were older than me, so from any even worse time than mine.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, in fact our relationship was beautiful, the sex included but humanity is still trying to understand itself where this is concerned. I think we're definitely heading in a much healthier direction but we aren't fully there yet.

I did grow up in very homophobic environments actually. Being gay back then would have been social suicide. Also, I don't have an affinity for women as you said many gay men do. I get on better with guys but we relate to each other as mates. That being the case, in order to have friends, perceiving them as sex or love interests would have been a problem, so my whole way of relating to men is as straight bros.

Also, it's hard to have female friends because every time I've had a good female friend, they've been secretly into me initially and then we either hook up or stay friends but then they're not just friends, there are feelings there. I find, I develop feelings and attractions easily to women but with men, I just want buddies.

Transwomen definitely fit the bill in many ways. My ex had some issues that I don't want to list, some of which would affect a lot of transwomen but ultimately, she wasn't a top and our relationship made me realise that topping her was as dissatisfying as the other women I'd been with. I really enjoyed performing oral on her and I loved it the few times that she topped me. I had the time of my life at times with her. She turned me on more than women.

I think if having sex with men was the thing that finally satisfied me, maybe I would never bother with women again but if I was single and I hit it off with a stunning woman, at this point it's pretty unlikely that I wouldn't want to have sex with her.

It would make life easier if sex with men was what I actually needed to be at peace. I think the absence of a satisfying sex life has taken quite a toll on me, as well as the disconnection between what I do with myself and what I end up doing with my partners.

I'm still not sure that gay is quite what applies to me. I still don't feel like my attraction is to male people, so I don't know if gay with bi tendencies is right. A transwomen who was a top would be great but it was no easy task finding a transwoman to date and fall in love with, let alone a top.

I think when I was seeing myself going in a gay direction, I felt optimistic and free, like I finally had the chance to integrate my solo sexlife into my world rather than what to some degree feels a bit like peering through a window into a world I would like to be in from a place outside that feels stressful.