After a number of years - decades - I'm back in contact with a good friend from college, and we're both excited to reconnect and have invited each other to our respective homes for a visit. A mutual friend who is gay told me years ago that my long- ago friend was also gay, but I've never really know for certain unless you consider the stereotypical clues (i.e. never married, haven't know him to have girlfriends or speak about girls but it's been a long time). He's a good-looking guy, and sexuality notwithstanding, I like him and he's a good guy. Over the years, I've wondered about him, and also fantasized about doing "things" together. And the thought still appeals to me. I suspect he's still in the closet, or at least not out to me, or for that matter if he's still interested in guys. We're already planning a visit, and it would be great if we could be out with each other regardless if anything more happens. I'm not out yet but this may present a good opportunity. Bottomline: we were good friends and just reconnecting is the priority, however. Just wondering how best to approach it.
I think you should tell him you’re gay and are in the process of coming out. Maybe even confess you always thought he was hot. Nothing wrong with be attracted to men. Be yourself around your old friend. Enjoy being gay and flirt with men you are attracted to.
This is a really interesting situation because I almost think this is way more common that people think. You have your priorities in a good place, I think. You are thinking about the person before you are thinking of doing "things." I would not put too, too much stock in what your mutual gay friend says because he might be relying on the usual clues and some LGBT people have that "got us another one" thing with hot celebs, athletes, and VIPs who haven't tied the knot. When that kind of gossip goes around, I think that it could be true or it's false. Everyone wants to know what people are doing in the sack more than what's in people's hearts and minds. But, yeah, when someone is VGL, has it together, and is single for a long time, the action might be under wraps, they might be repressed, they might have issues they haven't dealt with, or they might be really choosy. Spend time visiting with each other and getting reacquainted. It could all just come tumbling out. I'd read the situation first. I see your status shows that you're not out, so play it how you want to play it. Does your mutual gay friend know your sexuality? If he does, then you'd be out to someone. I see the state you live in. Could that affect your status and maybe even this friend's disclosure status? I've known a couple of guys like this. They were friends or good acquaintances and I found them a little intimidating, to be honest. Most of them remained single and I never knew what became of them. One stayed single until he was about 40, got married, had a couple of kids, and settled down, even though he wasn't a player when he was single. He was considered a really good catch and I know of more than a few who were unhappy that they didn't land him! I think that some of us worry about trysts that wind up cooling down good friendships. Since you haven't seen him in a long time, you probably should be reading him without probing him. Your gut will help you out.
I got busy before I could add more to my reply above. Because we live several states apart, and our reconnect will involve most-likely a weekend stay, I'm wondering if I should try feeling things out before we meet in person. Maybe drop some subtle hints?
It's nice that you're able to reconnect with this friend, and it's also good that you're not expecting anything more to come from it, even if some part of you hopes that it does. I'd say play things by ear: take your time, feel things out when you're actually seeing him in-person, and see where the weekend takes you. But of course you can definitely try to get to know him a bit better beforehand, since time changes a lot of what we've known about other people (and what they've known about us). Whatever happens, I hope you have a good time and that if nothing else, this rekindles your friendship anew.
Hey I would just add that if you think you would feel more comfortable then you could come out to him in advance before you meet at one of your houses. Equally if you would rather tell him to his face then that is also fine.
Are you thinking by phone, or by social media? If you went the phone route, you could do in two calls. The first one could be to see what he's been up to and to try to feel him out (no pun intended). Leave the first call sort of open ended, and the next one could be to tell him what's going on with you. Since I don't know what your friend is like or has become, this is just a suggestion. But then, you could always just do this in person. It looks like you're giving this a lot of thought.
Thanks @Tightrope. Yes - some thought indeed. First and foremost, it's about connecting with a good, old friend, but, on a bit deeper level, I think its about wanting to come out, at least to some people, excluding the sexual trysts. We've been communicating via email, but the phone strategy sounds good too.
I think that would be my choice also although there is no right or wrong way. It’s about what feels best and right for you.
