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The worst time of my life

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Sadness, Dec 26, 2022.

  1. silverhalo

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    I am sorry you are struggling with this but I think my main take from the thread is that in the beginning you tested and felt nothing but you continued to test. Why wasn't that result enough for you in the beginning?

    I also think there is a difference between actively lying to yourself and not realising the whole truth. I didnt come out until my mid 20's, I was always gay and looking back there were main signs but I dont consider that I was lying to myself because at the time I didnt know I was. So I dont think you should be too hard on yourself even if that was the case (which I dont think it is).
     
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  2. Searching2022

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    As I mentioned, groinal response can be triggered by anything, ever have a nervous erection not related to anything? Or just morning ?
    Even if I did, a 'little hard' 'testing' for women, it is work to try to fantasize about them, I go soft. But if I think about giving a cute guy a blow job, I don't have to test or think about I get ROCK HARD and can practically orgasm thinking about it. I like to fantasize about it find myself spontaneously thinking and desiring it, I don't have to 'test'. Do you see the difference. No amount of testing will help you.
     
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  3. Searching2022

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    If you read this from someone else would think they were even remotely gay? When I was in denial I would read posts like this and say 'I wish that happened to me' (getting aroused by women and not by men) but even ones I recognized as beautiful I could not get aroused. I tried - i didn't 'test' but was really trying to get aroused and I couldn't.

    Its not, and no amount of testing, or reassurance- you have had just about every gay guy here tell you you don't sound gay at all but it still doesn't reassure you. You need to get professional help and at least try to work on the OCD with books Brain Lock that @Chip recommended.
     
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  4. Sadness

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    Hey, so i wish i had the answer for that. I dont know why i kept testing, after some time it got worse, i started feeling tingles and all that some responses, sometimes i dis got half erect but i was never able to masturbate

    it happened at lot on my life, one time a friend hugged me from behind and i had a lot of tingles and movements down there, and after that i started thinking being bottom to a guy, which i got hard. Once i got back home i tried masturbated and wasnt able again

    i noticed that i have a lot of reponses when touching my ass, i dont know why but it wasnt like this too

    i do understand the diference between lying and active trying to force something that is not there

    but maybe all this happens because of those key moments where i got strong tingles, movements and even got hard

    i think those moments keep me from take a step back
     
  5. Sadness

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    Yeah maybe im really overthinking, im trying to find a new psychiatrist, a good one. And i know no amount of questions or test will solve

    but being obsessive is sad

    Something happened to me again, something that didnt happen for a while, where whenever i go out, i look at men on the eye and i have a good amount of anxiety and a pressure on my chest. The last time it happened was maybe some years ago. I already thought it could be attraction, but i cant fantasize about doing things with that guy and masturbate and orgasm. And i dont think i would feel a pressure on my chest if i was attracted

    together with all this i started to feel disgusted by woman, which is even more weird, yesterday i was able to fantasize, see naked womans feel arousal, and today i can too but i have this disgust feeling

    theres something psychological going on
     
  6. silverhalo

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    I think that until you find a new psychiatrist and you get your mental health under control no amount of questions or testing will help.
    Perhaps just lay off testing I know it is hard but try and find a place where you can accept that you will figure it out one day but right now is not the moment and whatever will be will be.
     
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  7. Sadness

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    Yes, a lot of people told me that, but sometimes is so intrusive that i dont even realize that im doing it again, yesterday saw a series and started testing to a guy because i saw his pants and felt tingling from it, then i was getting a lot of uncomfortable tingles and almost got hard and i didnt even realize, when i noticed i was in the bathroom trying masturbating which didnt work, i got hard but started getting soft again until my mind switched to a girl

    so the point is that is unconscious now, and all i do is test and get depressed after bc i did it again
     
  8. Searching2022

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    I think you know the answer to this now -no amount of testing will help, you have to recognize its your ocd- try the Brain Lock book that was recommended, and look into other ways you can help get this under control until you find a new psychiatrist.
     
  9. Searching2022

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    You mean like someone sexually attracted to females? :slight_smile:
    Until you find a psychiatrist is there something you can do to help yourself? Read the book Brain Lock - if it's not available to you then you can probably find summaries online and techniques about how to deal with OCD. Don't worry or get mad at yourself that just makes things worse, the fact that you're at least noticing it is a step in the right direction. But taking some affirmative step is better than posting here about your latest tingle or test which as you know only makes it worse.

    One technique I learned was just to label it 'Oh there's my OCD again'.
     
  10. Sadness

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    Thank you so much, i did peep this book and read it, not completely yet.

    i think i should find a way to stop even thinking about testing, most happens when im stressed and anxious, like, if i think of a woman and about going down on her and i feel this bad feeling that i said earlier i start thinking about testing again

    So every woman i saw on internet i had to fantasize about licking her, and its weird, but it was something i had to do to prove, but this itself is a test

    I dont know why i have this bad feeling even tho i get aroused, i dont know if its disgusting or something, but one of my most fears is the moment when i will eventually going down on a woman and i feel disgusted by her vagina or turned off, i really fear this and its probably why i dont have sex actually

    even when seeing vagina on the internet is arousing, i really fear this

    so its always a test, if i feel this bad feeling = im gay, so i test to see if i will like doing with men, which is weird because i dont have this bad feeling, i can more easily fantasize about kissing a man or doing a bj, even tho i wont feel the same, wont be aroused the same way im with woman

    So i stopped trying to think about licking every woman i see on internet just for proof, maybe it can help, i’ll see
     
  11. Sadness

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    So lately i noticed something, whenever i end up testing, which is a lot less these past few days, i do feel sometimes like im forcing myself to dont feel arousal, or dont get hard? I dont know if its possible but i think about this sometimes

    i watched a gay hentai and tested, i ended up feeling aroused on some scenes and got hard while masturbating, but i noticing that im always holding my genitalia really tight, something that doesnt happen with woman, i was aroused and at some point got a little soft, then i got hard again and all that stuff. How can i know if im not forcing myself to get soft? Is it possible

    besides, i do thought about that. Is it possible that my true sexuality is hidden because of how much por i watch? Is this possible, like if im gay, if i stop masturbating will i get more aroused by guys than girls?
     
  12. Searching2022

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    if if if, maybe maybe maybe, testing, testing testing testing....
    You know the answer -you're never going to find the answer and no amount of reassurance is going to help until you deal with the OCD
     
  13. Sadness

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    Yes you’re right. I need to do something

    i will try again to stop Masturbation for a long time and see if my arousal for men is going to increase and woman decrease, if my arousal to transwoman is going to keep existing or its just a porn thing

    because yes testing wont help, today i tested about being bottom to two guys and the feeling made me arousal for a moment until it goes down then up a little down, but transwoman made me rock hard

    so we will see what happens