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Is it worth it?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by MamaNurse, Jan 2, 2023.

  1. MamaNurse

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    Hi everyone! This is my first time here/ posting. I’m a 31-year-old Mom to two boys that are 4 and 1. I’m also a full-time RN working 12 hour shifts.

    I finally realized that I’m a lesbian through some deep personal work I’ve done in therapy. For those of you that have read Untamed, my story is essentially the same as Glennon’s. With one exception …

    I love my husband and I miss him so much. It’s been about 2 months since I asked him for a separation, and told him that I’m a lesbian. It’s been just over a month since I moved out into my own house a few miles away.

    I’ve fully accepted my repressed sexual orientation. I know that I have had a much more fulfilling sex life with women, and don’t desire him in that way. But he is my best friend. He is the person I planned my forever with. He’s the best Dad, and continues to be an amazing support person for me.

    I feel like my life has become working long and grueling shifts at the hospital, or alone chasing two young children. Everyone is stressed, and no one seems happy.

    Every time we get together for our children, or I give him a hug, I feel desperate to move home and never look back.

    Is living authentically as a lesbian even worth it?! Right now I just feel sad, stressed, and lonely.
     
  2. chicodeoro

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    Hi MamaNurse, I'm not sure I can answer that question - others here will have more relevant life experience - but what I can say is that you have made an incredibly brave decision. You've chosen to live authentically when the easiest thing in the world would have been to carry on as you were for years, decades even.

    After every life-changing fork-in-the-road decision like this it's perfectly natural to have doubts. Who wouldn't? Your life sounds incredibly stressful and by becoming a single parent you will, in the short term at least, undoubtedly be making it more stressful. But what you are also doing is showing your two kids that it is better to live a life that is honest and genuine than one which is a lie. One day they may well look back and think 'I really admire mom for what she did back then'.

    The other thing to note is that you're probably still grieving for your relationship. I've only ended one of my relationships and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I still cared for this person but we weren't right for each other and being together was making us both unhappy. Yet I still grieved the loss of her love, the physical affection she brought to my life for months, even though I knew ending it was the right thing to do.

    So yes, I understand. In the short term things may be more stressful and sad and lonely, but in the long term you've made the choice that is right for you. (Maybe I can answer your question after all..)

    Hugs,

    Beth xx
     
    #2 chicodeoro, Jan 2, 2023
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2023
  3. Incoming

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    As LGBTs we have good reason to celebrate coming out, being our authentic selves, loving whom we want to love.

    But reality is complicated. Being completely out of the closet does not mean we'll have fulfilling sex lives or healthy relationships with our LGBT partners - or that these will last. I'd assume that for most people it strongly improves the odds, but there are no guarantees.

    It's possible you might never find a bond as satisfying the one you've already built with your husband and family - because you've already invested so much in it and apparently it was successful in many ways, if not all.

    Your husband sounds like an understanding man - would he accept an open relationship that allowed you to continue living at home ?
     
    #3 Incoming, Jan 3, 2023
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  4. DragonChaser

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    Firstly, I'm sorry life got so out of sorts so suddenly. I was about your age when I realized I was trans, and it was both incredibly exciting and insanely scary at the same time, and I did not have the same attachments to my old life as you do. I really am sorry you came to this revelation in such a complicated time.

    With that said, is it worth it? Yes. That is the default answer I give, and your circumstances do not dissuade me from offering it as my sincerest advice. Your love for your husband is not uncommon; humans fall in many forms of love with each other, through many different avenues. "Platonic" and "Romantic" are the common terms, but I think it exists on a spectrum much deeper than those polarities.

    I can tell you this with 100% confidence; self-actualization will always bring you deeper personal fulfillment. However, I know you're connected to your husband on a deep level, not just through your feelings for him but also through your children, and I will not tell you not to factor that in.

    The choices we make regarding ourselves and our futures needs to include the people who love us; people who choose absolute freedom for themselves often hurt and abuse those around them, and I don't believe someone who would come here and spill their guts like this is that kind of selfish, arrogant person.

    However, I don't think your husband, as described, would want to see you suffer. And you will suffer if you don't answer this call. For some, that suffering means their loved ones won't have to face equivalent pain. We've a long history, in the LGBTQ community, of letting ourselves suffer for the (sometimes) perceived betterment of the lives of those around us, and it's not always been without good reason.

    This is the choice we must make, for ourselves and our families. I feel, from my vantage, you are better off embracing your truth, and that - while there will be growing pains you cannot avoid - it will lead to less conflict, strife, and pain for everyone involved in the long-run. I know there are myriad factors I am oblivious to, by virtue of my station, and that I may not be able to understand at all. However, that is my advice.

    tl;dr version: You are better off accepting yourself than not in 99% of cases, but you're right to consider the feelings of those around you. I think you should go for it, and I send endless love, yet I cannot make the choice for you. I just hope this helps!

    Also, here's some adorable! Cute things release the same chemicals in our brain as a hug, and I love giving hugs on top of feeling you could really use one, so I hope that helps!

    Good fortune and compassion, sister! :smile_cat:
     
  5. dirtyshirt84

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    I just wanted to say I think what you have done is really brave. I think when you are older and have created a life for yourself it is much harder, and having young children is a lot of work. I’ve often wondered if I would be happier in a relationship with a woman.

    Your husband sounds like a great guy - and in some ways I suppose that makes it harder.

    I don’t think there are any easy answers. But there is definitely a freedom in living your life authentically. It’s a huge life change and I think it’s only naturally to take some time to grieve the end of your relationship.
     
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  6. Contented

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    It’s a normal human reaction to mourn for what you had been. You are allowed to have those feelings. Many of us who have come to acknowledge our same sex attraction later in life face those same worries and fears about the future and nostalgia for the past.
    You have a made a brave decision to be faithful to you really are sexually a lesbian. Better to acknowledge it now and move on rather than live a life full of regret. It’s unfair to you, your husband and your children. Your future is open to you, this cloud your under will pass and you just might meet the woman you were meant to be with. I can assure from my experience once you meet that person, it all seems worth it. Good luck and we are here for you.
     
    #6 Contented, Jan 3, 2023
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2023
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  7. MamaNurse

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    Thank you all! I really appreciate your support. It’s definitely been so difficult lately, and it’s nice to hear from others that there is hope on the other side. ❤️
     
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  8. Contented

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    There is more than hope on the other side. There is the fulfillment and satisfaction of finally being who you are and who you want to spend your life with beyond your children. There is the incredible feeling of freedom, of liberation from a life than didn’t meet your needs. In order to experience that unfortunately some pain, sadness and adjustment is in store but I assure you in the end it’s worth it. Living gay is worth the struggles!
     
    #8 Contented, Jan 4, 2023
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2023
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  9. quebec

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    MamaNurse.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) :old_big_grin: when that becomes necessary!

    *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation.
    In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation”, there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you.

    When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: :old_cool:

    *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.

    *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! :old_rolleyes: If you have any questions at all, you can send me a Private Message.

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  10. silverhalo

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    Hey I am sorry you are finding it hard. It is never easy to leave a relationship that has become your normal for many years, even if there is a part of you that knows it isnt right.
    I dont have personal experience of your situation so feel like it would be unfair of me to say it is definitely worth it but what I would say is that in the grand scheme of things 2 months is quite a short period of time (even if it has felt like forever) to get used to a new normal. I am sure your decision to leave was one that took you a lot of time and thinking to arrive at and there must have been good reasons for you to make the break.
    I am sure it will get better you just have to give it some time.
    Is there any 1 thing that you could change in your new set up that would make you feel better about it?
     
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  11. bsg75apollo

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    I would suggest that you go to some couples counseling together. Not to fix the marriage or anything like that, but so that the two of you can figure out how to proceed in this situation by expressing what you are feeling in a safe environment. I am sure that you both have a lot of conflicting emotions. If your relationship is strong as you say, then it would be best to figure things out together, no matter the outcome whether it is stay married, have an open marriage, or divorce.
     
  12. Jimbow

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    Hi
    Hi MamaNurse,

    So much of your story resonates for me and I feel your pain totally.

    I had a similar experiences 6mths ago when I came out to my wife after 23 years of marriage and 28 years of being together.

    Like your husband, she is my best friend, I miss her every day and love seeing her. She is the most remarkable woman, so strong, so compassionate, so amazing!

    It does get easier though I promise! There probably isn’t a day goes by where I wish I could turn back the clock and have not told her but living that lie is impossible. It’s unfair on her and me too.

    When I have those thoughts I remind myself that I like men and perhaps for some that open relationship can work but not for us.

    Life is lonely but I understand now that this is just a transition period, from one life to another and we’re sad because we are good people and were honest to our partners and told our true feelings. I know for sure if I hadn’t done that, eventually something would have happened, worst case being I would have cheated!

    So feel proud, know that it will get easier and try to live your best life.

    James
     
  13. wua

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    It's absolutely worth it.
     
  14. Jakebusman

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    Its absolutely worth it if that's What you want !
     
  15. Maddy25

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    Hi Mummanurse,

    I would love to hear how everything is going now.
    I am in a very similar situation as you were and questioning the same things. Would love to chat :slight_smile:
     
  16. Keller

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    Hello

    Sincerely sorry to hear about your situation. You did the honest thing to do, no matter how hard it was… And as much as understand, he also keeps doing the best he can to be a loyal and supportive partner for you. There is nothing wrong with accepting your self as you are, even if it’s hard for you and your spouse.
    But, maybe your marriage doesn’t have to end at this point. Yes, both you and your spouse need time and space to process what happened, but as cliche as it sounds, communication goes a long way.
    Albeit my situation is different, after coming out to my wife, we were on the brink of a divorce and spent 6 months apart, but only to drift back together eventually, yes our relationship is very different from what it was before and not without it’s own challenges, but it works.

    Best of luck to you and thank you for your work, RNs are the unsung heroes of healthcare