I’m 41, married with kids. This is my 2nd marriage. I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking back and finally accepting certain thoughts and feelings I had in the past and present. In middle school I had a very obvious gay teacher, who always took a liking to me. It never was inappropriate or anything, he was just nicer to me than anyone else. I really liked the way he made me feel, and I did fantasize about him. I also fantasized about a lot of gay interactions with males then too. In high school I had a friend who always seemed to get really close to me at times, but even though I liked how that felt, I kept him at a distance and eventually stopped being friends with him. After high school I had a very obvious gay co-worker who I enjoyed interacting with, and I fantasized about being with him in private. I bought porn specifically where it was all BJ’s, and imagined what it was like to be the girl. In my first marriage I watched my first gay porn, by accident, but realized how much I liked it. Toward the end of that marriage, I tried interacting with other gay men online, but I would quickly end those conversations out of fear. When my marriage was over, I finally had my first encounter and it was amazing, but I got scared in the middle of it and ended it before it got even better. Before my 2nd marriage, I had sex with 14 men. Each time I felt more and more comfortable having sex with the same sex, and I ended up wanting more. I also realized today that I been with more men than women. The thing is, I’m happy to be married and to be in a straight relationship. I do long to be with a man though too. I never got that chance. Growing up when I did it was highly frowned upon still, and I was raised to push those feelings down. There wasn’t as many options then to experiment. Before I met my first wife there weren’t as many options then either. I didn’t get much time between my 1st and 2nd marriage to establish an actual same sex relationship. If my 2nd marriage ends up not working out, I know now that I’m probably going to pursue this instead. I need to know if being with a man is right for me. I can definitely say in the moment with those 14 other men, it felt good. But beyond the passion and sex, it was over and we both went back to our lives. I know saying I wish I could have done things differently, is wishful thinking and it doesn’t change anything. Knowing what I know now and feel, I would have probably ended up in a same sex marriage instead.
Hi Mike, Welcome to E.C.! I’ve found this place to be one of the most supportive and helpful. I’m older than you, and just came out to myself and my wife as bisexual a little over four years ago. It did not take me long in counseling to figure this out, and there was some evidence going way back to when I was a teen - but unlike you I’d never had an experience with a guy.
Mike, Very interesting thread for sure. Until I was in my early fifties I lived a heterosexual existence. Married for almost 20 years , divorced, had a long term girlfriend but it never felt totally right. Then I met the man that turned my life around. Once sexually intimate with him I knew for certain I was gay. What I hid so deeply for most of my life now was so apparent. In short order I exited my relationship with my then GF and embraced my homosexuality. While as you say there is no point in agonizing over the “ would of, could of or should of” because we can’t change the past ,it doesn’t mean we don’t regret not making changes. I now know without a doubt I have always been gay. I wish I had had the chance to live as a gay man from the start. I wish I had never wasted so many years trying to be heterosexual. I wish I had never been with women and had had the chance to date men early in life. I would have been much happier and fulfilled. Of course life doesn’t work that way. We can only deal with present and I am so happy I am finally living the gay life I always wanted. I even fantasize that my current relationship might lead us to the ultimate repudiation of heterosexuality marrying the man of my dreams. Keeping moving forward it’s is the only direction open to us for change.
Hello Mike, and welcome to EC! If it's any consolation, what you're feeling isn't uncommon; a lot of people (whether bisexual or later in life gay/lesbian) experience the desire to live as the other half does. In your case, while you were able to explore and satisfy a physical desire with the same sex, you missed out on sharing a more emotional connection with them. It's completely understandable that you find yourself pondering it today, especially given how difficult it was for bisexual/gay people to be openly out as little as 20 years ago. It's okay to engage in this kind of wishful thinking--just be sure not to let it adversely affect your current relationship. If you're happy with your partner, enjoy their company as much as possible; consider even being honest with her regarding your struggles over the years. It's important for a relationship to have a strong foundation, and there can be no foundation without truth and trust in one another. Give yourself some time to think things over, of course. If your wife doesn't know and you've been with her for some time, it might come as something of a shock, cause hurt, distrust, or fear. It's something you'll both need to process, but hopefully it's something that will either allow you to be closer to each other, or move on to the lives you need without dragging things out (and thus, causing more hurt--because sadly, that is a possibility, though no one is to blame).
Hello and I'm so glad to have found this forum. I read this post and replies, and they really resonated with me. I'm in my late 50s, married to a woman for over 20 years with 2 grown children whom I adore. I knew when I was in my early teens that I had an overwhelmingly strong attraction to guys. Because of intense fear and shame, though, I never acted on these desires. After years of halfheartedly dating women and having sex a few times with them, I married a woman in hope of having a "normal" life and naively thinking that my desires would go away. Of course, they didn't. After years of shame and torture, and eventually becoming suicidal, I finally only recently managed to tell a psychiatrist about my same-sex attraction. Then I managed to work up the courage to tell my wife. Our marriage had already been in a lot of trouble, and unfortunately my admission only made things worse. There's so much I could say, but I don't want to go on in this post. It's just that I feel terrible, she feels deeply betrayed and angry, and I'm torn about what to do next. I too think back about how my life could have unfolded differently if I had had the courage to be true to myself. I think about all the years I wasted trying to be someone I could never be, and how I deluded myself and the woman I dragged into my messed up life. I really did have good intentions, but she doesn't see it that way. I'm not at all proud of how I led my life, and I see now what a coward I've been. For now I just want to say thank you that I've found others struggling with the past--to know that I'm not entirely alone.
I don’t see where I can edit my post, so here’s what I meant to write instead towards the end: “I too think back about how my life could have unfolded differently. I have a lifetime of regrets and wish I had had the courage to be true to myself.”
You have not been a coward. It’s part of being human to trie to fit into societal norms and social mores. I’m in a similar situation and we are close in age. Also I recall wanting to experiment when I was younger but fear of AIDS hung over everything. I couldn’t take that risk. Don’t beat yourself up. We are all on our respective journies.
Moxely, thank you for helping me try to keep things in perspective. That's certainly true about the human need to fit in, and I had almost forgotten how much the fear of AIDS was a factor for me too. I do need to focus on the future instead, as hard as that is to face. Thanks again.
thank you for saying this, and I’m so happy for you! I can definitely say I envy you a bit. I am happy with my marriage now, but I have also learned from my 1st marriage things can unfortunately change. I know what’s it’s like to be with a man physically, but being in an actual relationship will obviously be new to me. Seeing others make that change on here though does give me confidence that if things don’t work out despite my best efforts, that there may be another life waiting for me too.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Time heals all, and this goes for all things in relationships. I know that doesn’t change what is happening now, but I’m glad and proud you were brave enough to embrace this side of you. Stay strong and true.
I absolutely agree with all of this, especially the advice on sharing it in my current relationship. I won’t share what or what hasn’t been said in my marriage, but I can say most things are known between us, which is why I know I’m happy and can be myself. I can also say it would be easier to embrace a same sex relationship if life changes despite best efforts from both of us. You’re right about the aspect of me only being able to experience the physical part of being with another man. I did make sure that each male I ended up with was wanting it to be more intimate and not overly aggressive, or silent, or painful. To each their own on what some may prefer, but I did want to feel like I was in an actual relationship in the moment, and not just a one time thing which of course it ended up being afterward. This tells me a lot about me and what I would want if things do change. I think then I would not just do the act like before, but hopefully be able to stay in that moment too and keep it that way.
As I acknowledged my homosexuality I too thought it was purely a physical thing however in short order it was eye opening to start to feel the need for it to be emotional, romantic and intellectual as well. I realized I was longing for a total relationship with another man.
Please know you are not alone. I too am in my forties, married with children, and am just in the last few years coming to accept that I am gay and that I tried to bury it for decades. Who knows where this leads us, but the little admissions of the truth have to be a good start.
