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I don't have long left

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by lottaotter, Dec 2, 2022.

  1. chicodeoro

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    I think that might be a good idea, LottaOtter. I've been on antidepressants for two years now. For me they've helped me to cope during what has been an immensely stressful time in my life. There's no shame in taking them - for me it's been a matter of survival.

    Try to have a face to face doctor's appointment. I know with the NHS being the way that it is at the moment, they'll probably try and fob you off with a triage appointment. But to really explain how you feel and in order to get the right medication, an honest in person conversation really is best.

    Good luck, my friend.
    Beth x
     
  2. bsg75apollo

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    I am obviously not a mental health professional, so I could b completely talking out of my ass here, but it seems that you are putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself by being so self-disciplined and striving. Your worth is not wrapped up in your ability to achieve. You are worthy just because you are you and exist. I don't know what it would look like for you, but stop shoulding (and yes that is supposed to sound like shitting) all over yourself and just BE yourself.I don't know what else to say because its not like I catch a flight, go over there, and smack you upside the head.
     
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  3. lottaotter

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    Well, my body is starting to MAKE me slow down and stop doing all this stuff. Yesterday I should have had a rest day and done what I wanted to do, but instead I agreed to go out for a drink with my housemates and one of their friends who's visiting. I hated it. Five hours of forcing a smile, fake laughing and pretending to be OK about them joking about stuff that I found uncomfortable. Two of them are homophobic and the other one plays up to get attention from them. I felt invisible at the table. They rarely made eye contact with me, even. I didn't get chance to say much. Today even though I didn't drink much I have a headache and just generally hangover symptoms. I think it wasn't good to jeba to wear that mask for so long. My body has been trying to tell me to stop and slow down for a while now and I haven't been listening so now it's forcing me to.

    I really don't even know what life would look like if I wasn't living to please others, I've never not been that way. I'll get ready to get screamed at I guess.
     
    #23 lottaotter, Dec 4, 2022
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2022
  4. lottaotter

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    I have something else to vent about now. Sorry to anyone who has to read it.

    My housemate just told me "If you acted more jolly with people they would respond to you better". She KNOWS I have a history of self-harm, suicidal ideation and childhood sexual assault. And yet.

    Is there something I'm missing? Is it really all my fault? A month and a half is looking too far away
     
  5. lottaotter

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    I can't stand the thought of having to socialise with my housemates and one of their friends. I am so tired of acting straight around them. Of pretending to have such a fun time. Of fake smiling and fake laughing. Of never being good enough because I'm gay and ugly.

    Why am I too weak to stand up to these people and say 'No, I don't want to'. I am scared of their judgments that I'm too boring, too stupid and too gay and weird. A fun-wrecker. I don't want them to hate me. I'm invisible until I do something to displease them, then all hell breaks loose.

    I'm sorry. I am at a very, very low place tonight. I had planned to rest this weekend in solitude, but other people had other plans for me. Better not get accused of being unsociable again!

    Why am I writing this? What is it I want? I want to talk to my friends at home and my mom and dad. Thinking about my grandma makes me cry.
     
  6. bsg75apollo

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    I think that you are looking for permission or affirmation to do what it is that you know what you really want to do. And that is to tell your roomate and "friends" to go fuck themselves. That you are going to live for yourself, your needs, your wants, and not by anyone else's rules. The disconnect between your true self and societal expectations is part of what is causing you distress. I'm not just talking out of my ass on this one. I am speaking from very personal experience. Don't give up too soon and don't wait too long to really live.
     
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  7. Gleek99

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    Tell em off man. I had to learn (and still am learning) to be okay with saying no and trying not to be afraid to speak my mind. You need to do the same. Don't let people push you around so much.

    Also, screw whoever told you to be more cheery. We're not NPCs damnit!

    So you'd rather die hating yourself rather than live an authentic life and maybe lose some asshole friends staying alive?

    I'm being dramatic about the assholes thing, idk these people after all. who am I to judge. It's been a long week. I apologize
     
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  8. Really

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    Hey. I just want to point out that this thread of yours has had over 330 views and counting. You may be having an “active” conversation with a small handful of people here but there are actually soooo many more reading and empathizing and rooting! for you. Not everyone knows what to say in these situations and some may even be worried they’ll say the wrong thing but I think you can rest assured that those few uncaring people in your real life are a tiny, tiny sampling of who you can and will come across and I can guarantee they are helpful and supportive.

    It sounds like your mind is telling you something has to happen NOW! But it doesn’t. You can slow down. Take one day at a time. Do only what you can and WANT to do. No more pleasing unhelpful others. Have a backup activity for when you need to decline invitations. Finish a library book, do your online yoga, whatever. Your only obligation is to yourself. Nobody else gets to tell you how to act.

    From your description, it sounds like you have a very accomplished, busy life. A tad exhausting, if you ask me. ;]
    You have every right to slow down, take a break from unnecessary things and concentrate on your mental health. No more multitasking. It’s not what it’s cracked up to be.

    Hang in there. We’re ALL rooting for you. (Just quietly from the sidelines.)
     
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  9. lottaotter

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    @bsg75apollo @Gleek99 @Really

    Sorry I am just going to have to do one big reply as I have too much to do today and too little energy to do it. And sorry to anyone else who I have missed out.

    Thank you for your messages.

    Today was another shitty day. My housemate, who works with me asked me on the way to work if I as OK and I explained that I've been trying everything but that I feel worse than ever. I said I was trying to get a doctor's appointment and try medication and all she could say was that medication has lots of horrible side effects. I said I have been struggling to socialise. She said medication makes it harder to socialise. Well great. I already get 'told off' when I don't look or act happy enough, so now I'll be in trouble even more.

    I didn't mention that I was sad to the point of having made a suicide plan, and now I doubt she'll ask again, so I won't be able to tell anyone.

    Thank you everyone here for asking how I am, and listening to me. I'm not sure what to do now with people I know in real life. I guess it's my own fault for not telling the whole truth.
     
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  10. Rayland

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    Medication does have side effects, but if the medication suits you, then you don't get them and you can always ask your doctor how the depression medication works. The more you know how it all works, the less scary it will be and it has actually made me socialize more. Before I just didn't want to see people and got really easily irritable, but I don't yell at my family anymore, even my dad's comments can't irritate me too much. Just don't listen to them and do what's best for your mental state.
     
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  11. BiGemini87

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    Honestly, your housemate sounds positively exhausting. I know it's hard, but the people-pleasing? That's gotta stop. She wants you to be more "jolly" around people, but shoots down medication that might help you achieve that end? This isn't going to sound very advisor-ly, but she can go fuck herself. Honestly, if she cared one iota about you as a person/friend, she would support you in seeking help through whichever (reasonable) means are necessary, and she wouldn't continue berating/coercing you to do things you don't want to.

    I think a change in environment would be the best thing for you, but I also know not many people can afford a change in living arrangement right now. Is there a way you can, though? Maybe you can start saving up a bit of money over time to get a place of your own?

    The bottom line is--you need a change. A change in your surroundings, a change in the people you interact with, and above all, a change in how you interact/let them interact with you.

    I want you to read this very carefully: you deserve better than this. You deserve better than this pseudo half-life. You deserve better friends. You deserve to be surrounded with people who love and accept the real you. You deserve to BE the real you, loud and unapologetically.

    This is your crossroads. This is your opportunity to speak your mind, and please, I beg you--hold NOTHING back. Do NOT allow her (and the others) to keep disrespecting you. You are not beneath them, and if they want you around so much, then they need to respect you, respect your boundaries, and allow you to do the things that actually bring you contentment.

    Stop. Living. For Other. People. Start living for yourself, because suicide? It's as someone else said--it's a permanent "solution" to a temporary problem. Everything you're going through right now will pass... But you also need to be willing to take the wheel.

    Take the wheel, @lottaotter. Because the only person who can steer your life in the direction you want is you. No one else has that right, so stop letting them think they do.

    I'm sorry if any of this comes off harsh, but I want you to know we're 100% in your corner. Take back your life, and then, with time, it will become what you want/need. It might not be 100% what you want, because we don't always get it all--but it will become something you can find some measure of happiness in. I know it. You just gotta let yourself get there.
     
  12. bsg75apollo

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    To be honest, people (at least the shitty ones) get threatened when you try to change. They don't want to feel bad or uncomfortable so they have a vested interest in keeping you down. YOUR ROOM MATE IS THINKING ONLY OF HERSELF!!! Totally self-absorbed. She also doesn't seem to have even a basic understanding of how anti-depressants work. Are you going to listen to someone who has spent 15 minutes doing Google research or someone who has spent years studying in medical school? Anti-depressants aren't miracle cures , but they do get your brain chemistry back up to a normal base level, so you aren't trying to climb out of a hole that keeps getting deeper.
     
  13. chicodeoro

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    This - 100%.

    And your flatmate doesn't know what she's talking about re anti-depressants. Yes, there can be side effects. But if there are, guess what? You can stop taking them and move onto another one that doesn't have side effects! It's called 'choice'.

    I would urge you to make that face to face GP appointment (insist upon it) and have a full honest conversation with your doctor about where you are in terms of your mental health and what you need.

    Good luck - and let us know how you get on.

    Hugs, Beth x
     
  14. lottaotter

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    Thank you @BiGemini87 and everyone else on here. I’m sorry that I made anyone worry. I am not totally in the clear yet as far as not having an active suicide plan. I still need things to get better.

    I felt a LOT better yesterday, for some reason, so I didn’t make a doctor’s appointment. I know that was stupid but if I can just explain my reasons: I am mentally and physically exhausted. From planning to kill myself, from working so much covering for ‘sick’ colleagues, from racing around doing all the chores and responsivilities, and most of all from pretending I am fine.

    I am saying I will try tomorrow, but I am making no promises. I KNOW I ‘Have’ to do it but I hope you can all also appreciate that it’s VERY DIFFICULT. Once I hve te appointment it’ll be fine attending, it’s the ohone call I dread.

    And no, I can’t be fucked eith spelling and typing errors right now. I couldn’t give less of a shit. I’m not going to be polished and perfect anymore as long as you can see what I mean. I am having a fucking mental breakdown and people will have to just deal with typos. Last night I didn’t get to my phone for three hours and sp I didn’t see a message from my Dad asking me if I wanted to call my parents. I apologised for missing the text and now both are ignoring me. I don’t like having to take such a big chunk out of my evenings to call them when I already video-call them two days before (really, I have nothing new to report in two days). I am not giving oyher people all my time anymore. I feel so angry.

    While I can’t change where I live till next summer, I agree. I would not be able to afford to live alone, but I am really going to be more picky next time. I hate living with the new housemate. The other one (‘my shadow’) will be more difficult to slough off- everything good that I get or work towards she soon zooms in to get too, even the job I used to love- she now works there too.

    One of the things I’m struggling with is working out WHAT I want to do. Today when I got back from work I really couldn’t work out what I wanted to spend time doing today. Do I want to go out? It is very, very cold. The thought of doing art projects gain makes me feel sick to my stomach. That’s out. I felt what I wanted to do was lie in bed and watch cooking videos on my phone, but that seems like a bad thing to do, even though it would be extremely restful.

    I’ve probably missed lots in your message to reply to but I am trying to get out of apologising. I don’t have the energy. Thank you for your help everyone.

    And to anyone who’s waiting on a response from me: it might be a while. I’m tired. Sorry. I feel like I could easily sleep for a week.
     
  15. Gleek99

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    I understand that making and even going to an appointment is difficult. Just be patient with yourself.

    I'm really glad to hear you had a decent day yesterday! That's awesome :slight_smile:

    I agree about the parents call thing, you can make more time for them on your terms. Also, it sounds petty that they are ignoring you, but are they for sure ignoring you?

    I hope your day goes alright, and don't forget to take some rest every once in a while
     
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  16. Mihael

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    First of all, I would like to second what someone above said that I might be one of the people who were reading and who are worried, but who are clueless what to say.

    I know how it feels, unfortunately, but I don't know how to explain that it just feels this way right now. Sadness can be overwhelming and these are passing feelings. It's awful and soul-crashing to feel that sad. Medication stops that kind of thoughts and the exhaustion, so it's worth looking into it in order not to crash and have your life ruined by depression. At the same time, it's important to address the reasons why you feel this way.

    For me, pretending that I'm fine and having nowhere to vent is what used to take the most toll on me emotionally.

    It's not bad. It seems like you're a very busy person from your posts, so no wonder that you feel like just resting after all that you've done.

    You have every right to refuse the frequent and long telephone and video calls. It's generally accepted to talk to your parents just once a week or even more rarely.

    Might be that they're giving the space that they see you need since you didn't answer or call.
     
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  17. lottaotter

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    OK, I'm sorry but I am updating here AGAIN.

    I've just lost it at my housemate, had a meltdown and told her I'm planning to kill myself. Suddenyl she has changed her tune about medication and going to the doctor, but why do I feel worse now?

    I'm embarassed about what started it off but I am going to write it in full here because I need to tell someone to get it off my chest.

    Housemate B (let's call him) has a friend staying and I get VERY stressed when strangers are in my house. Housemate B is also homophobic (though not openly), has a massive problem with women and, as it emerged the other day, believes certain right-wing conspiracy theories about Jewish people. It's a very, very long story.

    Me and housemate E were using the living room to watch a film this evening but Housemate B and guest WOULD NOT SHUT UP. They were in the next room having loud phone conversations and I just do NOT have the mental energy to block that shit out at the moment. They finally went out and I kept swallowing my emotions till the end of the film. Then I made a comment about not being able to hear any of the first part of the film, and Housemate E just gives me a nasty look. That was enough for me. I stormed off and slammed some doors.

    She came and asked me what was the matter and I said I was sorry for saying that about Housemate B (who she is infatuated with, by the way; he can do no wrong in her eyes). She made another comment about me being 'angry at random stuff sometimes' and that I was being unreasonable. Can I add that Housemate B and guest have been in the kitchen/living room from 9:00am until 6:00pm EVERY DAY and the guest will be here a whole week in total. He is also quite homophobic and won't talk to me or even make eye contact with me. It is so stressful to have my one 'safe place' in the whole world (my house) invaded like this. I don't have an en-suite bathroom like my hiusemates, so I HAVE to cross the communal rooms that they're occupying to get to my bathroom/toilet. Strangers in my house isprbably my biggest trigger actually, as stupid as it sounds.

    She pushed me for what was really wrong. I told her I couldn't take life anymore, couldn't take pretending and have made plans to kill myself. I couldn't believe how emotionless she was about it all. She just went on about how I could talk to her (as if! She is always moaning about every single problem of hers to me, and just brushes aside all my issues), about how I should go to the doctor. And she said to tell my friends in my hometown.

    I feel so vulnerable now I have admitted it, and like I made a fuss. BUT if someone had cared a bit more before this and treated me better it wouldn't have got to this stage. Now I feel like I am in a weak and vulnerable position like I said. I wish I had kept it all a secret.
     
  18. chicodeoro

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    Hi Lottaotter, I think it's positive you had that outburst. Sometimes things just reach boiling point and like an untended pan they spill over. Now your flatmate (E) knows how you feel and may be more considerate around you.

    It's ok to admit that you're not coping and you need help - actually it's a sign of strength and self awareness.

    But please make that phone call to your doctor tomorrow.

    Thinking of you.

    Hugs, Beth x
     
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  19. bsg75apollo

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    It sounds like you have a narcissist on your hands and boy do I understand that one having a parent who is a narcissist and then two wives that are narcissists. Well, just one now. The other one has had some legit trials and tribulations that changed her attitude. But, I digress. They have a tendency to gaslight you. Being gaslit really does a number on your head. A not even a good number, like 69 *giggle*.
     
    #39 bsg75apollo, Dec 7, 2022
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2022
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  20. lottaotter

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    Good news. I called the doctor, got an appointment and have been prescribed an antidepressant. They gave me an appointment for a week's time too and told me they would do a blood test just to rule anything else out. And to call them of I get any side-effects that are in unbearable.

    Finally some progress. I am feeling very wary because I know they don't work immediately, but I do feel relieved.

    My housemate was negative about it all already saying "They take AGES to work". I don't care, it is worth trying.

    The doctor honestly couldn't have been more supportive- I am very lucky.
     
    #40 lottaotter, Dec 8, 2022
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2022
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