Tl;dr: My mom is a terrible human being and I'd be better off if I never spoke to her again, but I still want to stay connected to the rest of my family. Advice? My mom and I have always had a terrible relationship. Growing up, we were never financially stable. I often felt like the parent in the relationship, even when I was very young. My mom had very few friends and wasn't close to most of our family so she used me as a built-in venting board. She complained about her health, her relationship with her father, her relationship with our family, our financial troubles, and anything else she found stressful. When I was in college and working three jobs to buy groceries, she'd sometimes text me to ask me to pay the electric bill so it wouldn't get shut off. After I graduated and came home, she'd steal cash out of my room and justify it by telling me later. She's also a staunch Republican. She's homophobic, transphobic, anti-abortion, anti-vax, racist, and misogynistic. At Christmas, she announced to our family that being liberal is a mental disorder. She doesn't know that I've been voting Democrat since 2016. When I was younger, I tried to argue with her and I learned very quickly that it's impossible. She's the kind of person who refuses to acknowledge any evidence contrary to her beliefs. If you show her the science, then "Scientists are just making up the data to support the liberals." Try to tell her you disagree and she'll go on a ten-minute rant about how you're wrong and she's right and you won't get a word in edgewise. Over the past few years, I've only seen her at family gatherings (weddings, funerals, baby showers, etc). I rarely text her and I never call her because my mental health tanks whenever I spend any time with her. She's physically incapable of getting through any gathering without saying something horrible. I'm thinking about playing a game with myself where, anytime I have to see her, I'll start a timer running and then see how long it takes her to say something horrendously offensive. At my uncle's funeral, she told me that Hawaiian people hate white people and when I said "Can you blame them?" she essentially told me that attempted genocide is fine because every culture has committed atrocities. At my cousin's baby shower, while we were watching my cousin open presents, she went on and on about trans people and how letting trans kids have beta blockers is child abuse and how trans people regret transitioning and commit suicide (yeah, my mom's a real charmer). Meanwhile, when I was a teenager, she told me that if I was "that way" (meaning not straight), she'd "have to shoot me." So. Why am I even still talking to her? Why haven't I told her that if she ever wants to see me again, she needs to keep her mouth shut? Well, I'm a very conflict-avoidant person. My mom is a master at Catholic guilt, at making you feel like shit because you're bothered by her behavior. She's blissfully unaware of her own shortcomings. Because she's "accepting" of my sexuality now and my relationship with my wife, she's forgotten all the shitty homophobic things she said to me growing up. I brought up the fact that she once threatened to shoot me if I were gay and she had no memory of that even happening. But, first and foremost, I like the rest of my family. Most of them only tolerate my mom because "she's family." A couple years ago, my uncle actually threw her out of his house at Christmas because of something she said. I don't want to have to wait for her to die before I can see any of them again. She keeps talking about moving to another state, but she has no job and no money. She also is incapable of picking a state to move to, because every one is too humid, or too cold, or has too many "illegals." I'm tired and I just want her out of my life. I'm almost thirty years old. I shouldn't have to act like I'm fourteen and can't say anything wrong in case she punishes me for it.
You have my sympathies, Aspen. Though our reasons are different, I can commiserate with your plight in cutting out toxic family members. I don't think there's an easy way to do it; it's something that you'll either build up to doing, or eventually be pushed into doing out of sheer desperation to reclaim your peace of mind. In some cases, it's both. But whatever eventually leads you there, just keep reminding yourself of all the terrible things she's put you through. Those are your reasons, your evidence against her for anyone who might call your decision into question--and sadly, despite a lot of your family likely feeling as you do, you probably will come up against some resistance. Expect a fair bit of it to come from her, as well; I don't know your mother, but she sounds like she's checking off most of the narcissistic personality disorder boxes, and narcissists do not respect boundaries, nor do they accept zero contact quietly. If you need to, maybe prepare something of a letter: you don't even have to give it to anyone, but it can help you to put your thoughts in order--both for when you decide to go no contact with her, and for any family who might have questions. You might also talk to some of them prior to making the choice; if you're close with any of your family and/or trust them, you could lay out all the cards and maybe even get their input. Not in the interest of any of them trying to change your mind (make that expressly known), but to see if any of them can offer moral support while you're in the thick of it. The sad thing is, you might still lose some people. In my case, I've lost a couple and have very limited contact with others; and still others I've only told the reasons to recently, whom I'm working to rebuild relationships with, now that I know they are supportive/understanding. I can't say how your situation will play out, of course--only that, however daunting it becomes, it will be well worth it to reclaim the life you want to live. I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but I hope you find solace in knowing you're not alone.
I'm sorry this sounds exactly what I've been reading about cptsd and emotional neglect on reddit. People talk about going no contact with people. Have you read books about this type of thing? Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, has so much in it like what you wrote and like lots of people who think that way. It matches up so well with them not wanting to learn the truth, science = bad, progressive = bad, "others" = icky. Maybe a lot of people have to go no contact with her for her to start to wake up. I'm glad you can be with the rest of your family.
Thank you both. You're probably right about it both being something I build up to and something I do out of desperation. Writing a letter, even if I don't show it to anyone, is a good idea. I wish I could talk it over with my uncle, because he's the only one that knows for a fact that the reason why none of my family has met my wife is because I won't subject her to my mother. I haven't read any books about this, but I've heard of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and I really should read it.
To be honest, I see a few similarities with my mom. I only recently took the blinders off to realize she's been abusive towards me,though she wasn't that bad, so I'm not sure I'll be a lot of help. I'm so sorry you went through any of that, you don't deserve any of it. She may try to contact you through other family members, and you will have to stand your ground with them. Who knows, maybe they will follow suit. Don't forget to block her on social media either. You probably knew both of those though.
As an adult, you get to choose who you spend time around. I do believe there's a certain expectation of respect for one's parents that gives them more leeway than most, but even that has its limits. What you describe is someone who clearly has a mental health disorder, and is incapable of communicating without offending others. There's no reason you need to spend time around that sort of behavior. So the lesser of two evils is probably to simply let it be known that you won't be at family events where she is present, because it is too unpleasant and upsetting. If people choose to continue to invite her, and put up with that, that's their choice. You can also host events of your own, to which she is not invited, and invite the family members you would like to be there. But there's no reason to put up with this sort of behavior as an adult.
Sometimes it feels like bits of information eventually come together that finally help make sense of how we are. I lack emotional maturity in various ways, I see how I learned the habits, but it's up to me to improve from learning this info. My parents learned from theirs how to be and thought they turned out fine so why learn how to raise kids any different? I think being gay and all the lies told about us got me to question a lot of the things we were taught. Some people don't want to look at the truth, change their ways and do better. Somehow learning new stuff became a horrible thing to some people when it should be something wonderful.
Luckily, I've never added her on social media. She doesn't believe in it. Thinks it's evil for all the wrong reasons. You're right. Events will probably be few and far between, as I don't join them for holidays and all of us cousins are now married/have kids, so hopefully it won't come up very often. I wanted to go home for Thanksgiving this year but that's entirely gone now. I know she has depression, suspect she has some form of bipolar disorder and possibly a personality disorder. I can only ever armchair diagnosis her because she doesn't trust doctors enough to see them for the very severe physical health problems she has, let alone the mental ones. I was lucky in that I had free rein on the internet to make friends who were LGBT, Muslim, POC, everyone my mom hated and I could see that everything she said about them was a lie. Like you, realizing I was bi was an even bigger wake-up call and I started to question everything.
In any situation with someone one can decide one of the following: A.) The person I am with offers me emotional security. B.) The person I am with inflicts upon me emotional pain. One's pursuit of happiness depends on being aware whether one's happiness is immediate or one's happiness is being delayed.
