Hey, so I'm so sorry to keep cropping up here with my dating problems. Basically, long story short, I'm wondering if selfies, both mirror and mirror-less, are okay for online dating sites? I want to date, I mean I keep saying this, but it's so hideously terrifying! Like I've thought of uploading a mirror selfie and a goofy non-mirror selfie, but it's so scary. Especially as one of my jobs involves a lot of face to face customer service. I feel like there's so many judgmental and rude people out there, that won't even judge me based just on my looks but also on the types of photos I use, on my bio, on my conversation etc. All I want to find is one guy, or just a few friends maybe, but everything feels so difficult to actually do. I'm not on facebook or social media, I don't have irl friends. So it's just me. So obviously the quality of my profile will be a bit rubbish. It's just so hard to actually make myself take the necessary next steps.
While physical attraction is important, if someone is going to judge you that alone, then you wouldn't want them anyway. I know how hard it is to pull that trigger. It took me a long time to do it. But, if I didn't I wouldn't be seeing the person I am now.
Thank you. It's so scary but you're right. I don't even think my photos are bad, it's just like I'm almost physically paralysed, The more articles about dating apps I read online, the worse I feel about starting. Like maybe I should join in person groups, but I'd much prefer to date online and talk 1-1. But the main gay app, which gets censored on here, is really not for me. So many bad experiences there. I almost got pressured into something I didn't want to do tonight alone, and had to block someone, which I hate. I honestly just want something wholesome and to make friends at this point. That doesn't seem like a very common thing for some reason though
I find it hilarious thet they are called dating apps. More like hook-up apps. Nothing wrong with a hook-up, but if you are looking for someone to date good luck using them. I will be honest. When I first started looking my little head was in charge not my big one. My situation is different though, I usually am not looking for long term. I already have that. When I look it is for one thing... That being said, when I first used them I used the big one that shall not be named. I was looking more for someone to share with and learn from with the big advantage of SEX. I lucked out and found another dude that was a late in life Bi, with about as much experience as me. We connected on an equal playing field and became best friends with benefits of course, but I have yet to see anything like that commonly on those apps. What I do know is you have to have a thick skin and be picky if you are looking for a connection other than sex. A pic is helpful, but the details in the profile is what will get what you are looking for if it is more than a hook-up. If they hit on you without reading it, then most likely it is for a one time thing. I guess what I am saying is a selfy is fine. Most I have seen are selfies. I have a profile with the picture of a polar bear and I get hits all the time. I think it is because the pic gets them wondering what the hell, then they read the profile, see something they like, then hit. It weeds some out. They message me and if it is more than a drooling you look hot, I respond and send a pic. This also limits the circulation of your face on an app like that. Not sure if this helps. I do have a couple of chat friends through that "dating" app. I wish you luck, my friend. It is hard to find a "relationship" nowadays. Hopefully I didn't babble too much.
Tbh, you're absolutely right. I'm not really looking for hookups at all. I'll be honest, I was speaking to a guy recently and was honestly ready to go straight round to where he lived, but instead he tried to pressure me into sending more photos than I wanted to send so I called it. Nothing wrong with hookups at all. But I'd definitely like a relationship at this point, more than anything. Well, besides some career development and enough money to live =P I met someone like you, who I'm friends with. They had someone they'd been with for years, and were perfectly okay just having fun because all their needs emotionally were already met. But I needed something more. I developed strong feelings for them I still have now, and we only slept together twice. I don't think it helps that it's rare I find someone who I click with as much as them, so I guess I was naively hoping for something poly to develop. Obviously that wasn't the case, and now I need to keep looking, but I have no idea how. Tbh I am on the wrong app. But I don't know what else to use - ###### maybe? And because of my issues I've fought hard to overcome, I don't have a friendship group. I don't do many activities or have many photos available of me in different places. And when I do take selfies, I'm almost always unintentionally pouting or pulling a face, lol It's just so psychologically difficult, the idea of putting a photo out there so I can begin to describe myself. I know me and what I like. My hobbies. Even though I'm not active in them atm, I like acting, reading, walking, chatting about anything, meeting new people, learning new things. I like all kinds of subjects, history, philosophy, politics, geography, art etc. I love travel, and visiting and learning about new places. I love animals, and driving. And architecture. I love so many things, I just can't put a photo of my stupid face out there because of my anxiety. By a profile picture of a polar bear, is that just it, without you in it? And is it okay to ask what kind of app or website you use? I think I'd like one where you both have to match before talking tbh. I'm picky, sure, but I do need a thicker skin. Tbh I have a few friends, it's just none of them are physically close to me and I'm yet to find many people I really really click with. I just feel so useless and like nobody deserves me burdening them in their lives, which is stupid because I've advised people in similar situations on this very website but I can't seem to take my own advice. It's the fear, it keeps me utterly paralysed. I should join in person groups too, but there's the money and time and social and motivational aspects and it's just all a big nightmare right now really. Especially when I already have feelings for someone I can't have, and the social media and dating worlds seem so cruel.
Not just the picture! LOL I also put some work into the intro. Staying what I want. Also all the stat bs. My age, what I am interested in, what I am, etc. The app rymes with minder or finder... Yes, I am a bad boy... or horney anyway. I really don't use it that much any more. Mainly for chat and window shopping.
I see. I wonder if that would work in other places though? I feel like I'd need an actual picture of me if I want to date and stuff =P And yeah, okay thats the app im on too. But it's probably better for what you're looking for than what I'm looking for. Oh okay, sure yeah that's totally fine obviously. You do you. Thanks for the insight, it's good to know how other people use apps and stuff
That app can be as vicious as porn can be. Am not trying to be negative or anything. To each their own. But it’s not a very good way to build on anything of substance. It’s basically just hook ups. Friendship and connection, even dating is out of the question. I would suggest the other ones. If you are serious about dating.
You're right. I don't like it as an app. Was recently locked out as I forgot my password, and I haven't bothered going back since. Definitely thinking of ######, just need to get my photos right. Really nervous about actually putting myself out there, I just don't feel good enough the way I am I guess. I'm really trying hard though. I'm serious about dating, just so so anxious at the same time.
I've tried online dating through apps too, with mixed results. I would never, ever recommend that app if you're looking for a relationship. Nothing wrong with hookups, but it's not great even for that, unless you are extremely (sociopathically, some would say) thick-skinned. There is the other big one, that I've used. Very popular with straight people. But what I'm going to try once my head's in the right place is the apps that are behind a paywall. That instantly weeds out anyone not looking for something longer-term. I'm no expert, but this has been my experience: Write a bio. It shows commitment. I skip past any profile with a blank bio. Definitely use photos of yourself. If someone doesn't like the way you look, it's better you don't go out with them. Unless you post lots of photoshopped/filtered selfies on social media (and from what little I know of you, I don't think that is you at all), you look better in real life than in photos. I was worried about getting nasty comments about the way I look, but no-one can message me till you match with them, so I didn't. Selfies are fine! I would say the majority of pictures I saw were selfies. Try to upload a few though. Full-body is nice as well as face, but being partly nude kind of ruins the surprise for me personally, and definitely says "Hookups" (again, no judgment on folks who are into that). I was always pleasantly surprised how nice people were! Comapred to how my straight friends (men and women) get treated by each other on dating apps, gay men seem really pleasant! Have fun! It's rich advice coming from me, but don't go in there with high expectations. Again, rich coming from me, but don't agree to anything you're not comfy with! Sounds like you know this though, so hope I don't sound patronising. Ask early on what the other person is looking for. It feels awkward and I need to get better at this, but it clears up A LOT early on. Some people seem to be ashamed that they're looking for casual sex, and will try their best not to just come out and say it- frustrating! Whenever I think I hate the way I look, I try to remember how multiple guys swiped on my profile within hours of putting myself out there. Everyone I've dated has been (in my opinion) waaay out of my league, and yet they liked me even more once they saw me in person. And this is from someone whose own mother doesn't even think he is good-looking! Wishing you all the best of luck!
Yeah, I've given up on that app to be honest. Not for me. I'm at the phase I want something longer term now, I just struggle to feel worthy I guess. Thank you for your tips though!! I have no idea how to write a bio to be honest, I might need to research this a bit more idk. To be honest I usually hate photos of myself and there's a few things about my body I'm really insecure about right now. I definitely know it's important to show people what I look like though, I'm just really not confident in doing it. All your other points definitely make sense too though, thank you for taking the time to make them =) Aww that's a but mean of your mum to say, I'm sure you look totally fine! Thank you for the well wishes, your post has definitely helped =P
Yeah I know what you mean. It can be nerve racking at times But don’t be. Am sure you will do fine. The more you feel nervous the more this anxiousness will show and it will appear to others. And people being people they are attracted to bold and confident personalities. Some times even more than looks. You have to feel good in your own skin and people will notice that and will be attracted to you without you even doing the heavy lifting. Anyway that’s my advice. Hope it helps. Wish you the best of luck and keep us posted.
Thank you, that's helpful. I'm in a mood where I'm inclined to disagree with everything though. If they don't like my anxiety, then screw them frankly, anxiety is normal. I'm kind of done with people to be honest. Nobody I can text late at night, nobody's first choice. Ghostable, forgettable, and hey that's okay because that's how things go. I'm so tired of working so damn hard and living in a world where to appear attractive or some crap, I need to be confident or whatever. Honestly, overconfident guys are the actual worst. Maybe, someday, before I die, somebody will actually give a crap about me. I doubt it though.
I have noticed this too. Not that I have horrible self esteem, but I have never thought of myself as "attractive". It amazes me how many men I have run into that think just the opposite. Not gonna get a big head though. I still think I am a big ol' bear of a man, that is as far from model material as a human can be.
Yeah, although plenty of people here will have had the opposite experience, I would say that I'm always impressed how 'convetional beauty' standards are just not applicable to gay people. I have more hair on my back than on my head and am pretty sure I'd get zero dates were I straight, yet all the guys I've dated have not just tolerated it but liked it... and who am I to argue?!
Maybe wait a few days until you're out of the worst of the low mood- but if you're still wanting to look for a relationship set yourself a target to do it by/on a specific day. Even if it's splitting it up into steps like 1.) Take one selfie, 2.) download a different app 3.) write a first draft of a bio. I say that because I was terrible for procrastinating at this even though I'm the opposite of a procrastinator usually. There aren't many things I do well in this world but writing a bio is one of them- really, I have helped a few friends do theirs. My tips for this would be: Don't include anything you're not 100% comfy with yourself, even if it's someone else's 'top tip' Put a few things that can act as 'springboards' for guys to message you about. Things like your interests and dreams that people can easily ask questions and get the convo going Looking for a long-term relationship? Say so! All it needs is something like "Looking for something more long-term". My life on dating apps would be so much easier if every guy who was looking for casual fun instead would just admit to it! Humour is great! Slip one funny line into your bio, and don't worry about it going over someone's head- they didn't get your humour? Then they're not an ideal date and they can move along! If there are things you like/don't like as date ideas, mention them. For me this is mentioning that I'm not a big texter so I'd rather meet for a pint and chat in-person. I can't guarantee that everyone who swipes right on you will have read it, but it's worth putting it our there Everyone has several 'interesting facts' about them. I always think that this has to be something like "I backpacked around Cambodia with no food wearing a onesie to raise awareness of disabled chimpanzees in Ukraine" but honestly something more mundane makes you soooo much more approachable! For me it's that I won the Christmas Desk-Decorating Competition at my last job! All the best!
@Cinnamoon Listen am sorry if I offended you or anything. If I did that it was certainly not my intention. Because I was trying to be helpful. I know the world we live in. And it’s all bull. You know that. You don’t have to be anyone you don’t want to be and you don’t have to pretend either. What I was trying to say was kinda similar to other posters. In that it’s not really about having a fit body or good looks or being overconfident and arrogant. Bring out your interests. State what you want exactly. Be honest. Write something cool and unexpected and funny if you will. Bring out the best in you. Everyone has something unique about them. Their character and personality. And you have to bring those things out whatever they are. That’s it. or just ignore what I said. And do it your own way. All the best.
Thank you so much for this! Yeah I've just been so busy and overwhelmed I haven't had time for pretty much anything, hoping that will change soon. I'll definitely work on something though! Is it okay to ask how many photos you used by the way? I struggle with that too. I had a horrible night the other night, and got really low. I'm still not fully out of it, but I'm trying. I want to meet people and date, I do, I'm just worried I'm a bit too depressive and anxious for people. You didn't offend me, I've just been struggling a lot lately and sometimes saying what I feel unfiltered is the only way I can get things out. I'm sorry if I came across that way.
You're welcome. I think I was using 5 photos (the app allowed up to 9). But honestly any more than 2 is probably fine. 3 is fine I'd say. And if you only have 1, use 1. Some people out there have livelihoods based around telling others how to do online dating, using formulas and stuff, but they always forget that humans and messy and unpredictable, so you can't really tell till you try, and even then people act on a million different influences- and i think that's a good thing- otherwise I know I would have got too hung up trying to be perfect, and worrying that I wasn't conventionally attractive enough to bother dating. Hope that makes sense, it is very early! Also remember that you'll be dating other LGBTQ+ people- literally everyone you meet or see will have had poor mental health at some point (thanks, society), however well they hide it. That accounts for some of the problems in gay relationships, but hey at least we're generally more aware of it that straight people! Wishing you a speedy recovery from the low mood.
