A local city had recently did the right thing and passed a ban on conversion therapy. The ban was repealed due to protests at city hall claiming First Amendment were being violated. I am happy to say the ordinance is being rewritten for another go at passing. The local LGBT Center held a town hall meeting to adress concerns, I was asked to participate since I was familiar with the process. Although I didn't present, I did attend. Following is what I wrote, what I cared to remember I suppose. I didn't think after all this time it would affect me as it did. What I hoped would make people think just reopened old wounds for me. I know there are others on this forum that have been through the same. How have you healed or at least come to terms with your experiances? As far back as I can recall, my father’s favorite word when talking about one of his cousins, was queer. It usually had another word preceding it that I cannot repeat in a house of God. Growing up I can remember feeling different at a very early age first or second grade. I knew that I didn’t fit in with my male classmates and although I didn’t understand why, I knew it was something not to be spoken about. As time went on attraction included both girls and guys, I tried to dull the unwanted feelings thru work, prayer, alcohol, and finally, not finding lasting a solution suicidal thought. The man in the white collar’s first words where “Anything is possible through God.” The words, now almost three decades old have become fresh once again as I write this. Knowing that I was not like my peers, thinking that I was the only one, and certain that my parents would never accept me, my dad especially I sought to fix myself. That summer was spent with weekly prayer meetings and talk of how there was a failed bond between father and son that caused same sex attraction and how memorizing and repeating a psalm written on a scrap of paper drawn randomly out of a jar would help when an impure thought arose. Agape, or God’s unconditional love for man was discussed and how LGBT people were a sin against God; most importantly where “they” would end up. How Jesus defied Satan in the desert when tempted by every sin known, how we should be able to do the same. Surprise, no amount of prayer took any unwanted feelings away. In fact, when I quit the program, I felt worse about myself than when I started. Less than, failure and coward where just some of the words I told myself as the 20-gauge slug entered the chamber of my old Remington wing master shotgun. The sound of the action that night I can still hear. Truthfully, I’m still not sure why I am standing in front of you all at this moment. Sadly, conversion therapy, by whatever name, by whatever method still exists in our culture today. I wasn’t sent away by my parents, however their lack openness to others made me feel as if I was flawed, unwanted, and God’s mistake. I would never wish the manipulation I put myself through to be visited on anyone especially a minor. The horrors of trying to change an aspect of a person’s life so personal are devastating, not only in the moment but also over the long term. Out great country has laws against cruel and unusual punishment but that is exactly what conversion therapy equals. Some carry the physical scars for a short time but the emotional ones, those scars last for a lifetime. The ideas planted long ago have taken me a lifetime to extinguish and then only with the help of a couple of good counselors and years of therapy. I still sometimes struggle but thankfully I don’t hate myself as I once did. I never did find that Psalm, worded as it was, in the King James Bible. I want to finish with something I wrote last winter. Is the grass green today I can’t tell Been looking through the bars That cage my mind all my life Can’t be myself, want to be myself, too ashamed to be myself Is the sky blue today I can’t tell Been walking in a haze for all my years, demons in my mind Can’t do this anymore Not going to feel less than you Got to break free, got to break free, going to break free, going to live for me Little boy that was me Pay attention, take my hand Come with me, leave that sandbox, walk along Going to find the courage, a future for you and me Even if we have to walk alone Made mistakes, made mistakes Not too proud of, but who will not Don’t be too hard on yourself You are not alone, not the only one Don’t listen to the darkness of your mind Got to break free, got to break free, going to break free, going to live for me Empty that gun, stay alive and you will see What life can be You will meet someone She will always be there for you and I The storms of the past that sometimes haunt Can’t erase, just control He’s six feet down and now you’re a man Is time for you to go back to that box of sand The colors of your flag or people matter not Don’t worry I’ll always be there just not hand in hand Got to break free, got to break free, going to break free, going to live for me
Dean.....I don't think I can imagine how hard it was for you to write that much less allow it to be read...I think that's what you meant...that it was presented or read to the group. We've both been through our own version of hell and somehow managed to survive. The wounds are still there but we have found ways to function. You are my brother. .....David
It is truly horrible Christian’s treat lgbtq people they exclude people for the way they feel they are the reason why lgbtq youth are the 50 percent of the homeless population the worst part is how they use the Bible as a weapon they pick and choose what to use and they forget the most important park love thy neighbor Ps your poem was beautiful
Yes David, I went with the intention of reading it myself, but when the time came I couldn't, someone else presented it for me. My intention was to make people understand the harm that this kind of therapy can do. Maybe I suceeded because there was complete silence in the room of 70 or so people afterwards. Been FUBAR since composing it.......
Conversion therapy is a big fail. That's why all those groups that organize to demonize people and push it are getting smaller and smaller. Another thing to consider is that when people are practicing this "therapy," they make up their own game plan. It's not even tested if it could work, which it can't, and some of the things they've done and said to people have been reported to be horrible. I can see it going away almost entirely for under 18 people. I think that it might be available for adults here and there because they can look for certain services. It's best to avoid it. A small number will seek it out. But most of them will get burned and disillusioned and then run. It's too bad they even had to experience what they experienced.
a) First off it's not conversion therapy. It's conversion abuse. Get that. b) How have you healed? I have not. A primary question is, what is healed? I simply do not know since I was never allowed to explore and discover who I am. I have moved forward with understanding. Something really cool is happening with understanding. Feelings. Im am now acquiring feelings. (Understanding how feelings were switched off during conversion is basically psychological trauma with reactions of one or more of the following components, fight, flight, freeze, fawn.) c) Come to terms with your experience? Understanding and receiving feelings for the first time since I was ~14.
a) For sure, it's mental trama. b) Trama of any kind takes time and one is never quite the same after the event. What if understsnding and healing are different words for the same outcome? Don't ruminate on the past, cant's change it anyway. Look at all the new things we get to experiance, better late than never don't ya think? Check out something called Internal Family Systems Theropy. All feelings are equal they need not fight with one another. Seems to be working for me, finding some mearsure of balance, finally.
Here in Italy not only are conversion therapies legal, but we don't even have a law against homo-transphobia (although almost all other European states have it). TV only makes it seem normal or detracts from it (it must be said that femicide is also belittled, but details). Is it really a crime to show yourself for what you are?
I hope conversion therapy gets banned in my state one day, I know two many people who have been put into it by their families.
Keep in mind most of the conversion therapy bans apply only to minors. And that's frustrating, because there are a lot of young adults that get coerced by their families to go to these charlatans, where they are nearly always harmed by the experience. Most state legislatures don't have the fortitude to ban conversion therapy outright because the religious quacks that promote it argue that it's a religious freedom issue. And unfortunately, "religious freedom" is getting to be a fig leaf that right wing crazies are increasingly using to get away with a lot of bullshit, such as preventing gays from adopting, or even saying that doctors can deny care to gay people if it offends their religion, that has absolutely no business in a civilized society.
The only thing that "successful" conversion therapy can achieve is to force someone to start pretending they are asexual and aromantic. To force people into killing not only their physical attraction but also their love. I would actually gladly accept a therapy that would make me a bi. I have been in close relationships with a few women and I really enjoyed it. I never could find such enjoyment at a personal everyday level with a man. And I felt depressed when my relationships got more serious and started approaching physical closeness because my subconscious just could not accept that. It felt "wrong" as if trying to be intimately close to a sibling. I guess many of us recognize this inner conflict when you are screaming inside: "This person is great, I really like them, and I would want to make them happy and spend my life with them! So, please, please, body, start working, start feeling attraction!"... and it just does not want work at all, and you have to give up and carefully back away to avoid breaking this person's heart. I highly doubt there will ever be a therapy that can change this. No matter, which parts of our attraction are genetic and which are hormonal or neurological - it's just so hard-wired into our body and brain. Still, I hope, someday in the far future there will be a reliable, scientifically proven way to make everything possible. I think people need more choices and more control over their bodies. If we want to fall in love with someone, why can't we?
